if u know from my previous question..i'm a mid-twenties newlywed and i thought it was weird my husband only wanted to have sex 1-2 times a week even though he knows im always hot for him. i checked our computer history and he's been visiting internet porn sites every single day...and i mean every single day. i confronted him...he said "f-u" and stormed out. he came back and we went to sleep in separate rooms after i told him how hurt i was and how would he like it if he knew i whacked off all day to the rich, young, hot succesful men i come across all day..but then turned him down for sex. anyways..this morning we tried talking more. the arguement got heated and his answer to me was that a guy needs to "relieve himself" every day cuz its biological but he doesnt really want to have sex every day. he claims the reason he doesnt like nude photos of me (taken by a professional photographer way before we even got together) is because its sleazy and he holds his wife to a higher standard.
2007-10-25 01:58:58 · 18 answers · asked by Heather 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
i love him with all my heart and i wouldnt care if he looked at porn once in a while but every day hurts when i am sooo willing. he says the reason he only wants to have sex 1-2 times a week is because he wants to make sure its good for me and not "bang me like a 10 cent hooker". ok so i understand his point of view and i'd like to move on...even though im insecure cuz i feel i'll never compare to the girls on the internet no matter how much i work out and take care of myself. please please help. what should i do next?
2007-10-25 02:01:22 · update #1
Try K9 Webfilter.
It is free and completely blocks any questionable content.
www.k9webprotection.com
He needs to realize that your relationship is more important than porn!
2007-10-28 15:04:30 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie, don't try to compete with those porno chicks because trust me, you are way hotter! What man would really want to be with a porno chick???eewww!!! However let me get to the point and moral of this story! I think that your husband got upset because you caught him and he probably thinks that your going to judge him. Let him know that your not judging him! (bc your not right!) Let him know that you are woman with many different elements to her. And it doesn't change the fact that your a good wholesome wife. Ever heard the term "Freak in the bed, but a lady in the streets" Let him know that if sometimes he needs to bang you like a 10 cent hooker(as you put it) your more than willing and able. And after that you will still be the wholesome wife who cooks for him, cleans for him, that will bear his kids for him etc. I think that your husband was taught that sex is a dirty thing if you do it a certain way. But help him to see that ANYTHING between and man and his wife is sacred. Its only when he goes outside that union that it becomes defiled. And heck if your open to it try and watch the porno with him once in awhile. I mean my gosh its with your husband. not some random guy that is gonna think your a slut or anything. He knows all of you by now and vice versa. So the moral is forget everyone elses expectation of what it means to be a wholesome wife and make your own. I hope that you guys don't end because of this. Just work it out. And if your having a hard time communicating about it( this could be a really deep rooted issue) seek therapy. Most insurances will pay for at least one or two visits. Now the part about a man needing to relieve himself daily and its a medical thing. well honey, I know he was embarrassed about you finding the porn but please! that sounded like something a fifth grader who got caught beating off would say! LOL!! thats ok though you guys can laugh about it together one day.
2007-10-25 09:22:27 · answer #2 · answered by Mrs.G-unit 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough situation and I'm sure it is really hard for you. A marriage is a lot more than Sex. As a guy and speaking for most guys sex is a big part of it. But for a woman it isn't as big a part. As we go through life our need for sex changes. I would recommend spending a day or 2 to cool off on the issue. In the heat of battle things are said and done that we don't always mean. Avoid the subject for a couple of days and focus on doing something else together that you both like to do. Like go to a coffee shop, a walk in the park, etc. Then re-approach the issue gently see if you can work out something that both of you will be comfortable with.
Good luck.
2007-10-25 09:21:41 · answer #3 · answered by Seaesta 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ahhh! this is a tough one,
im not sure if i can help on this one because my marriage has failed.
but i can say that you guys got married for the right reasons.
love and not just lust.
Its very noble that he holds you at such a high standard but your his wife!! you both deserve a healthy sex life with each other.
what to do next?
try watching a bit of porn together a few nights in a row and i bet you wont be able to keep your hands off each other.
2007-10-25 20:28:19 · answer #4 · answered by field 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Heather
I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't get him really. My wife and I look at stuff now and then but only together. We have sex on average 3-4 times a day.
You said something of pics you had that he didn't want to look at. Is that because someone else was taking the pics and saw you nude? Maybe try:
1. Let him take nude and erotic pics of you himself.
2. Make a deal with him that you don't mind if he watches porn as long as you watch it only with each other. And switch it up where you get to see men as well as him seeing women. My wife never is bothered by other women in porn because she knows she is better then they could ever be and she is.
3. Go out with each other and let guys flirt with you as he sees you with you just mildly flirting back and enticing them and hopefully him as well (maybe dance sensually with them). Drives me crazy when my wife does that. Except they are usually really wanting her but she is preaching to them but it's still a turn on.
Just some ideas.
God bless!
2007-10-25 09:14:21 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Sadly we men are strange creatures. Often the visual stimulation of porn is different than sex and so is a variety. If he is truly faithful to you and loves you then this is not as bad as you think. There will also likely come a day if you have children that he will want sex more than you. Nature is cruel like that where sex drives are rarely on the same page. I would like to tell you he will stop the porn and whacking but it sounds like a part of his life. If all else is good then do not compare his desire for this with his desires for you, they are different and not to be measured against each other. I do agree with him also about pictures of you vs. porn, men see porn as distant and do not want to see our wives in that way.
2007-10-25 09:14:32 · answer #6 · answered by joe 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He doesnt understand this porn is making him view women and you differently the opposite sex becomes impersonal and only objects of desire and he really needs to know that his relief is not a biological need but one of selfishness and contempt for others.
He needs also to learn that marriage is a totally mutual thing and that if he doesnt work with you then you have no marriage.
I wish you great luck but he needs come counseling that he understands and you also need to have some counseling so that you dont let him establish a lowered value for his wife.
2007-10-25 09:07:40 · answer #7 · answered by msqtech 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
listen it isnt you i agree with umm whater name lol i understand how you feel and since i am a guy i think lol wife says i am anyway try this if porn isnt your thing which it isnt for most ladies then you should tell him that you want to be included in this ritual that you want to watch him and help him relieve himself first and foremost he is your hubby and you need to take charge of his thingy lol and the best way to do that is by grabbing it with both hands and holding on lol no seriously you are both young and newlywed and since he hasnt had much practice he is unsure of himself and is more comfortable spanking it than giving it to you and you need to change that and if you want it to work you have to keep most of the blood from reaching his brain let the little guy make the decisions and after a while when he needs to relieve himself instead of the cpu he will come looking for you you are right but you are going about it the wrong way you are talking to the wrong head and damn i wish i had to relieve myself once a day the wife would probably put me on meds for that hehehe viagra i think but work it out you guys are new and it takes time to change something he has been doing for years
but it isnt wrong and as for me i would rather have my wife anyday than any woman i have seen naked on the net because women arent objects they are people and need affection
2007-10-25 09:12:44 · answer #8 · answered by the_orc_1 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm not a man, but I'm going to give you advice. Consider an annulment and get out!! I know that you love your husband, but he is UNABLE to love you in the way that you need and deserve. He has an addiction and doesn't want to acknowlege it. As a psychologist, I can assure you that sexual addictions are the most difficult to treat and the most destructive to a marriage. Aside from his porn, just consider the disrespectful way in which he speaks to you!!! When you asked him a simple question, he responded to you with name calling, which means not only does he NOT want to change, but he doesn't even want to "consider" your feelings. Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life?
Regardless of the crud you may read on this website about how "normal" porn is, the reality is, that statistically, 90% of individuals addicted to porn engage in extramarital affairs. Self centeredness is key here. At this point, it's all about HIM and what HE wants, when he wants it. Your marriage is in serious trouble and it's doubtful (given what you've described) that it will be free of grief and infidelities.
2007-10-25 09:20:50 · answer #9 · answered by Sondra 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Alright I am not a man but I am pretty sure I can help you here.
Men like to "relieve themselves" every day, yes. They like to be able to do it in a totally selfish way - just for them, without having to care about a partner. Porn on the computer fits this.
He doesn't wanna just ram you and be done leaving you wanting more. He lacks confidence in his abilities with you.
Getting insecure about the babes on the porn sites is pointless - almost none of us women compare to them and it doesn't matter. It's just eye candy. He does not compare you to them, most likely.
He got mad at you when you confronted him because he was embarrased and felt bad about himself.
You need to help him build his confidence. My husband still has trouble giving me quickies (althought this morning was an exception) because he doesn't want to leave me high and dry.
Do you have a tv and dvd player in your bedroom? How about you get a couple of porn dvds and watch them together? Any time my hubby and I do we aren't even 10 min into it and we are doing the nasty - EVERY time.
Just like you, he is young and insecure. Don't attack him over it. Work with it. It will do wonders for your marriage.
2007-10-25 09:03:13 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
the porn watching every day is not a problem. don't fight over it. the wacking off daily is not a problem. the problem is that you also have the same biological needs as him. tell him that he can do what he wants but to make sure that your needs are also met. tell him that he can go to the sites without trying to hide it. explain that all you want is your bit too. if he satisfies you, then the rest of the time he is free to do whatever turns him on. after all, it's a two way street, isn't it?
2007-10-25 09:16:08 · answer #11 · answered by CMK 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋