I have been married for ten years and don't really know if I should keep trying?

Question

I have been w/ my husband for 14 years and have been married to him for 10 years now. He has some anger problems and they are really starting to affect the way I feel about him. I have tried to talk to him about going to counseling to help him find ways to control it but he refuses to go and says he is working on it himself. I feel like it is never going to change and that it is going to get worse I have 2 children and I don't want to feel like I am giving up on trying to keep or family together. I feel that if he loved me the way he says he does that he would be trying harder to fix what he knows is hurting our relationship.I know I should proably leave but don't know if that is the right thing to do.

There is no physical abuse. His anger is directed towards me. I have let him know everytime he speaks to me disrespectfully that I will not put up with it but he always gets more angry and tells me that he can yell in his house if he wants to. I know that I should leave for my children sake of not seeing his temper but also agree that marriage is hard work and should not just be thrown out the window. Thank You to those people who are really understanding my question and not just throwing out quick smart a-- remarks.

Answer 1

i think after 14 years of marriage, you've given him plenty opportunity to change, so if he has not change thus far, it is safe to assume that his behaviors will remain constant, if not worse, throughout your marriage.

i would not stay for the children because the children are learning that this is a healthy relaionship: you might be raising an abuser or someone that dates abusive men, depending on gender and/or sexual orientation of your children.

i say it is better to have one healthy parent than to have 2 unhealthy parents. and if you stay in this relaitonship, you will be an unhealthy parent. how can you considerate on your children when you are constantly worrying about him or worry about "setting him off" or something. he's already unhealthy, you dont have to be.

your husband has learn that he doesnt have to fix anything--he learned this by you remaining in this marraige. or he learned that he can act respectfully for a week, and then you'll forget and forgive him about his past behaviors,..... until he rude once again, at this point, you can act as if this is the first time or an isolated incident, but in truth he has been doing this for some time now, right.......do you see the pattern: he mean, you yell, then maybe, he's nice, and you forgive hiim, then once again he's mean, you yell....on and on and on. END THE CYCLE

if you chose to stay in this marriage, which i wouldnt, then i would live seperately, and during this time, he should and attend counseling if he hopes to reconcile. i would wait several months-1 to 3 years BEFORE living togther again. if he truly has changed than he will wait that amount of time, if not then he wil become angry that he hasnt gotten his way and lash out you, showing you he hasnt really changed at all.

just because you live seprately, doesnt mean you cant see each other; it is the start of you seperating yourself from him if he doesnt change, that way if he doesnt change, you will already be in the process of indepedent.

good luck

Answer 2

Men are very hard to change as they age. They get used to being a certain way, and unfortunately, some women are stuck being married to a man who they don't know anymore. With his lack of interest to change for the better for you and the kids, could he be depressed? Sometimes depression comes out as anger and frustration because we don't know how to handle it. Sit down and say, "What it is that you are going through, know that I am here for you. I think counseling is a good idea, but I will let you make that decision. If you continue to treat the kids and I poorly, then I will leave. My first priority is our children. I will not sacrifice them for your anger anymore. We need to work this out, or go our separate ways." If he can't sit and listen to what you have to say, then you have your answer. Marriage isn't something you just toss out the window, but remember that your kids should come first and if they are being seriously affected by his anger, then you need to consider leaving so that they can have a safe place to grow. Good luck and I wish you the best!

Answer 3

Anger issues is a bad thing if the person doesnt see them huh. All I can say is thats along time invested in a relationship and children is something to consider when making the decision to give up!! However, if there is abuse in this relationship then the children is already hurting. Keep talking to him over his anger issues and schedule some alone time for just the two of you and see if there is anything left to rekindle. Sometimes over time things like ANGER ISSUSES can destroy whats left of a relationship!! Remember the ole saying "you dont know what you got until its gone" it might come to that for you in the end, because happiness is the key ingredient for any healthy relationship!!!!

Answer 4

I was in a abusive relationship! I even had a child with the man!
If he is that way take the kids and leave! Don't feel lonely in this situation! You can always find someone that will treat your kids and yourself better! If he just has a anger problem tell him he needs to seek counseling or your leaving! Believe me theres no need to stay in that relationship! God bless you!

Answer 5

First off; if you have tried and there has been no good outcome who has really given up on your family! Apparently it has not been you since you have been sticking with him through thick and thin. IF you dont' feel divorce is right how about a legal seperation, Actions do speak louder then words and it he give a rats A-s-s leaving may be what promotes him to change his ways. You and your husband are what molds your childrens futures...if you teach them to be submissive that is not a trait you want them to develope.....it is hard but well worth it.

Answer 6

When did these anger issues start happening before you married him? Maybe you should go to counseling and get some advice and help on this. You should also get out more do you work do you have alot of friends get out and start doing things with some friends go back to school, get some hobbies once your self esteem picks up a little and you are getting out doing things you will see you don't need him or his issues or maybe he will start worrying and want to change himself. You can't change him he has to want to change. Life is to short and precious to waste it on someone who makes you scared and sad. Also think of the kids and the fact they shouldn't be seeing his fits.

Answer 7

i think if he's being phyiscally abusive with u and ur kids,,then u should leave,,no questions asked,,but,,if it's verbal or his bad moods,,then u should simply let him know ur not taking his disrespect anymore,,u just need to be stern with him,,ppl only treat u the way u let them,,it's like have u ever seen a rude person speak very nicely to certain ppl? if ur going to send him the message that he can just treat u any old way then he'll walk all over u,,u just need to put ur foot down and tell him straight out,,i'm ur wife and u r not going to talk to me that way,,or act that way with me,,

i'm married,,and i let my hubby know all the time,,when he's being disrespectful,,i don't hold anything in,,like my anger or resentment,,if i feel like he's raising his voice to me,i let him know immediately,,

Answer 8

If he is physically harming you or the kids, you need to leave IMMEDIATELY. If he is just yelling and screaming take your leave everytime he does and take the kids with you. That can't be a healthy environment for anyone.

Answer 9

maybe you should seek counseling for yourself. maybe that will help you to figure out what to do. You should never stay in a abusive relationship no matter how long you have been together. Good luck..

Answer 10

If you get a good answer let me no I am in almost exact place but Im the husband.