I need advice. My marriage is in SERIOUS trouble?

Question

I'll make this as brief as possible. Here are the facts:
We've been married a few years

3 children

My Husband is an alchoholic who is supposed to have quit drinking but numerous occasions he has drank and lied to me about it. Even swearing on my and my childrens lives once that he hadnt been drinking and then days later admitting that he actually had.

He has been physically abusive with me once about a year ago but not ever again since.( i was pregnant at the time)

He is super strict and harsh on the kids, especially the oldest, who's 5. Once he spanked him so hard that his butt was black and blue and welted.

He has lied and been caught on several occasions about things other than drinking (drugs, where he really was, etc..)

I know this sounds simple enough "he is no good leave him. But I do love him..I DONT KNOW WHY and the kids do too.
Dont know what to do. Any advise?? Thanks

He wont go to counseling or rehab, we have sperated before and it hasnt worked. Hes saying that if i cant trust him that he's going to leave me.

Answer 1

GIVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM.. TELL HIM IT IS HIS FAMILY OR THE BOOZE. . I KNOW THAT IT WOULD BE HARD CUZ YOU LOVE HIM. OR MAYBE TELL HIM HE NEEDS HELP.. AND HE HAS TO GO OR YOU ARE LEAVING

Answer 2

I live with a recovering alcoholic, and I've been through the same things you have. He's been sober for a year and a half, although it's been a struggle the entire time. Men like this have an addictive personality, so it's really important that he seek treatment. If not, even if he does stop drinking, his addiction will just change to something else like "adult videos", drugs, etc...
Unfortunately, you can't do anything to change him. HE has to want to change. The only thing you can do is decide if you're willing to live with his behavior. If not, tell him so and ask him to leave. It's going to take losing everything for him to finally realize what he's doing isn't worth the risk.
Threats mean nothing, you have to pack his stuff up, put it on the front porch and change the locks. He'll either get his act together or he won't. Either way, your children are not around a drunken, abusive man anymore.
BTW - your husband ABUSED your son. If I were you, I'd be in jail right now because I would have killed him in his sleep. TRUST AND BELIEVE.
If you're not willing to stand up for yourself, stand up for your children. If not, he's going to become JUST like his daddy. Mine did. Don't force that kind of life on your children, their future wives and children deserve better.

Answer 3

Not sure but there may be more to her feeling that way than you tell us, My first thought was that you're trying to "repair" 14 years in a matter of weeks. That's not going to happen. I understand you guys don't "see" things the way us women do. I'll try and explain it. We take things in more emotionally than men. We don't just see a man doing something. We see why he's doing something. In other words, is he doing this to make me shut up or because he truly wants to? The meaning of his actions speaks volumes to most women. (even though most say that's not true, it is) So what you should do now to me is simple. But don't expect it to happen overnight. It'll take time. Do other things besides what she's complained about. A hug for no reason. Take her somewhere like dinner or a movie without a reason. I know with me, it would mean so much. And of course a couple of "Hey. I really love you and the life you've given me" would be indescribable. Again, for no reason and when she'd never expect it. But don't just do it until you think everything's OK. Don't stop. Ever. You know what they say about "preventive maintenance." We just need reassurance that the man we love really loves us. And since you guys aren't great communicators at times, you assume we should know. I hope I helped.

Answer 4

You go to counseling. You can see a marriage counselor even if your husband isn't willing to go. After a few meetings he'll start asking what you talk about etc. Eventually he'll be curious enough to go with you. Maybe he'll go once and still decide it's not for him or maybe he'll surprise you and make positive changes. Either way, you should go. Talk to an unbiased professional and figure out why you feel the need to stay in an unhealthy relationship. It can only change your life for the better (assuming you see a good counselor). IT will help you learn more about yourself and see your life through different eyes.

Answer 5

This IS simple--leave.

You said: “Once he spanked him so hard that his butt was black and blue and welted.” That’s abuse. You can lose your children over that, and you should lose them if you sit back and allow this to happen, because that makes you just as guilty as him. Even if you weren’t present when it happened, you’re still guilty, because you allowed it to happen without consequences.

The man is a tyrant, who is an alcoholic and refuses to get help. I grew up with a man like that, and apparently you have no clue what kind of emotional damage you are doing to your children (which they will be dealing with their entire lifetime) by forcing them to live in this type of environment, because if you did, you’d remove them from it. And I can promise you that eventually they will lose every ounce of respect that they have for you because of this.

Leave. Stop make excuses (I’ve heard every excuse there is for staying, and none of them are legitimate) and walk out the door.

Answer 6

Which part of him to do LOVE? The part that is causing permanent emotional damage to your kids? The part that is physically violent? The part that lies? The part that drinks?
The part that only cares about himself? The part that doesn't give a rip for you? Your marriage isn't in serious trouble, YOU are!!! You are endangering your own children's lives as well as your own. Has it ever occurred to you that you need some serious therapy? It's not normal, to watch your children get the crap beat of out them for no reason, and then go around and tell people how much you LOVE the man who inflicted that pain!!!!!!!!!!!!! It might be in your children's best interest if they had a better mother who at least had a desire to protect them. My advice to you is for you is to try to get one of your family members take care of your children!

Answer 7

look, I am not saying that this will work but I think it's worth a shot.
you have a conversation with your husband and you tell him this: "I don't have the energy or the time to be a mother to three children plus one grown man, so here is the deal... I am cutting you loose. I will never again question you or criticise you about how you spend your leisure time but in return I want you to agree to give up your right to discipline the kids. I am their mother and I am going to raise our children the best way I can. If you have any problem with the kids or with your own life you can speak to me privately about it. I want you to be caring and happy towards our children but I want you to leave the guidance and control of them to me."
The idea here is to reduce the friction between you and your husband. After all, the best role model that he can be is to let the children see how he feels about you.

Answer 8

I know its hard to hear but you two need a brak from eachother for him to sort his head out (i.e AA) this is not fair that you are carrying the strain of the marriage but he needs to seriously sort his head out. I'm not saying leave him but perhaps you could go and stay with family/friend with the kids and give him a chance to see that you don't want to live in fear. Also be careful-I had an abusive ex partner,its only a matter of time before he lashes out again.
Good luck.

Answer 9

It sounds like my parents when I was growing up except that my dad never hit my mom or us kids.

The one regret that my mom has is that she never forced my did into counseling before he died. He quit drinking for about 2 years one time and was totally different than when he was drinking. But, he went back to drinking so, my parents barely spoke to each other for the few years before his death.

I would do whatever you can to get him help and into counseling. You may love him but the safety of your kids comes before that....especially if he is driving them around in a car. If he refuses to go then you then you may actually have to leave him for the safety of your children and yourself.

I hope this helps.

Answer 10

I'm sorry to say but you have to leave him! Maybe if you leave, he will see you are serious. You need to leave because you need to think about your kids. He beat your 5 year old till he was black and blue and welted!? thats NOT right. NO 5 year old deserves that and if you stay with him it will become worse for your children!!!!

He does not sound like a trust worthy husband and you have no right to trust him.

Answer 11

Theres one word that comes to mind C O D E PE N D C Y
http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/codependency.htm
Why spend your precious time walking around on egg shells.
That's emotional abuse. You deserve a peaceful habitation
for you and the kids. If you leave, you can still love him in safety. In fact, you should leave, because as a mother it's your role to show your kids whats right and whats not, and living in this terrible state is not right. Show a child the right way in his youth and he will walk in it. If you stay, then you are role modelling that this behaviour is acceptable, when it's clearly not. You owe it to all the generations after you. How would you like to feel guilty for generation after generation of dysfunctional families?
http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency