My friend had a month-long consentual sexual relationship with a close family friend, the mother of some kids he was babysitting for. His mom found out and told the police. The woman has been arrested. My friend didn't want any of his friends to know, but oh well, we found out. I am just shocked, but my friend's been going through some tough family problems, so I kind of understand. I'm really upset though, and shaken. What does my friend need from me right now? How should I treat him?
2007-10-23 21:28:30 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
He's 14 by the way.
2007-10-23 21:29:00 · update #1
If she has been arrested and the whole community knows about it now... he's gonna have a whole world of judgement on him right now. He WILL have people telling him for sleeping with her, he WILL have people tryin to high five him for bangin her, he WILL have people treating him like the freak and a lot of the people he thoguht were his friends WILL turn their backs on him and make him feel like ****. DON"T BE ONE OF THOSE FRIENDS. If you truly wanna help hun, don't try to get him to talk about it, but if does, listen. Don't ask questions, don't answer his questions either- they will most likey be rhetorical anyways and he's not really seeking an answer. Just listen. When people talk about him, defend him! that's what friends do; and I don't mean start fist fights, just speak up and say he didn't want any of this to happen so shut the hell up- you don't kno. And when they bug you about it- because they WILL bug you about it- tell them you are his friend, you have nothing to hide, but they don't need to all up in his business. just walk away!
It's hard, it takes a lot of strngth, but just be there for HIM. Don't talk bad about that woman, just listen and defend when he needs it.
Good luck ya'll.
2007-10-23 21:48:37 · answer #1 · answered by talonz_lady02 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why so shocked? There is a mythology around sex in the western culture... because of the white mans religion, it is seen as "bad" yet no-one can say why. ANd there is also a great deal of hypocrisy too... If a guy goes out bangin', he is cool but when it's a chick, she's a whore...
To answer your question, If he wants to talk about it, let him... the Social Services will MAKE him have counselling (if they're anything like the ones in my country).. You will need to be there for him if he needs a sympathetic ear... DO NOT DARE to judge him and especially don't offer any advice. Just be there and treat him like any ordinary person... in other words, like a human being.
The trouble is that he is gonna be traumatised by the leagal bulldust that will surround the trial, and will have a hard time dealing with the Psychologists and so forth that they are sure to bombard him with. What he will need is a safe haven where he can relax and not worry about anything for a few hours each day. That would be the BEST thing to offer him.
2007-10-24 09:09:21 · answer #2 · answered by kiwibryntoo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your friend will probably not get closure on this, with all the media in on it now. He has become sexually active, and surveys have shown that once you do, you never go back. He has had a life altering experience. It is too bad that he did not just refuse to baby sit for this woman any more. This woman was of course, way out of line and I would certainly not consider her a family friend. You can be a best friend by just listening when needed. But don't expect things to ever be exactly the same again.
2007-10-23 22:45:53 · answer #3 · answered by barefootin 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What your friend needs now is some understanding and heartfelt good company. He doesn't need judgmental people around him. I am sure he feels bad, violated and somehow angry. Just comfort him by listening to him (if he wants to talk); entertain him or finds ways to keep his mind away from the traumatic experience (such as going to a movie, playing at the park, play station, etc.). If he is religious - then encourage him to pray or go to church. Sometimes going to a holy place, eases our pain and troubles. It gives us a sense of peace and security. His parents or the authorities might have questioned him already - what he doesn't need from you is initiating a conversation about the whole incident again.
He needs healing and closure for him to move on. He has to know that its not his fault and he is not to be blamed. He needs assurances that he may be physically molested BUT he is still special and very loved.
My heartaches for your friend - I really hope his parents would consider sending him to some counseling.
2007-10-23 21:43:12 · answer #4 · answered by addicted too 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Treat him no different from how you treated him before. That is what he need from you and everyone else at this point in time. Don't press him to talk about it, if and when he's ready he will.
His world as he knows it is already in chaos to make matters worse people he did want to know found out, that is really embarrassing for him. Hope things get better for your friend as time goes on. Good Luck
2007-10-24 01:34:06 · answer #5 · answered by tara w 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok, first off if your guy friend didn't want any of his friends to know, then why on this green earth are you writing about this?? Second, if your friend never actually told you he was molested, but you "found out," i really think if you tried to comfort him he would get really pissed at you for getting all up in his business. Or i would anyways. You should not treat him. Let his parents take care of everything. And stop brown nosing into peoples business.
2007-10-23 21:34:43 · answer #6 · answered by mellogirl89 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
he needs a sort of self closure
encourage him to take up some type of art as a way of self expression, art is a great way to display your feelings without really telling anyone about them. Even if other people can not read the art correctly at least he would have some way of putting his ideas out there and possibly relieve some of the stress
2007-10-23 21:39:17 · answer #7 · answered by Sir Doc 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
to be honest, i dun really know..
i wud think he'd be really embarrassed, which is why he didn't want anyone to find out in the first place..
i think it really depends on your friend's personality and his outlook on things...
if he's shy and stuff..
u can choose to forget about the problem and treat him like u wud normally treat him before, he wud still know that u know, but that saves a bit of embarrassment.. i think..
if he's the kind of guy who can take a joke..
u might be able to make a joke out of it..
cuz most of my friends actually talk abt sex openly everyday.. mostly guys... but i duno abt 14-year-olds... they're more like 17 going on 18..
ok, i duno if im helping..
but i wish you the ~best of luck~
u might have a better chance look thru some forums abt helping victims heal and stuff..
all the best~
2007-10-23 21:39:26 · answer #8 · answered by Serenity C 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just treat him the way you always have and don't bring up the subject unless he does. The best thing for him right now is to forget it ever happened, as best as he can. If it is really worrying him perhaps it could be suggested to his parents that he see a counselor.
2007-10-23 21:40:43 · answer #9 · answered by Alwyn C 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he may need to talk to someone to help him get through this, all you can do for him is be there for him when he needs to talk or just need someone to be there that all you can do. it will take time for him to heal and it is going to be hard but he will be fine if he has the support that he needs. Keep doing what you are doing you seem like a good friend.
2007-10-23 21:38:09 · answer #10 · answered by sweetonne22 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋