3.5 years and now the relationship is strained again. He goes to counseling for his anger issues, he's nice for a few months, then he's short-fused again and we bicker every night. Yelling at my son for normal activities, fighting with my 9 year old like he's 9 himself, fighting with me for getting mad at him for fighting with my son....constant circle. I'm walking on eggshells again - can't say anything without him getting mad.
2007-10-24 10:18:01 · 20 answers · asked by jcsmom1998 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You shouldn't have to live like that, and neither should your children. I highly recommend counseling -- for you, for him, and for both of you together -- if you do want to stay in this relationship.
Now would also be a good time to take a good, hard look at the relationship and ask yourself if this is how you want to live. Why are you with him? Do you want to be with someone who mistreats your children and doesn't treat you with respect? Do you think he genuinely wants to change, or does he just behave for a while to keep you from leaving?
You may have some difficult decisions ahead of you. Good luck.
2007-10-24 10:23:38 · answer #1 · answered by War Games AM 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough situation. The best things to stop allowing control is to not allow it. I know that sounds silly, but it sounds like you are arguing back with him and maybe making a bad problem worse. I know you have to stand up for your son and that makes the situation even more complicated. However, when he wants to argue/fight with you, just walk away. I learned to just leave the room when some nonsense bickering starts. I might say something like, "Obviously, you just want to argue and I'm not going to argue with you tonight." Then, leave the room and sleep somewhere else for the night or for a few nights......however long it takes until he is in a better mood. Try to remain calm and not argue back. This only makes an angry man worse. You also need to be firm in telling him what's acceptable and what's not. Yelling at your son and fighting with him is not acceptable. Tell him it's not acceptable and you won't tolerate it. However, tell him calmly and without argument. Don't fuel his anger by hanging out arguing with him and explaining yourself. If he's an angry / controlling person, then it won't matter what you say anyway.....(at least not when he's in an angry state). Tell him you will talk to him when he's in a better mood. When you do decide to talk to him about something, then tell him you will talk to him as long as there is no screaming / yelling / cursing (whatever he does that is inappropriate) and if he starts any of that, then you will end the conversation and leave the room. Also, tell him you will not accept arguments in front of your son and enforce if. If he starts something, walk away. If he follows you, go to a room with a lock and lock the door. Of course, with a child in the house, you have to handle some things differently. Always do whatever you have to do to shelter your child from your conflicts. However, I think walking away from arguments will be better for you and your child and will let your guy know that you are not going to tolerate bickering from him. It is positive that he goes to counseling. Next time he starts something with you, calmly tell him he's getting out of line again and you need him to go back to counseling. Good luck to you.
2007-10-24 17:32:11 · answer #2 · answered by Amy27 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I fail to see how his anger issues are controlling you unless you allow it. When he gets in the 'anger mode' and starts yelling at the kids and you, just pack up and LEAVE. Tell him that you and the kids are going to go hang with your parents or sister or whomever for a few days until he gets his act together. If you don't protect your children from his abuse and anger, you are almost as bad as he is. Your first job should be to protect those kids.
Also, it might be a good idea to get some counseling yourself, you might learn some techniques on how to diffuse his anger as opposed to igniting it further.
2007-10-24 17:23:49 · answer #3 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
What were you like before you met this man?A lot more confident?Happier?DO NOT let this man control you or your son any more.He is not worth it.No man is worth it.Your son is being exposed to such a bad atmosphere. He should be happy and confident, not unhappy and nervous as I suspect he is now.I have been there. Pack you bags and leave. Do not sacrifice yourself and your child. You both deserve more. Get help. CAB, the police,friends, family,solicitors. I used them all. I am me again now and my son is happy with a smile on his face. Good luck.
2007-10-24 17:53:19 · answer #4 · answered by Nicola T 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's been my observation that a man with this kind of issues probably will not change. He may or may not even WANT to change. Some people just have tempers and that's the way they are..just like you're the way YOU are.
You never said if you love him. I think that's the first thing you should address.
If the answer is no, you need to go.
If the answer is yes, you probably REALLY need to go.
Good luck. I hope it works out for you
2007-10-24 17:48:37 · answer #5 · answered by Barbi T 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh hon, I think counseling needs to happen more.
Self-control when you have such anger issues is hard.
This is very hard for your son to understand and accept. When this happens try to plan normal activities with your son without him around while he takes a timeout to cool off.
2007-10-24 17:51:11 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
when bickering or anger surfaces REMOVE yourself from the situation...leave the room, go for a walk or drive, saying to him that when emotions get under control you will be happy to talk about the issues in a calm manner. that will begin to show him you are not going to tolerate it anymore and will break the cycle But you have to be firm and consistent in your boundary setting. Leave the room.
2007-10-24 17:24:09 · answer #7 · answered by Twiggy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ooh I was married to one of those...I just started doing what I wanted to do and if he didn't like it tough...came down to me serving him divorce papers..It took a year of rough fights because the more he lost control over me..the worse he got but all is quiet now and it was the best thing for me to do...I look back and realise I was not living my life...I took the control back and took it away from him. NO ONE especially a Husband ...should control a wife or another person!
Never ever again will I be married to a man like that!!
2007-10-24 17:23:08 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
my boyfriend used to be like that untill one day i told him that he's making me hate him more and more every day and i want to break up... We broke up for 2 weeks and then got back together. That was the first time i saw him cry to me all of the pain he has been feeling for the past year. After we got back together he still gets a bit controling at times and talks to me like he shouldnt. So i go out, do what i want, and he just has to deal with it, because i tell him all the time that he can not talk to me like that, its not right , and he owe's me an apoligy. He eventually realized that he was wrong and he tells me he's sorry...
I think you just have to put him back in his place.
2007-10-24 17:39:41 · answer #9 · answered by shellz23 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you can change him.
I understand their is a child involved,but he's got to take control over himself.
And I also think, you might benefit from some counseling as well. For strength and support so you can be there for your son.
2007-10-24 17:27:26 · answer #10 · answered by stink 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋