When is enough enough?

Question

It seems as though many of the people of yahoo answers advocate divorce, but as a person who believes in the vows I took it is hard for me to take that step. I have been married five years, with a four year old and one due in two months. My husband and I have been through numerous problems; cheating on his part, financial strain, the list goes on and on. We are in our sixth session of marriage counseling and have moved away from his side of the family to another state where my family resides. We are still arguing everyday, nonstop and can't stand each other. We moved here for a fresh start, but even though all of the terrible things he did in the past have stopped and he is more responsible and acting like more of a man, we still can't stand each other. 5 years, two children, I'm interested in people's opinions on how long we should keep this up?

Answer 1

i don't like it when everyone's answer to someone's question is "DIVORCE". some people don't believe in divorce, some couples can work through their problems, and our divorce rate in the US is high enough without everyone telling each other to take the easy way out all the time (i KNOW i will get thumbs down for that, but so be it).
my advice to you, stick with the couple's counseling. you've only had six sessions. and you're trying to work out five years of issues. also do individual counseling - both of you. neither of you are over the issues in your marriage, and though talking about them together in couple's counseling offers a healthy way to communicate, you also need to focus on yourself. you have to figure out if you can improve yourselves to improve the marriage. and, in doing this, you may discover that it's time for you to leave. it you come to that decision, it is your right. there is no time limit on making a marriage work, but you don't deserve to be miserable forever. set realistic goals so that you don't get overwhelmed, track progress, and really focus on improving yourself and your marriage.

Answer 2

If you are miserable, you have honestly tried, both of you and you also state that You Can't Stand Each Other, (more than once), then I would say that this marriage is not working. Sometimes two people may love each other but cannot truly live together and be happy and compatible. This is the two of you. However, you must vow to parent your children together because their happiness is the utmost importance. Sit down, talk this out and decide how you will work the demise of your marriage. Also important, remain friends for the sake of the children.

Answer 3

I do not advocate divorce! However, there is a reason it exists and your situation is a good example of that reason! You said it yourself, you can't stand each other! WHY would you want to remain in that situation for another minute? It is not good for your children, it isn't good for you and it isn't good for him!! It seems like you have given your marriage a chance, but it isn't getting any better! Maybe a seperation would help. Hold off on the divorce proceedings, but ask him to move out! Maybe the distance would be good for the two of you! Maybe you will find out that you are a lot happier without him around. Either way, you will have some time to figure out what you really want.

Good luck to you!

Answer 4

I was married for 20 years and I used to ask my counselor when I'd know it was time to leave (in other words when is enough enough)? She used to respond with, you'll just know when it's time. I used to think that was crazy.

I've been divorced now for 12 years and I can honestly say that it was that simple. One day, I woke up and knew it was time. No questions, no remaining concerns, I just knew I'd had enough.

I do believe that there are really few issues that a couple shouldn't try to work out. You should be able to say to yourself that you gave it everything you had and then some. And then, only cases like infidelity (if you couldn't forgive it), drug/alcohol addictions, abuse (emotional and physical) should result in divorce.

I believe that more now than ever. I spent 11 years looking for a good partner. That's a very long time to be alone and on your own. I finally met the right guy and we're on our way to getting married soon. I'm much wiser now and realize that no one is perfect, no relationship is perfect and when you jump around from one relationship to the next, you invariably end up dealing with issues (different maybe, but issues nonetheless).

Be careful when you make the decision but once you make it, stick to it. Putting children through years of fighting is very hard on them but being a broken up family is also hard. There is no right and wrong - if you're being careful and you follow your gut, you'll do the right thing.

Good luck...

Answer 5

ur 6 session of marriage counseling should be said enough. u two completely have different point of views, and he obviously has never had any respect for u what so ever. what i dont get is why u stayed with him even after he cheated on u. ur a brave women...but it's time to let him go, seperate from him. ur closer to ur family take ur child and leave for a while. tell him that u need ur space. if he has a problem with that tell him that u have a problem with him acting the way he does. that u just want the fighting to stop and u want to be happy. if he doesnt make u happy then whats the point? u only live once! i wish u the best of luck

Answer 6

Oh and the kids are suffering as well. The more your kids see you fight the worse it becomes. The kids know that you cannot stand each other they are not stupid. There is no glue in the relationship so why keep it. You went to counceling you moved away and still you cannot stand each other? Do you both of date night without the kids? Do you both do special things for one another? Start doing the things that brought the two of you together and continue doing those things and see what happens. If it is still the same then divorce.

Answer 7

Do you believe in your vows for religious reasons or just because you said them?

I am not an advocate of divorce - I think people often use it as a permanent solution to what are often temporary problems.

You seem to have risen to the task and tried counseling and changing your situation - if things are still not good then it's time to seriously consider getting out of the relationship. If you have religious issues with divorce - remember this....God did not put you on this earth to be miserable.

Answer 8

Why put it off any longer...getit over with. And dont say your staying for the kids. That is the nuber one wrong reason. The fighting is not good for the kids. And you need to behappy and so do they. So just do it and get over it. Or maybe just seperate to see if it is just stress that yall are going through or if yall really hate each other. Stress is a big problem in marriages these days. Things couldnt be that bad cause your pregnant. Do you think that the reason yall arent getting along is because your pregnant. Ya know some men find pregnant women unattractive. Not saying you are! There has to be a reason why yall cant get along.

Answer 9

You are hurting your baby yourself and everything that is around I know you believe in your vows but are you going to live a miserable life forever this is hard you are arguing all the time at that is not good for your baby think of your kids leave you are close to your family and you have went through marriage counseling and it is still not working enough is enough put your foot down.

Answer 10

It's funny how people think moving your lives to another state or town will change the people you are with. He doesn't respect you or the vows you made to eachother no matter where you live. The damage has been done, and sometimes you can't go back. Is spending the rest of your life in misery with someone you can't stand to even look at worth the vows you made? And you "I made a vow for better for worse" people - try putting yourselves in her shoes. And if you ARE in her shoes, how happy are you? Give me a break. You only get one life. PLUS, your kids are learning this behavior. Think about them too.