my bf and i have been together for almost 3 years now. we've had our issues (i have pmdd-see a counselor and take meds for it. he has issues being that he's been a bachelor for almost 6 years before meeting me). i'm 28 w/3 little girls i care for part-time and he's 29 never married, no kids.
we saw my counselor today to see if we can work through some of our issues. the meeting was overall good but some of his anwers scared me a bit...
when she asked where he saw this relationship going-he said living together and married eventually was the goal (that was his exact answer) but it couldnt be rushed. he wasn't ready he stated. he said he felt that i was pushing him to go faster than he was ready for.
then he stated that my kids are a worry b/c he's not sure what life w/them will be like. he loves my kids and sees them about once a week now.
we set up an agreement that if we don't fight for 3 months, then we would do more things together as a family..
more below
2007-10-24 22:41:38 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
he came up with the idea of seeing the kids a couple of times a week if we don't fight anymore.
then the counselor asked him what was the next step and he suggested maybe the kids and i could start spending the night at his house and then eventually move in with him. but he then made the statement that just b/c the kids spend the night alot for 3 months and we're getting along good that doesn't mean i'm going to move in right away-this scared me a bit. it felt like he was afraid of something.
the counselor told us to give it 2 more years of solid work and if we weren't engaged to leave.
on the way home, my bf stated it might be another year before we are even living together b/c we have to get used to being together as a family and focusing on not fighting anymore.
i'm scared that's he's afraid to commit!! were his answers signs that i should leave?!!
he went to counseling wilingly...
2007-10-24 22:44:51 · update #1
Just because he is cautious about marriage does not mean he is against it, he is entitled to take that view and it does not mean he is going to leave you.
2007-10-25 00:19:58 · answer #1 · answered by Very happily married. 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey there, first lovey a councillor should never tell you how long you should give it and then wat to do, so see a different councellor - trust me
Secondly, he has no kids - you have all this wisdom, knowledge and attributes of a family and with 3 little ones thats what im guessing your looking 4 a family man,
He should have known front the beginning your babies would come 1st and if that is not the case what is there to love about this guy???
He amy avantually fall into place, but your world is on hold and so are your babies untill he is ready....Not worth the time
Arguying (which im sure your aware of) is not the way in from of the kids, if he cant committ to you and your babies then he is not 4 you or your babies....LEAVE him and find a man that wants you and your package...
2007-10-24 22:55:38 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have a ready made family and that is holding him back and i don't think he want any part of a ready made family. That is a lot to ask of any man to take on another mans kids. You better forget about this one and find someone that likes kids he may tell you he likes your kids but he doesn't. My god your not even living together and your going to a counselor. You need to open your eyes and see this man for what he is and that is a man who doesn't want to commit to you so stop wasting your time on him after all your not getting any younger. Who ever you are with will want you to have a baby by him.
2007-10-24 23:07:55 · answer #3 · answered by Teenie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, red flags everywhere..
U are so involved u can not see them.. or u don't want tooo?
He has never married for a reason..?
.be it selfish, scared to commit, or now it could be fear of growing old w/o a family..?
this needs a lot of work
.. and I have learned that if it doesn't work smooth in the beginning it is not going to get any better.. ..
Kids are a big subject.. a responsibility.... it could be more than he he is willing to take on.. and he is just playing u..
cuz he doesn't want to loose u ....!!!!!!!
but he doesn't want to make the commitment either.. he can't have it both ways.. unless u are willing to just have a friend with benefits.. that is up to you.. ???
but u need and deserve more.. and so do Ur kids.. they need a dad.. not a father figure.. ??
2007-10-24 22:57:35 · answer #4 · answered by ♥ Blondie ♥ 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he has the best of worlds while you don't. You have to realize that children learn what they live. If what they are seeing and hearing is you two arguing all the time this is what they are going to grow up thinking is normal. It sounds to me like maybe you ought to re-think your priorities. Your children should come first in any relationship, not the man you're with. Granted, he gets kudos for realizing you come as a package deal and for wanting to spend time with your kids, but why? Have you asked yourself why he wants to spend time with them when you are not yet a family? Could there be something going on there in the background that you don't know about? On the other hand, if all you guys do is fight when you're together maybe your time would be better spent trying to find someone you can live peacefully with. Trust me, when you start out arguing it will only get worse with time. It NEVER gets better. Get out now and find someone who you can live peacefully and happily with before something happens and you get hurt. Be it emotionally or physically it will happen someday.
2007-10-24 23:29:55 · answer #5 · answered by Mama Jo 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes. leave.
you are supposed to argue in a relationship,there is no such thing as "Perfection",
it sounds like that is what he is looking for........
YOU cant put conditions on love, or on a relationship, u either love each other unconditionally or u dont, if he is saying, "if this happens then we will ........"
then u should end it, if he loved u he would wnat to be with YOU ALL THE TIME NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!!!
sorry i only say this because, when i met my partner, we tried to kid ourselves it was nothing serious, we spoke on the ph everyday, then saw each other as often as poss, then suddenly we were at eacher others houses all the time, we married had a baby, and even tho we have a lot of problems, we started to see a counsellor too, we still love each other so so much, we miss each other when apart ect ect a lot of our problems/causes of stress just make out life stressful and tireing, but we still wnat to be with each other all the time and just want to work through them together.
nobody is perfect. no relationship is perfect.
if he is looking for that, it sounds like he is....... then move on
im sure u will find someone who will love you with his whole heart for hi whole life and u will live happily ever after.
if not then at least you wont have wasted ur time WAITING for NOTHING to happen.you will have opened your life to the possibilty.
i wish u all the good luck in the world!!!
2007-10-24 22:49:07 · answer #6 · answered by ozzi 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
i really admire him for his honesty. its a huge decision to take on a ready-made family and he wants to take it slow. remember that tho many people think they and their kids are a package (take us or get nothing) thats rather unfair. the guy fell in love with u the adult woman, not u the mummy to three kids. give him time to learn how to be a father and go at his pace too. nothing scares a guy off like a woman in too much of a hurry.
i wd concentrate on being the best mum i can be and a lover to a great guy. taking the pressure off him to move the relationship faster will definitely mean both of u can relax more and u will find ur 'fights' reduce drastically.
2007-10-24 23:32:43 · answer #7 · answered by kiki68 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
maybe he's afraid that it may not work out, every single second changes,things that is running smooth now may not run smoothly in an hour, maybe he's in between of loving you and not wanting to loose you but afraid of the responsibilities that he will have to your kids when he marries you.
2007-10-24 22:54:12 · answer #8 · answered by judith k 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you should respect him for not wanting to jump into something too soon. you have a different kind of situation and it sounds like he realizes that your kids are a part of the equation and that he must get along with them too. if you really care about him, respect his decision, or get out.
2007-10-24 22:47:40 · answer #9 · answered by crimsonsky_bleedingheart 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you and he want very different things. Maybe it just isn't meant to be.
Go find a man who doesn't think your kids are a "worry". I think you and the kids would be happier.
2007-10-25 01:07:47 · answer #10 · answered by Elt 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋