My husband is going to kill me for asking this, but can mature married people give me some good advice...?

Question

This is a very sensitive issue and I will give details that is important. I recently had a baby. She is wonderful, but there is definately distance now between me and my husband. We have always been best friends and now we are arguing a lot. We never went to bed angry, now we are going to bed angry, waking up angry. As a wife and a woman, I feel very insecure. I have lost alot of my baby weight, but my figure is not the same. I use to have a rock hard belly now it feels like a sponge, although flat. There is some other things that I really cannot get into, but for the first time in the nearly 17 years we have been together, I do not feel really confident about us.

This is a very tough and painful issue. I know that I might get some immature answers, but I ask someone that is married to please help me with this. I usually do not ask these types of questions, but I am desperate.

For the lady that asked about the "other" side of marriage. Our daughter is not six weeks old yet, so it is not one. As far as the weight, after I had our son, I was back in my jeans in two weeks. Our daughter was born October 6th and I still got eleven more pounds to loose!

This is not our first. We have a 16 yo son together too. It is just so different with this one.

Answer 1

2fine you both are going through a real adjustment period right now. Change often is not easy. Hang in there, you will be alright. I stayed away from my wife's for awhile after birth because of the six week thing, if you know what I mean. It's better not to get horney at all than to get horney and can't do anything about it. That may not be the problem, but then again it could be. Give it time, you'll be alright. You guys have probably worked through alot in those 17 years, you will work through this. Have a good evening.

Answer 2

Hi. Well I'm not married yet but my fiance & I have been together 2 years, living together in our own place for 1 year & we have a 4 1/2 month old baby boy. So I can relate to some of what you are feeling. When you first have a baby or even while still pregnant, tempers run high, you're tired, stressed, worried. It just feels alot easier to yell & argue with each other than to stay calm & work it out. And feeling like you'll never look sexy again doesnt help either (trust me, I still have some baby belly).

I've figured out that the only way to help your relationship & feel better is to sit down & talk to your husband, maybe while the baby is asleep, explain how you feel & discuss how to change the things that are wrong.

As for feeling insecure just think, you just performed a miracle by giving birth! Try to find a few minutes a day to exercise or get your nails done, take a walk outside with the baby (weather permitting) little things like that have always made me feel better.

Good luck with everthing & congratulations about the baby! Also congratulations on 17 years thats a big accomplishment these days lol!

Answer 3

Having a baby changes the dynamics of a marriage for sure, and what you are going through is fairly normal and a transition period. I remember us having trouble too, trying to figure out who's responsibility was what, who's turn to change the diaper, etc....having an infant is hard work and puts stress on both of you. Try not to neglect him....remember how you used to make him feel special before the baby? Well do some of that now.

On the whole body image thing...yes it totally sucks. Your body will never be the same. You can get into fantastic shape at the gym, but something, a stretch mark, something will still be changed forever. You have to accept this and accept that you are still sexy and beautiful and that your husband still loves and desires you. The more you dwell on the 'flaws' and bring it up, the more he will be forced to deal with them as well. If you pretend to be confident, he will go with the flow as well.

I speak from experience....I have horrible stretch marks and very unelastic skin, nothing snapped back into place after childbearing. I've been in good shape (I'm not now) but it was never the same as before babies....and my husband still finds me desirable and sexy.

He said because the stretch marks are a result of OUR babies, he really overlooks them and they don't bug him.

We are our own worst critics. Did your husband marry you for your looks. Well, OK, maybe partially, that's why he was attracted in the first place, but what has made him stay with you for 17 years? It's how you treat him, love him, admire him. It's your personality and character.

Answer 4

Once u have a baby ur body NEVER goes back to the way it was cuz no matter what ur hips widen and theres no bringing them back...

I'd give it some time u gotta figure a new baby and w/ that comes alotta stress, sleepless nights etc... B4 u know it things will be back to normal...Have u discussed this w/ him? Told him how u felt? U should find a sitter for an ovr night and go to dinner or do whatever so u2 can just talk thats what u need... communication makes a great marriage being able to tell ur spouse how u feel and him/her actually listen and try 2 accommadate ur feelings...

Hows ur sex life been since the baby? Men have a tendency to feel ignored w/ a new baby... Sex is another vry important thing in a marriage u need to connect w/ ur spouse on that level. Make sure he knows as well that u still find him sexy and let him know if he's making u feel not so sexy...But make sure its him making u feel that way not urself cuz after we have babies we just feel blah and ASSUME they think the same thing.

Good luck 2 u , u2 have been thru alotta yrs 2gether don't read to much into it, everything will work out ...promise!

Answer 5

maybe you are just being hormonal
maybe he is having the problem--there is a 16 year age difference between your children
maybe he thinks he is too old for this although he wouldnt change it if he could.
i have a new daughter--she is 6 months old
we didnt plan her she "slipped in under the radar"
we had decided not to have any children but we have her anyway
maybe the both of you just need time to adjust to a new situation
and after all the years you have been together i'm sure a soft stomach isnt gonna kill him
and it will firm back up only it will take longer this time
you guys will be fine just relax and enjoy your little one
and the first chance you get show him things havent changed!

Answer 6

How long ago did you have the baby? Having a child puts strain on the mommy and daddy both. Sometimes the father feels neglected because the baby is taking most of the mothers attention, and the mother feels the same as well. As far as the figure thing, girl it will never be the same. You can try to do some ab workouts, but face it your body changes after a baby. I can remember when my little guys was young, it was soo hard. You almost feel as if you dont have a marriage, because babies require alot of attention. One thing that my hubby and I did, was made a date night for us every two weeks. It made a world of difference. Every week would be of been great but finding a babysitter was a problem. Try it!! Another thing was that we had to sit down and talk. Both should realize the other one is under alot of stress and the tension is high. Need to try to find away to disfuse it. And the most effective thing that helped us to involve God in our marriage. Its amazing how He has changed our life.
Edited:
There are also books that explain emotions and feelings of resentment when you have a baby. Might help if you both take the time to read a book about it.

God Bless!

Answer 7

I am not sure what to tell you. I have not been with my husband nearly as long as you have been with yours. Having my baby a year and a half ago actually brought my husband and I closer together. We were having some problems before I even got pregnant. Something just seemed to change when I was pregnant, it was like we were both working toward a common goal as a team. He was so much nicer to me while I was pregnant and newly post-partum.
Since we have had the baby, we have come to terms together that my body will never be the same as it was when we got married (and neither will his for that matter). We still fight a lot (mostly about money and who does the most house chores), but my husband absolutely refuses to go to bed angry. I have tried. I even tried to sleep on the couch one night, and he wouldn't let me. Maybe that is what you have to do. Maybe you have to be the one to resolve the fight no matter what.
Or go to marriage counseling. Having a baby is a very hard thing for couples to endure, and it is better to seek help than to just give up on love.

Answer 8

Hopefully, it's nothing more than a major adjustment to an addition to the family. Another side of the situation is probable depression on your part after the birth. Additionally, and please forgive my bluntness, but if all you have is an attractive body - that isn't enough! Now, I know there's much more to you than that so bring that other side of you to the front. The guy loves you or he wouldn't still be around - we all have those little patches of bad weather now and then. Weather the storm and the sun will break through again! Good luck!

Edit: "Devoted" is to "2fine4U" as 2 + 2 is to four. Listen to the guy and chill!

Answer 9

I understand what you're going through.
Don't worry, chances are this is just a postpartum phase.
Right now, you're insecure. Your body is not what it used to be, you feel different, you're taking care of someone else; things are stressful.
Imagine how your husband feels, probably stressed (although a baby is a joy) because caring for a child take a lot of work.
I wouldn't take it personal, If I were you.
Here's what I'd suggest though!!
You should tell him how you feel and explain everything to him. Make sure you let him know how much you love him and how insecure you are at this moment. Also, suggest spending some family time together.. where you and your husband can take your daughter places like the park for a little picnic. Little things like that help put that bond back in place.

Answer 10

Having a baby is a big adjustment. He is having to share you with the baby and everything revolves around the baby. This can be very stressful for some men. Sometimes I don't think that they even consider what life will be like with a baby. Some men also feel trapped when it dawns on them.You have been together 17years with out kids. That is a long time. You don't say how old the baby is. Sometimes it takes a while to get your body back. Have you asked him what is wrong? You also don't say what you argue about. That might help to answer you a little better. Good luck to you.