How do I get over my husband having an affair for two years?

Question

I just found out on Sunday that my husband of 6 yrs has been having an affair for the past 2 yrs. I never noticed a difference in him. I didnt want to be intimate,too tired and bored. He said he went to her because "she made him feel good and she didn't argue" What bothers me is, if I hadnt found out,he wouldve continued with the affair.This was ok the first couple of days but now I think "Wait a minute,he stopped the affair because he got busted,not because he wanted to end it" I can't get over that fact.The affair itself hurts tremendously but the ending it because he got caught gets to me even worse.I told him that I need something more from him,besides ending the affair, to help me heal. We signed up for counseling.I asked him to go back with her. I wanted him to be happy.I feel like I forced him to be with me.Even though I love him very much,Id rather he be happy and not feel like I ruined his happiness.Of course he says he wants to be with me and loves me so why the affair then?

harleigh: I'm going to pretend I didn't read that..lol. I feel if you're married, then you don't cheat, period. We have 4 children, we work full time and have very busy, active lives I don't want to deal with also having horrible sex..lol Not an excuse my friend. If he can't handle the lack of sex, he could simply divorce me, why cheat? And women are supposed to be the weaker sex

Answer 1

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I think that a marriage can be restored after an affair but it takes the total trust and honesty and commitment of both partners. He will have to be open with you about the affair, the reasons he did, and he will have to show remorse and understand that you can't just trust him right away again. There is a book by Dr. Shirley Glass about restoring your marriage after infidelity. I would recommend you read that and also go to couple's and individual counseling so that you can find out whether you really want to try to stay in this marriage or get out.

There is a big risk if you stay, he could to it again or honestly, I'm sorry, but he could still be doing it. Even if he stopped, you will have to live with the worry and fear that he is still doing it, because you didn't know for 2 years that you shouldn't be trusting him and now you have a reason to know that you shouldn't. So perhaps the best thing to do is get divorced and find someone you can trust.

Either way, it's a hard decision and you have to follow your heart. What is your heart saying? And either way I would recommend you go to counseling so that you do not let his unhealthy decisions negatively affect you too much. Good luck dear, I am so sorry to hear about your situation.
~Nadia

((And to Rex B -- a married man who has an urge to get rid of his "daily sperm buildup" should hump a pillow like the dog that he is (and like you sound like you are) before he cheats on his wife. He could tell his wife he needed more sex, they could go to counseling, etc... there are so many better things to do than to have an affair and be dishonest to his wife! Or, like the poster stated, he would just divorce her if he's not being fulfilled sexually and it's too much to bear (and he wasn't a complete coward with no real balls), that's NO excuse for cheating).

Answer 2

Don't beat yourself up about why your husband ended this affair. Nonsense about you giving up on him because you want him to be happy. It is too early to say this. If you want to continue this marriage, you just have to forgive and move on. The forget part will never go away, but it will get better as time goes by. Counselling will help to find out where the sparks between the 2 of you lack and figure out how to re-ignite them again. If you don't do these 2 important things, chances are your husband will find some other women or continue with this affair when the situation relaxes. If you put an effort and it still doesn't work, then it's time for you to ask the question of leaving him. Good Luck.

Answer 3

I know how hard this must be. But if you had to end it ... he will probably continue on the side. Trust is something that can take a lifetime to build and seconds to destroy. I too was cheated on ... not for that long of course. I left, but still loved him ... and ended up back. But the trust was gone. Everytime he left the house I was a nervous wreck. The "what if's" got the best of me, and I left for good.
My guess is if he was with this woman for two years ... it's NOT just physical. It's emotional as well. Feelings between them are involved now.
Leave for your own sanity ... and find a man who won't stray ... there are good ones out there ... I found mine! Good luck ... I will keep you in my prayers!

Answer 4

You just found out how men really are and i bet you were one of the wives that would have answered (my husband would never cheat on me). My husband cheated on me for 2 1/2 years so i know how much you are hurting. It's funny how men can throw the word love around the way they do, to us women it's more then just a word. Sometimes i think men don't have a heart. Only two things will help you and that is talking about it with him and time that's about it.

Answer 5

You never will get over it, you might move an it put it away but you always think of it!! It is bad the only reason he stopped the affair is because he got busted but if you can work it out then try!!! I myself would go deeper than the fussing cause all men an women fuss in a marriage!! That is a marriage! I would hate the thought that my husband put his hands an other things on another woman but if you can get pass that than you are woman!!! Try if you can but your man is a dirt bag and more than likely he just said he stopped seeing her check out his s**t an you just might see once a liar always a liar!!!! Protect youself!! Good luck

Answer 6

Yesterday I answered a question here on loss and grief, & you are currently undergoing stages of grief. Google that, plenty of stuff on the net on how to overcome it and deal with it effectively.

Second thing I suggest is that you be SELFISH & think about yourself...Don't think about him being happy or you being burden on him, because he KNOWS how to make himself happy without worrying about you...He fails being a good husband, & you being not an intimate with him is not an excuse...You could be undergoing a lot of pressure & he should have been more supportive than simply having an affair with someone else!

You are sad dear, & this is part of a normal reaction to such situation...Under such condition, you just can't make judegment on what you're supposed to do, whether signing for counceling or be with him...Pull yourself back and take some time alone to think about it...Maybe see a therapist to help you heal...

Again, what matters is you...not him & his happiness.

Answer 7

You care so much about this man's happiness that u let him have a affair with u knowing it but what about ur happiness,he maybe happy but u how can u even be with him while he is with someone esle,you should talk to your husband and tell him that you let him go back to her because u care about him and ask him what about ur happiness ,talk to ur husband and after you and him finshed talking u decide if u want to live with him or not,i know u love him but does he really love u enough to end the affair for himself?if he really wants to be with her then u know that he dosnt love u much has her, there are better men out there who dont hve affair after they get married for 6 yrs..........
GOOD LUCK

Answer 8

Sorry darling, that's a dealbreaker. You have every right to divorce him. He will be free and you won't feel like you are forcing him to be with you. He probably does love you still, but if he stopped only because he got caught, that's definitely a red flag. Especially after going on two years.

Answer 9

if you still love your husband and im sure you really do, help him get over with the girl. you're the wife and its your role to hold your man, enough of your pride. well, if he think the other woman is better than you and she let him feel good, then be the better wife from now on. prove to him that you are much far off better than any woman. he is your husband and he is yours..he still loves you in spite of so forgive his wrong doings and start all over again. pray more. no matter what happens to philandering husband they will still stay married and go back to wife, i tell you...don't worry and be happy. just pray for emotional healing and restoration of the marriage. God bless you!

Answer 10

very sorry to hear your husband had an affair.

however, you must know that men need relief from the call of nature. if you think back, almost every night he has an alarm that really does not go off until satisfied.

you failed to provide intimacy to him and he found it elsewhere.

did you talk with the girlfriends, mom, sister, aunt? did they tell you he needed relief from you?

he could have played with himself. take it as needed. what he did was to come up with another solution.

most men, will hit on almost anything that is given. you gave him the opportunity hit regularly in the same place.

you need to evaluate your position regarding intimacy. can you, are you equipped to fulfill his needs?

lots to think about. lots to resolve.

hope things work out well for all.