What is going on?

Question

I just discovered that my wife has accumulated about $40,000 in debt, which she had been hiding from me. I was tipped off to take a closer look at things, when some of our bills were not getting paid, like the house payment (She always mails the bills from her office). When I confronted her she came clean, but she handed me a stack off bills she never mailed....the checks I wrote out were still in the envelopes. I drained our saving trying to get caught up on the bills. I am so pissed.
She refuses to tell me what and where all the money went.

I just opened a checking account in my name only, so she doesn't interfere with me paying the bills anymore.

Answer 1

d i v o r c e

Answer 2

You answerers are so quick to advise someone to DIVORCE! It sounds pretty crappy what she did but you don't even know why she did it. Sure it was wrong for her to do that but she may have a serious problem that you would want to help her with because she's your wife. All these people who say "divorce" are people who never want to work out thier problems. "Just give up and run away" right? What the hell? That's part of society's problem and that's why divorce is so high and family means nothing anymore. It's time to play detective and get to the source of her problem and then HELP her if that's what she needs. After all you are married for a reason...you love her....right? Just start with that and the rest will handle itself. Money isn't everything.

Answer 3

You say "She refuses to tell me what and where all the money went."
You need marriage counseling to get to the root of the problem. Or you need a good divorce attorney.
Edited to add: Opening your own checking account is a good start. But that doesn't address the real cause of the problem. What did she spend all that money on? Why is she keeping it from you? You deserve answers and until you get them the trust in your marriage is gone. Without trust you have nothing.

Answer 4

Obviously there is a problem. She may have a spending problem, She just maybe a "Shop-A-ho-lac"..... She may hide things from you because she is embarrassed to ask for help.
Yes! I'd be pis-ted off at her... But, I'd also make her admit she has a problem and then get the help she needs.
Also, you need to go to the bank and get a loan to pay the credits cards off. Then cut the dam things up.
As for the checking account... Leave it in your name for now, until she can prove she can be trusted again.
It may take awhile...But, explain it to her that she needs to do this for you to trust her again.
It's a hard situation to do the wrong reaction to this dilemma... It can ruin both of you, or make you stronger.
Good luck!!

Answer 5

I know it's difficult, but you guys can handle this! It's one of those things that happens in marriage...that has an awful consequence. Be thankful that you found out now and work with her. Like you said, you already took sole "custody" of the bank account, so that's your first step.

What is it that upsets you more, the fact that she accumulated all that debt or the fact that she hid it from you? Because you can work through both. Explain to her that when you took on all the financial decision-making, it's not because you're trying to be mean but because you want to protect your possessions. Deal with it on that level instead of always telling her how irresponsible she is. I tink she already knows that by now...or at least I hope she does!!!

Answer 6

Do you think she had or has a drug addiction? How about gambling? There is some place that that money went. Did she or does she mess around?
When you said she came clean about spending the money only? Or where she spent it? If you can give us a little more info maybe we can up date our ans were.. Best wishes your way... You sure must love this lady... Grant M in Pennsylvania

Answer 7

Maybe she was planning on leaving you & needs some money. She definately owes you an wxplination. I'd talk to a lawer & maybe think about fileing for a divorce. BTW maybe you can check her credit report it mught be able to tell you if she has any acounts that you don't know of, maybe the money is there.

Answer 8

Smart move on opening up your own account. Step two is cutting up all her credit cards and demanding her to tell you how on earth she managed to spend $40,000 and has nothing to show for it. She may think it's none of your business, but when you're bills aren't getting paid and you're in jeopardy of losing everything you're working for, then it most certainly is your business. Good luck!

Answer 9

when u can't financially trust a person, and they are sabotaging your credit and putting u in financial ruin, its time for u to either take over all monies, or get a divorce. but the dishonesty is something i would really be worried about, if she won't tell u where all this money went, there should not be any secrets in a marriage, as it builds a wedge. either insist on therapy, or get a divorce.

Answer 10

She may have a gambling habit or she has a large balance in another bank account in her own name. She needs to tell you why she didnt pay the bills. If she doenst maybe try counseling.

Answer 11

She has to tell you the truth or she will never gain your trust back...(if that's what you and her want.) Better sit her down for a long talk and take over ALL the bills and money....If she doesn't want to tell you then I would take her off my checking and or savings, credit cards......