Am I a bad wife, or is my husband just crazy?

Question

I was taking a group picture, then I got into the picture but at the opposite end of the group from my husband, and he got mad. He made me promise never to get my picture taken away from him again. Then, 6 months later, I take a picture for a guy, and afterwards he tells me to get in his place. I step between two male acquaintances of ours, and they get my husband on the end, and take a picture. So the line up is my husband, a male acquaintance, me and a male acquaintance. My husband has been furious ever since. He says there is something wrong with me, and that I don't know how to conduct myself. He is accusing me of cheating, checking my cell phone bills to see who I talk to, listening in on my home calls, and the only place I have been for the last 4 months by myself is work. He goes everywhere else I go. We've been married 20 years and this is the worst our marriage has ever been. He says I need help, but I say he does. Who's right?

Answer 1

your husband is the one with the issues.

he seems possessive, obsessive, and easily angered.

usually when one is over-accusing another of cheating-it's b/c they are the ones actually doing so. you might want to check into what HE'S doing. you might be surprised.

i would put my foot down with this matter. tell him he was RIGHT there both times the pictures were taken and he needs to grow up. tell him that if he wants, you can leave him then he won't have anyone to accuse of cheating or cell phone bills to look into. hopefully this will put a stop to his behavior.

but if not, then maybe it's time to look at what's best for you. i wouldn't want to endure months of being harrased about cheating and having my cell phone bills looked at.

good luck!!

Answer 2

Its not a question of who's right? Please do not approach this problem from this angle at all... you won't be able to reach anywhere. Truth is no one needs any therapy or see anyone for this matter.

Your husband is very possesive... if he has not told you ever... didn't you feel that in these 20 years? When you know that while both of you are going to be in the same picture and taking pictures where he is not beside you would make him feel unhappy about it.... why do you guys keep repeating the same acts to bring unhappiness in each other's life?

Since you asked the question I will start from what you cud have done to avert this situation all together.

When you realised what pissed him off the first time, cudn't you take enough measures to see that it never happens again? You promised him and broke that too. Is it like moving a mountain? Its so simple isn't it. Why did you let this happen at the second time?

Don't we do something just becoz we love the other person???.... is there any logic there???....is somebody right or worng while doing these acts???

Ensure it never happens again... save your marriage.

Answer 3

I do not know the full situation here of course...but from what you have said, it's possible that if these actions your husband's displaying continue, that he is potentially dangerous to you, to himself, and to others that may be in the situation, for some reason he feels the need to be in control. Are there children involved? This kind of possessiveness can turn to obsession....which if you have been precise in recording details of what has transpired, he is already obsessed. It sounds like you have resisted his control. So for him now, if you have resisted, it is about getting control, keeping control, and making sure he doesn't lose control again (if he has already had control before this). If an obsessed person loses control over what they are obsessing about, there are innumerable amounts of situations recorded where the obsessed has taken control back by tightening his "grip" on the situation and on you. Your question is "Who's right?". Given that the account is an accurate recording of what has happened, I think that you are right, and are quite possibly in danger. Was your husband abused when he was a child, or did he see his mother abused? I know it sounds trite, but it is true that people who are in relationships with people who have been abused or saw abuse as "part of life", are more likely to be abused. You love him? Suggest quietly and firmly that you both talk to someone, a third party counselor. Therapist, psychiatrist, minister, or some other trained mediator. Friends are great support when you need someone to talk to, but when you need someone objective, they have a hard time not taking sides - a lot of times they don't even know they are taking sides. If counseling doesn't work, or your husband doesn't want counseling, then you need to decide what you want to do next. You always have a choice in any situation. You can choose to do nothing. You can choose to get help for yourself instead....you don't have to live in fear, if you are indeed afraid. Even if you are not afraid, sometimes getting help for yourself is good. A therapist can help you learn how to speak in a firm tone of voice that says you mean what you are saying. Many of us say things in a voice that lacks conviction when we speak - it is a human thing that is done to avoid confrontation. Therapy shows us other ways to say and do things in a firm way that say "I mean it" without being confrontational.
I hope this helps. I wish you all the best. Be well and be always blessed.

Answer 4

If truly nothing is going on on your end, and these two pictures are the only reason he should be feeling threatened (Have you ever flirted with other men? Hung out with any? Have a close male friend he might be jealous of? Everything else in your relationship is/was good?), he is out of line.

It sounds like your husband has some problems with jealousy. Either he is a jealous guy in general (is he?) or if this has been a recent development, HE may be doing something naughty (a lot of times, cheaters assume the same of others). If you are certain he is not, is there something else that may be threatening him? Have you become distant with one another? Has there been discord in your relationship, fighting, etc.? He may be feeling insecure and be afraid that there is reason for it (because you are cheating).

Either way, it sounds like he needs some help, and because most relationships don't tank due to one side only, perhaps you both could benefit from counseling. Try suggesting this option to him, and if he refuses, I don't really know how you can resolve this situation. It sounds like trust is gone on his end, and your wits are waning on yours (and I don't blame you--I would be at wits' end too!). Without help, there is very little more that can be done, and you will have to decide whether to stay or go.

One last note, jealousy can breed some dangerous friends, so make sure that you are safe when you talk to him or pose any possible solutions. If you do not feel you are 100% safe, make sure you take necessary precautions before you do/say anything. There are resources to help you, including your local police.

I wish you both luck.

Answer 5

It seems such a small thing for him to make such a large fuss about. Does he have other things on his mind, and does he have any reason for the suspicions? Have either of you been cheating/cheated on in the past? It may be past baggage rearing its ugly head.
Could it be a sign of a mid-life crisis, it sounds like he might be in that age group.
Are you younger, fitter, more attractive? Have you done something recently that improves your life, (promotion, raise, lost weight) that might be leaving him feeling left behind? Could he be feeling threatened?
But you both need help to get through this. Have you considered getting some marital counseling?

Answer 6

Sounds to me like he needs help.....I am not accusing him of doing something but sometimes the accusing mind is the one doing something.....but if you have not been anywhere by yourself, it does not sound like he has either.....

I would talk to him and if you and he cannot reach an agreement, the you should seek counseling (with him) of course and if he is not willing to do that -- then I dont know what to tell you.....I am not in favor of divorce and I would never tell you to get a divorce but telling you that you do not know how to conduct yourself is insane. It really sounds like he is being overprotective (for lack of a better word)....checking your cell phone bill and listening in on phone calls is just over the top........There is no need in living like that after 20 years of marriage........

I hope you and he can reach an understanding............
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 7

You aren't a bad wife. Your husband is just crazy & obsessive. You need to leave him. You shouldn't have to live your life afraid of what he will do next & you shouldn't have to plan everything out just to please him. That is neither a happy or a healthy relationship. I have seen relationships like this firsthand (my mom & my stepdad) & it always ends horribly. It doesn't matter how long you have been married if he is not treating you right. Don't be afraid to leave. There are places that you can go. If you can't sneak out, then call the police & leave with them. Have a bag ready to go for when they come. If you can't make such a phonecall, agree to the therapist if only to have that therapist help you to get out of that relationship.

Please get out right now. It is only a matter of time before he starts beating you or tries to imprison you in order to "teach you a lesson". Try to keep your escape a secret from him. He seems like the type that would shove you into a closet & lie to the police about the call.

I see women all the time coming into my hospital job just like you. Just like you, they never thought that their husband would take that final step. Some of these women come in in a coma from being raped & beaten so badly. Please please get out while you can.

EDIT:

I can't believe how many people have missed the whole thing about where he monitors all of her calls, doesn't let her leave the house without him being along with her (i.e., without his permission, & accuses her of cheating on him constantly. There is nothing in this relationship that can be fixed. So many people have missed on all of those warning signs only to focus on the whole picture issue. In other words, they've missed the big picture.

Please honey, leave this man. He is no good for you. If after 20 years of marraige he can't trust you, then this is no good. I'm guessing by your phrasing that he's done stuff identical to this in the past, but it is only lately that he's gone to this extreme. Get out now. He's showing radical mood swings & the next one could end up seriously harming you. Tell your coworkers. Escape through work one day. Please don't stay "just because we're married". Marraige is no excuse to be treated like you are an animal or a posession.

Answer 8

Sounds as though he needs to mature and stop being so childish about the petty things. My God, if you have been with him for over 20 years, that alone should tell him you are honest and faithful. He just wants something to ***** about and this is it. But you have to watch men very closely, its a possibility that he has done something wrong himself and this is just his way of making himself feel better..It is always easier to blame the other person...just watch him and see if maybe he has something to hide.

Answer 9

How beautiful and admirable are you? this is pretty crazy. Your husband is just too jealous for you. You are a star to him. I don't think either of you is wrong but just to avoid any misunderstandings from him keep up to his expectations and continue being faithful. For some avoidable circumstances like the ones above or chances of such, always tell him your truth and that there is and will not be anybody in his part and that he should drop such a suspicions about you. Twenty years and your husband behaves this way, then your husband has found you perfect and his fears are that he doesn't want to loose everything about and from you. All the best.

Answer 10

what a nightmare. Your husband (if you dont mind me saying) neds to do some serious growing up. How can he assume you are cheating because of the way a photo was taken? He sounds possesive.
Tell him to get a life.