Ways to deal with a bad listener?

Question

I get so irritated because my mother is a terrible listener. She asks leading questions where she just assumes the answer ("so, you had a busy day today?" before I even say anything on the phone, for example).

If I say I'm feeling tired and SHE is feeling down she projects it on to me ("so, you're feeling down today?"). NO, I'M JUST TIRED. Or she makes assumptions: "it's because you didn't go to bed early enough last night, right?" NO, MOM, I ACTUALLY WENT TO BED EARLY...I'M JUST TIRED!!

Feeling that the things you say are constantly misunderstood is frustrating. Is there anything I can do to help improve our communication style? I just get so annoyed by having her always ask the question in a way that assumes she knows the answer and then I have to answer, "No, actually..."

Answer 1

Smack her repeatedly. Sometimes all people need is to be smacked around a little.
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Answer 2

Be kind but honest with your mom. Explain to her that you need her to listen to you without offering a solution or an assumption of what you are saying. It is best to explain it to your mom at the point of the conversation where she seems to be assuming more than intended. Ask her during conversation, for example.) you say you are feeling tired, she states, " It's because you didn't go to bed early enough last night, right?" You respond by saying, No mom that is not what I said or meant to imply. Something like that. Communication is a learned behavior, a lot of the older generation didn't have much communication with their parents and never really learned to communicate well; much less listen well. But this can be changed by initiation and demonstration. Good Luck. I wish you well.

Answer 3

You are dealing with your Mom who is another generation and I can feel your communication broke down far away. Here is my advice and I hope it can change the way you deal with her. m Whenever she asks about your health and well being I am sure she is deeply concerned about you. Unfortunately your mom still thinks you are her 6 years old so she will continue her conversation and lead you into her own assumption. However, do not get irritate for nothing but, try to be polite and explain to her nicely as such " Well mom I thank you for your concern but, I did go to bed early and still I am tired and I need someone to patch me on my back. I am counting on your support. " Remember she loves her kid so much and she is trying too hard and forget how to listen. Forgive her and learn how to talk sweet. Little by little she will see your side and your both communication will improve. Remember you both can feel each others feeling very well even though, you are talking on the phone. Whenever you have a negative thought toward her, she can feel it and she will give it back to you. In my opinion, it is the elderly swamp before yous attitude. So give her your positive outlook then she can get positive feed back.

Answer 4

Dont leave your statements open for interpretation. Instead of just saying your tired, reverse her over communication by respnding to questions in more detail. How are you today? (eplain then answer)

Well, work was stressful today had extra work put on me so I am alittle tired, and just want to relax the rest of the day to be fresh for tommarrow.

How can she assume anything more? You explained yourself and then answered. Then take control of the conversation. (The one who asks the questions control the conversation) So without a breath between return a question at the end of your statement.

But, you don't want to hear about that, how are you feeling today? (See? you answered and took control of the conversation)

Practise this and you will see how enjoyable conversations can be for you if you ask the questions, you control the conversation. End every statement with a closed end statement which is a question.

You feel frustrated because she is controling the conversation and you are letting her.

Answer 5

Stick to the important stuff and avoid the "How are you? I am fine". It's not worth getting upset about. Like the weather, you can't change it or her at this point. So, you become passive aggressive and lead her in other directions during the talks on the phone. Ask her questions or give her examples she can relate to: "Remember how you had to cook for the entire family when you were feeling sick? That's how tired I felt today." She probably means well and just wants to talk to someone. If she's far away and not just the other side of town. Write a letter now and then. She'll probably get a little nuts about receiving mail but you can refer to statements in the letters when she calls to find out "what is really going on."

Answer 6

sounds like she's in a very round about way projecting how she feels upon you, and in reality wants you to ask her those questions. Almost like she wants you to ask her how she is for once and listen to her. My mom's like this. It's also in motherly nature to fret about your offspring and worry how they are getting along with out you. So of course she's going to be worried or concerned about your all over well-being.

The best thing to do is to ask her some questions. Let her talk it out before you talk it out. Another thing is to express how you feel (I don't recommend doing this after a few drinks... had a friend do this once and it ended badly!) She's your mother, and she loves you dearly. She's always is going to be there annoying the hell out of you, until when she's gone.. then you'll look back and miss her annoying the hell out of you. It's one of those things that you should appreciate those around you that you love because one day they will not be around anymore.

Ok, enough sap. But really, I think she's trying to talk to you in a passive aggressive way about her problems. Lend an ear! You might be surprised what she really has to say.

Answer 7

Yes, bad listeners can be very annoying.

Note though, that everyone has different personalities with different traits that we just have to tolerate sometimes. Although this particular trait that comes with her personality is annoying, the type of person she is is still important in this world.

If it is something that is driving you insane and you really think that something needs to be done, you will need to confront her.
Don't get angry and yell at her about it. This may offend her and make her not want to change for you when you are treating her like that.
Talk to her privately, and start with something positive regarding the matter. Then gently but firmly (she needs to know exactly what you are getting at) tell her the problem. Tell her that you love her and love talking to her, but this one thing upsets you a lot.
End it with something positive, and give her the challenge of improving this matter.

Good luck. :)

Answer 8

She may be more than just a bad listener. If she does that to most people she talks to and not just you she could be just very pessimistic. She may be assuming the worst all the time and just takes that for granted. Try to switch the pattern of communication by telling her the best part of your day first. Like, "Hi Mom, boy I lucked out today at work because ------- (fill in the blanks). If she responds negatively to your good news than she is not generally a positive person. Try not to continually put her in the mom role by complaining to her about the little annoyances of life. Save all that stuff for another more positve friend and you may be less frustrated.

Answer 9

EDITED: If you dare to care. http://parentswish.com/site01/big.html

I don't know how old your mom is or her health condition or living condition.
I do know that I would give anything in this world to have my mom asking me the same questions your mom is asking you. All moms do this, because, you will always be their child.
So if I were you I would reconsider, is this a reason to be aggravated, or a reason to REJOICE, because, she is still with you.
It sounds to me like she loves you very much and is actually quite lonely.
The real issue is you and why does it aggravate you.? You know the saying "don't sweat the small stuff".

You could find some mending repairs or cutting coupons from papers and magazines a few clothes for her to wash a couple of things for her to iron, a pick up meal for her to cook for you. Anything that lets her know YOU STILL NEED HER! She already knows you Love her.! Reassurance doesn't hurt though, and when she has gone you won't have to have any regrets. You won't have to remember the times you let her know of your aggravation by the tone of your voice. Or you won't have to say to yourself I wish I could ? Just one more time!
Good Luck! from an aging mother
EDITED:
OMG! I've just finished reading some of the answers and these are the children that mothers LOVE?
Gratitude and Love it appears is missing from the vocabulary " I can just see all of the thumbs down this mother will get. My daughter is 48 years old and I do the same thing as your mom, my daughter tells me everyday she loves me not a day goes by that she doesn't. If I turn a deaf ear to what she is saying she doesn't acknowledge it.
My daughter was taught all of the 10 commandments and she remembers the 5th one.

Answer 10

There are a lot of bad listeners out there, that's for sure...
With people like this, I tend to keep the conversation short, and to the point...
The less said, the better.
When your mom asks questions like the ones you quoted in your question, just say yes or no.
Don't offer an explanation.
And like a couple of other people answered, confront her and check her up on it.
But again, keep it short and sweet.

Answer 11

Well Adults dont listen. There always thinking about 1)taxes 2)job security 3)groceries 4) retirement 5) getting the kids to school 6) paying for a kids college fund or university 7)Thinking about the run in witha police officer catching you doing 65 in a 50 zone. 8)whats for dinner toninght.9)Is my butt getting big? 10) Is my hair getting grey. 11) Is my father or mother doing ok? 12) what is that screeching sound from my car?13) how much will it cost to fix the noise? 13) do i have money or time to fix that noise? 14) AM I INSANE? 15) What is this kid complaining about now? 15) great she angry at me again? OH she tired.


I hope that wasn't condescending. I didnt mean to have it that way. I'm just saying be great full that you can enjoy your youth now for it will end soon.

Be more considerate to your parent ask if you can make her life easier around the house and he/she will take more notice in you and tell them that you love them.