Here I sit behind these rusted iron bars. Surrounded by darkness and the presence of other creatures, I have witnessed man's animosity in this world called his own. I have seen more demons than Hell could hold; and although the occasional altruistic person that may wonder past, I have always been chary of this strange species.
Any thoughts or opinions? :)
2007-10-23 21:45:44 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
This isnt work; I enjoy writing and it's a hobby of mine. I just want people to share their thoughts on the short passage.
2007-10-23 21:54:43 · update #1
It would be the beginning of the story but it is all I have at the moment.
2007-10-23 22:17:00 · update #2
It sounds rather objective, try to write as if you were talking to someone; "I'm sitting behind rusted iron bars, it's dark and there are other creatures around"
Something like that conveys the setting better, I think.
And then, I may be wrong; its my opinion.
2007-10-23 21:55:34 · answer #1 · answered by Net Rider 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If writing is your passion, try to be careful about these types of errors:
1. rusty, - not rusted
2. beware of sentence fragments - you can join first and second sentences easily
3. be gender sensitive - say people or human beings instead of man's animosity/his own
4. say: I have seen many demons more than blah blah blah.
5. transitional word 'and' should not be connective here - and although
6. wander - not wonder
7. better 'wary' than 'chary'
8. 'these' if you refer to species
good luck
2007-10-24 01:05:01 · answer #2 · answered by ari-pup 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would be interested to read on. Is this the beginning of a story? Or just a short passage?
2007-10-23 22:05:45 · answer #3 · answered by serene 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I read it and I was impressed! I had to look up chary, thought it meant wary and it did. So is the man in prison, or where?
2007-10-23 22:36:49 · answer #4 · answered by Amy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
do your own work
2007-10-23 21:49:17 · answer #5 · answered by heytheresexy06 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋