I’ve received a LOT of RUDE replies back from my recent question in regards to my husband working a 2nd job.

Question

I make okay money but as I said, it’s not enough to cover my half (just thinking in terms of financial responsibility/realistically)plus his extra debt. Going into a relationship or marriage you should be able to afford your share (your own bills as well as half of the house bills). I don’t mean this to sound selfish but unless one of the parties makes a LOT of money (which I don’t) then realistically, both should be able to cover their bills- No matter how you divide it. I’m not saying I won’t help him- I’m just saying that you should at least shoot to cover your bills. How is that Selfish? That’s how my brain works and I have perfect credit (plan to keep it that way). If you can’t cover your bills and the other person is not rich than you have a problem. I have used "my bills" for mathematical purposes only. Of course I’ll help my husband. AND- who ever mentioned divorce pleadings is IGNORANT. There will be no divorce. People are here for REAL advice not ignorance.

Answer 1

I dont think you are out of line, and neither is he really. The two of you have different money styles though. This maybe should have been shaken out and agreed upon before the marriage ( maybe it was, i dunno). But since this is where you both are now, you have to deal with it. Bottom line is that you can not force him to work more or adopt your money-views. In marriages, what happens is that everything needs to just get piled together ( the bills and the money). So I suggest that you handle the bills, pay what you can and when he starts wondering where the fun money is ( or worse, grocery money), maybe he will get the clue. You sometimes have to SHOW others that it wont work rather than say it wont( even if you have tried on paper to show him the $$ isnt right). BOttom line, pile it all together, pay it all together, let him live with having no money as a result. It has to be his idea to grind out some more cash.

Answer 2

Wow. I did not see your original question, but I was surprised by a couple of just the replies here.
I understand your thoughts completely and I think you're just being practical in the money management. I think the problem is that it is...I don't know if I want to say, a bit "taboo" to talk openly about the more practical part of marriage this way. To a lot of people, particularly women, you should see marriage only in terms of the love and definitely more as unity than a partnership - (i.e. his & hers but just ours). It seems that you do see it that way as *yours together*, but people aren't seeing that. I think realistically you *need* to have an idea of what each person's expenses are! Especially, as you said, going into the marriage, to have an idea of the whole financial picture.
I don't know if I am expressing this well, but I just wanted to give you some support that it doesn't seem selfish to me. It sounds like you have been more in control of your finances and perhaps your husband is not, well not strong in that area so it creates some tension. Money is one of the biggest issues that can come up in marriage, and I think you can work through this!
Best of luck,

Answer 3

Here's why it's selfish. You're still thinking of it as your money and his money. It isn't. You're married. It's become "our money". Now, that doesn't mean that each of you can go spend the "our" money any way you want, either. You need to be a team. You need to come at this as husband and wife. This my money and his money thing just causes problems. So it's selfish because it's separated.

It just doesn't sound like you two are a team when it comes to spending money. That thinking leads to trouble. It causes arguments. It causes stress.

Honestly, here's what I think should happen. Both of you sit down at the table with all your bills. Create a budget. Write it down. Give every dollar a name and a purpose. Include a 'blow' column because people blow money so you may as well have it in there. Once its done, and the two of you agree to it then the two or you as a husband and wife team swear to live by it. The bills get paid. The stress level is reduced. Arguments are reduced. And your a team.

The two of you have to come together on this issue.

As far as the overtime. If the two of you have debt then work the overtime to pay down the debt. Get rid of it. That'll end a lot of arguments.

Answer 4

Why are you getting married if you are determined to keep your finances separate?

What you are saying does not make sense. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. If you are assuming up front that both parties will remain in the same health and be able to shoulder the burden for their own expenses throughout a lifetime, you have another thing coming. That is totally unrealistic and more than you can expect.

My wife and I got married without any debt and that was great. I then went to school to get my Masters and we paid out quite a bit of money on our sick cat. She was my cat before we got married.

Under your assumption, I am responsible for all of the bills that I incurred for my schooling and my cat. My wife is responsible for half of the house, which we bought based upon my salary and not hers. This means that she would have almost nothing left to her name after her half of the house payment.

After all of the above has been stated, my wife has become disabled. She no longer can pay her half of much of anything. She is getting long-term disability and hopefully will be approved for Social Security Disability. Either way, there is no way to maintain an equal distribution of debt in a marriage.

Trying to properly assign and maintain debt in a marriage usually leads to arguments and eventually divorce. I highly recommend that you combine your debts and incomes and work together to zero out the debt.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 5

Whoa! I didn't reply to the selfish part of your question because I thought it was irrelevant to what was actually going on.

The fact of the matter is that marriage is a partnership. You are going to have to help him through this. "For better or worse" right? You two need to sit down and figure it out together. See where you can squeeze the belt tighter. Get a financial planner involved to help him sort things out.

Ultimately money does ruin a lot of marriages. It is one of the number one things couples fight about. You two need to tackle this head on and together.

Sorry if you didn't get the answers you wanted on here. People can be pretty rude with some of their answers, but those are the people you just have to ignore.

Good Luck.

Answer 6

Wow your really sensitive about this. And if your referring to my comment in anyway, to be rude was not my intention. I just think that your putting way to much emphasise on whether its selfish or not. Its okay to be selfish at times. But it is what it is. Own it and love it and don't be mad if other people don't get it. We are talking about what works for you not for them. But realistically people should have enough money to cover their individual bills and the household bills, (by themselves because because no job is guarnteed to you!) But the reality is we do the best we can with what he got. And all you can ask for is HIS best, and TRUST him to do that, if he is NOT doing that - than there lies your problem. Not your bills or your money or your credit.

Good Luck!

Answer 7

My advise is consolidate the blooming bills in to a low interest loan and pay them off . And stop talking about your husband as if he needs to learn a lesson. We all make mistakes, So his was financial. Big deal, If your so up on it, then you should be able to sit down and figure out how to deal with it , with him. And you get what you ask for.

Answer 8

It seems there's another, underlying issue. You and your husband need to get on a written budget. You need to plan every penny, every month, before the month begins. You need to stay on budget. This is VERY hard to do, but the rewards are amazing! You'll communicate, establish expectations, and have less stress.

Get together on this and he can someday give up the second job.

Answer 9

THEN, IF THERE IS SUCH A BIG PROBLEM WITH BILLS; WHY DON'T STOP SPENDING WHAT YOU DON'T NEED TOO. AND LEND A HAND. DON'T YOU JUST LET HIM FALL INTO THE PIT OF HOPELESSNESS. JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT THINGS A CERTAIN WAY DOES NOT MEAN YOU GET TO WATCH SOME ELSE IN PAIN.

Answer 10

Get professional help. What do you expect when you ask a panel of your peers? In an open forum such as this your peers are anyone who wants to respond. Even the cynical, the hateful, the goofy, and the stupid.