partner or parents?

Question

if you are married in your opinion does your partner and kids become your new family (as in the ones that come first) and do your parents, brothers, sisters etc then become your extended family?
what would you do if your mum hated your spouse and your spouse hated your mum but you have always been close to your mum and you are getting ultimatums from both sides???

by partner i do mean spouse (hubby or wife!)

main problem is my mum comes to visit everyday but hubby is usually at work. if i argue with hubby my mum will butt in sticking up for me. my hubby and my mum are not the type of people to back down so it turns into major row.
hubbys point of view is why does my mum always need to be poking her nose in our business everyday and why she doesnt go and sit with my other sister? he thinks my mum is the reason for any problems we might have.
my mums point of view is she thinks he wants to cut me off from my family (although hubby loves my dad) and she wouldnt understand if i said i didnt want her to come round as often.

ultimatum; hubby says she is not to come round anymore because he isnt going to be around her

my mum is not going anywhere because she is not going to let him 'win' !!!

Answer 1

They're both extremely selfish for giving out ultimatums. Personally I would put my foot down. I'd say "mom, he's my husband. You don't have to like him but you do have to be respectful of my choices and do not give me any more ultimatums. You will not like the outcome"
Then I'd say basically the same thing to the hubby.
Ultimatums have no place in healthy relationships.

Answer 2

yeah this is hard. People are funny things sometimes. I suppose your mum wants the best for you. Why do they not get on? do they have reasons are any of them jealous that the other one is taking your attention from them ?
While i think your Husband is important you must listen and care about your Mum Too. Your Kids are a different matter they are top of the list always ! before anyone in my book. Talk to both sides and try to get to the bottom of the real reasons as to why they do not get on.. If your mum is normally a good judge of character and not funny with others maybe she has a point? I don't know.... i would just keep an open mind and do not shut anyone out if you can possibly help it.
DO NOT BE BULLIED INTO ANYTHING FROM ANYONE ! if they cared about you they should not put you in this position. Back off from it and get to the root of the problems. x
I would not be without my Mum

Answer 3

Well I know how I deal with ultimatums, I leave the situation!

So here is a suggestion which you might find useful, inform both your spouse and your mum that if they do not cease and desist right now, and learn to accept each other, or you can find a nice place to live on your own and have no contact with either of them.

Pathetic that 2 grown people cannot put love and family first, instead of their own desires and judgements. I don't envy you this situation. Hope you manage a solution before they drive you bonkers!

Answer 4

I would stand by my hubby. The bible said, husband and wife, when they get married, become separated from their parents and become one. If your hubby is not happy with your mum, there must be a reason.

Stand by him. Make him feel you two are together. Your mum is only a close family member, not somebody who can make decision for this family. You two are responsible for this family, not her.

This is the core principle. Your hubby is right. If you expect him to be the head of the family, how can you let somebody else to be in charge? how does he feel if the decisions he made were vetoed by someone else? how does he feel if his wife is not standing by him but instead making him feel he is the outsider (you did)? No matter how close you are to your mum, your hubby is your intimate lifelong partner in the marriage designed by God.

I don't think I'm a good example. I'm quite firm with my parents and I'm always the 'bad' guy in the family. My hubby plays the role of a good guy so my parents like him very much. There is no overnight row between me and my parents because I'm their daughter. But if my hubby is the bad guy, they will easily blame him because they don't have that bondings between them, and that will push them apart even further.

I'm probably not a good example but what I'm trying to say is, once you are married, you stand by your husband. You have the responsbility to keep your family united and loving. Any external (incl. your mum) forces should be kept away.

god bless.

Answer 5

Hi hun, mine are the same :( its a crap situation to be in - but yes your 'new' family is your new life you, your partner and your children - although your family will always be there for you or should be! - neither side should be giving ultimatums - if each love you - they shud not ask you to choose as it is impossible!! Ask each to just let you get on with it and ignore each other 0 if they dont want contact - then thats all well and good basically tell them if they cant say anything nice say nothing at all - and that goes for everythin they do. My partner and my family have no contact and i keep them totally seperate i know if i have a prob i can go to both but if i hav a problem with either of them i cannot go to the other cos they are bias and you know wot they'l say! Good luck! hope ya work it out :D xx

Answer 6

That's tough...Once I got married my husband and step kids became my "family" and my parents wishes and demands were put on the back burner. I think it should be that way. Your spouse should come first, then your kids, then your parents and bro/sis.

I understand what you are going thru b/c my dad and my husband hated each other for the first 2 years of our marriage. My husband was finally able to prove he was "worthy" of me to my father, basically by being a good man, providing financially and emotionally and my father saw that my husband made me happy. When he saw that he put the effort into getting to know my husband instead of judging him ( he had long hair, divorced and 4 kids plus 8 yrs older than me so my dad automatically hated him). Once they got to know each other they became good friends.

Ok, now that probably doesn't help your situation but the moral of the story is.....there is a reason your spouse and your mom hate each other, you need to find out what that is. Maybe it is something that can be fixed, they just don't connect or personality conflicts that can be solved. Maybe it is a control issue. Your husband feels he is now your family and he should come first but your mom can't let go of the fact that you are her baby girl and wants to be in control of your life. That happens ALOT. Hopefully you can get to the root of the problem, but if not you are going to have to tell your mom to back off. give her an ultimatum of your own...seriously, tell her to butt out and stop her ultimatums or she will not have any contact with you or your kids until she can control herself and realize you have your own family and while she is important, there are others that come first and who's opinions and directives are more important. Your mom is going to have to understand. Either that or you can end your marriage over your parents. It sounds like your husband is not going to put up with whatever your mom is doing and you have to take control before it is too late. Trust me, your parents could ruin and end your marriage, mine almost did. Good luck, stand your ground and be firm. The first thing they all need to realize is this is hurting YOU, the one they are both suppose to love and they need to stop it b/f you throw both of them out of your life.

Answer 7

I always believe husband and kids come first always. I hate my mother-in-law interfering.She has even invited themselves down for next xmas and said the kids arnt allowed to open their pressies until they get here at 9.30 which is really 10am to them.I am so p****d off as my baby is at an age where she knows what its all about and is so excited. I will be putting my foot down over this as it would have been nice for them to ask instead of telling. I know how you feel AND how your hubby feels too.
What I am saying is you are not the only one to go through it. Though in my opinion you can strike a happy medium getting them both to sit down and discuss it rationally or else

Answer 8

hi ya gem,
i understand it''s hard.me and my mother in law fight like cat and dog because we both think we know what's best. i will never stop my hubby seeing her or my children but sometimes we have to meet on mutual ground such as park, pub or town so if i get stressed i can walk away and cool off for a bit. i was never close to my mum so find it hard to except his relationship with his mum. is there a reason they don't agree ie does he think she undermines his way of parenting, running the house etc. try and compromise and just see your mum when he is at work or meet her at a play group or swimming or something for the kids. the trouble is if they don't get on the chances are they never will but don't choose as you will probably resent the other. good luck x and my motto is deep breaths!

Answer 9

Your husband has to come first in this situation and you should avoid discussing your marital rows with mum, I'm afraid. Its just fuelling her flame of dislike! I think if she isn't getting anywhere by winding you both up, she wont be visiting quite so much. I think its a little unreasonable of husband to expect you to not have mum in the house but equally, he is trying to protect his new wee family and sees it all being trodden on by someone else. If it was his mum interfering - how would you feel?

Answer 10

That is sooo wrong for either side to give ultimatums! But you should love both families the same. Most people would say though that the wife comes over the mother unless she is sick or needs your help of course.