Question for the married folk. A few days ago, my husband told me he was no longer attracted to me (at all).?

Question

He has since appologized and said he was having a bad day, but that he is less attracted to me than he was before we got married (I have gained about 20lbs). I have been super sad since he said it, and I am having a lot of trouble getting past it. I struggled with an eating disorder in high school, and had a relapse when we were first dating, so he knows that weight is a tough thing for me. Even though he said it wasn't meant to hurt me, its hard to believe he didn't know it would throw me off. How can I get passed this, both as a relationship problem (I have started to feel super insecure around him) and for myself (I have noticed dangerous eating habits coming back)? Thanks.

Answer 1

he is having a problem that he needs to learn to deal with. now you are left feeling like less of a human being because of what he said. i am overweight and my husband is more attracted to me then i would ever expect him to be because i find myself to be repulsive. he sees the fact that i have born him four children. if your husband is having a problem in this area, it is his fault. he needs to value you more and realize that 20 lbs is not that much. if you have been feeling "frumpy" lately, then you do something about it and hold your head up. make yourself at least seem more self confident and then maybe he will have a better view. if the conversation comes up again, ask him who he is comparing you to. i am sure he is not a super model either.

Answer 2

I guess since you say have been communicating then the question is, "Do you attack the problem, not the person?" By that I mean, when your communicating does it always go back to finger pointing, and the blame game. Or does it go toward the talk you had before marriage, and are the words as sweet to one another as then? At some point if all attempts to work out the problems have been made, you have to just directly ask him...What is going on? and Does he truly feel he wants out of the marriage? The sad fact in that is that marriage is a commitment that is designed to last forever. So I do sincerely hope you two can work out these problems together. If not perhaps some counseling would be a good ground to step on. Sometimes haveing someone mediate helps work out some issues that have been building up between you and need to be the things talked about, but at the same time, its the very issues you sometimes do not have a clue about how to address them. I'm sorry things are at a rough patch for you...I do hope and sincerely wish success in your marriage. Just remember, you love him...make sure that is the message you send him. Take care.

Answer 3

I am sorry he said that to you I bet it made you sad. So there are a few things you can do in the mean time. He said it to hurt you no matter what. Those words are meant to shock and hurt and they did. So I think the best thing to do is act like they didn't. You are sad and there is no real way to stop but stop looking and acting sad. Put the feelings aside and start acting as if he never said anything. But don't try to go after him for sex or hugs or anything. Treat him like he is just a friend. Then when you are able talk to him about it again. Find out why he feels this way. He knew about your eating troubles before and that it is a struggle for you so that should be no reason for him to say he is not attracted to you. You can point that out. When you do speak with him though, stay as calm as possible. No tears, no "woman" stuff. Just logic and calmness.
As far as the eating habits coming back if you are eating a lot, replace the "bad" things with good things if you have to eat. Such as sweet grapes for sweets, pickles, or pomegranates for sour or crunchy also carrots etc... Watermelon is filling and sweet and crunchy. If you are not eating enough or are purging or binging and laxitives or thngs like that again try to eat properly. Eat to fill yourself up, no laxitives or vomiting. Just don't do it. You are in control either way. Dangerous eating habits are a sign of lack of environmental control. You do not have control of what your husbands says or does or feels but that is ok. You do have control over your eating or lack thereof. Take it one step at a time. One day at a time. My dad always said, Change what you can do not worry about what you can't.

Answer 4

Confront him and let him know that you were very hurt by what he said. Twenty pounds is nothing. Not sure how long you've been married, but I'll assume that the years have changed him a bit too, right? Maybe a small tummy? Graying hair? Bald spot? Whatever the case, it sounds as if you love him and accept him for who he is, so he should give you the same consideration. If your physical changes overshadow his views of the person you are inside, then he's the one with the problem. Here's hoping that his apology was sincere and that he finds a loving remedy to make you happy again.

Best of luck!

Answer 5

First of all, the problem is not your eating habits, the problem is your husband. Okay, I am writing from personal experience here. Your husband is the insecure one. If he gets you to believe that you are not attractive to him, won't you think you are not attractive to anyone else either? How dare he bring up something knowing it's a weak spot for you !!!! Of course he knew it would bother you !!! I was told, "You're a few pounds overweight and not the prettiest girl around, but I love you anyway..." This was after 23 years of marriage and now in our 26th year I am waiting for the divorce (initiated by me) to be over. It's mental abuse and don't take it !!!! You can try counseling - but individually. Worry about YOU !!! Get a good counselor who helps you realize what he's doing to you. Good Luck to you...

Answer 6

First of all, you have to respect and love yourself, you have to learn to be secure of yourself and try to get more self-confidence.
Your husband did treat you cruel and there is no excuse for that immature and nasty behaviour.
Many people have a bad day sometimes, but most won’t pay our personal dissatisfactions with our partners by hurting their feelings.
You have to respect your body; eating disorders are very dangerous and are a road to nowhere.
If you do feel unsatisfied with your weight there are many ways to loose weight in a responsible and self - respectable way: Sports and a low fat diet, no sweets and no sugar drinks, no alcohol (or et least only very occasional).
BUT, you should do this if you want it for YOURSELF and not just to please and pamper the wishes of your husband.
When we love a person, we shall love this person unconditionally, as otherwise it isn’t true love at all. How would your husband feel, if you told him, that you don’t feel attracted anymore by him, because he is loosing his hair...
You feel insecure around him? That’s natural, as he did reject you as a woman.
Tell him that you are hurt and that you can’t stand to be around him in that moment, tell him, that you need time to think over your relationship and your future together... make appointments with your lady friends, join a fitness studio, go shopping and to the cinema and leave him alone for a while. He has to feel alone, as he thinks, that your company is guaranteed and he has to feel what it means to be left alone and pushed aside.
As soon as he realizes, that he could probably loose you, he will start to find out; that he has been a jerk and that he does love you and doesn’t want to loose you.
Then he will realize that he loves you and change his behaviour and queer way of thinking.
Be strong and don’t fall back into old dangerous eating habits, as you would punish yourself for something, which isn’t your fault. It is not worth it.
You would only hurt yourself, suffer for nothing and destroy your life.
Women have to learn to respect their bodies and cure our souls.
We are no objects, we are human beings and we do not have to look like meagre models to be beautiful, as real beauty comes out of our heart and soul.
All the best, I am sending you all my love!! Please stay strong and do not do stupid things you will regret afterwards, as life is too beautiful to throw it away.

Answer 7

Sweetie, that was very unkind of him to hurt you like that. even if he meant it or not the damage was done. As far as your weight you take care of it for you and not for him. If I were you I would make an appointment to talk with a marriage counselor because you don't need any emotional abuse here. Let someone help you with the weight issue and get you back on track. Don't let your husband get away with hurtful remarks that will only bring you down. Your husband should love you for you and he is not helping you to love yourself or helping the problem by being mean. If he didn't mean his comment to you he needs to prove it to you by being supportive and considerate when he has something to say to you. When you love someone you be there for them and work together along side of them. He could choose to help you with meal planning and spend quality time with you working out at the gym or start walking with you. There are many things that he has a choice to do here and being emotionally abusive is not one of them.

Answer 8

I have heard the same thing from my soon to be ex wife. I know what youre going through. Your spouse is the most important person to you especially when the clothes come off. Its very important for them to be attracted to you. I think you should really talk to him about it and express how bad it hurt you for him to say that. Tell him that its very important for you to be attractive to him and really want to know why he said that considering your past problems.
You may get to the root of a bigger problem. And as far as gaining weight in a marriage everyone does it , its called security. Im sure he has as well.
I hope this is nothing but a miss placed comment on his part.

Answer 9

These attacks by him are not helping your problem with inferiority. You do not indicate your weight or height, so I will just say you need to do this for yourself and not him. Get this weight issue under-control. Start a daily exercising program it will help you feel better of yourself and hopefully get rid of any excessive weight.
Is your husband over-weight too? Maybe he is hinting that he has found another relationship. Start thinking of yourself and getting control back, do not let him put you down. We all are fighting those extra pounds, just try for yourself and continually work on it, it will make you feel better about who you are.

Answer 10

One I am so sorry that he would say that to you, that is just an awful thing to say. If he really feels this way then maybe you two should not be together anymore. Or you guys can try some new things that can spice stuff up for. For example go out and by some flattering clothes and try and do some new things sexually to get his attention. Maybe you guys are just in a lull...Or maybe seek some marraige couseling, but don't let him effect your health....It's not worth it