been with my bf for almost 3 years (will be 3 in Feb). we have wonderfully loving relationship but it's had ups and downs due to me being diagnosed w/PMDD about 5 months ago (now see a counselor and take meds). we dont live together but i spend all my time w/out my 3 daughters at his house. he's 29 no kids, never married and i'm 28 w/3 girls from previous marriage.
he loves my kids (sees them at least once a week) and we are VERY close. have discussed moving in and living together but he says things have to fall into place and can't be rushed.
we are seeing my counselor together tomorrow and she asked us to answer 2 questions but not show each other the answers. well i emailed him the questions so he wouldn't lose them and he accidently emailed me his answers!! pls read rest...
2007-10-23 19:59:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
5 minutes ago - 3 days left to answer.
Additional Details
2 minutes ago
his answers were
1. what things need to change/happen in order for relationship to work? he said-for us to stop arguing over little things (him puttin my hair clips,shoes,clothes away in his house when i leave them out) and he feels he's being pushed to go faster than he's ready to go.
2. where do you see this relationship heading? he said-Goal is to move in together and get married. also said that he feels like the last year we've gone sideways or backwards due to all of our arguing.
i've gotten upset in the past when he's moved my stuff in the house b/c i feel like if i'm there most of the time then y does it matter that my stuff is out? and NO he's not cheating-our pictures are all over the walls and countertops
what should i do?! i get a sense from his answers that if we stopped arguing over little things then us living together and being married would happen sooner..should i press a timeline?
2007-10-23 20:01:02 · update #1
I DON'T LEAVE MY KIDS BEHIND TO GO SEE HIM!! when my girls are with their father is when i'm at my bf's house alone-otherwise the girls are there too.
2007-10-23 20:12:38 · update #2
It sounds like exactly what he said-you're pushing him faster than he wants to go, but eventually he wants to get married. I wouldn't stress about putting a timeline on marriage-just focus on making your relationship the best it can be.
My husband and I were together 4 1/2 years and had a 3 year old together before we got married-not because he didn't love me or our son, or because he didn't want to get married, but just because he wasn't ready. Give your guy time. If you are going to get married and be together for the rest of your life, what's the difference if you wait a while longer?
2007-10-23 21:16:35 · answer #1 · answered by lovelymrsm 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hun you have your answers (actually his) right there. I mean stop and think about it. You keep pressing him to get married and in his answers he is clearly showing you that he can't stand it. Men need to do things in their own time. They can't be forced to do them. So the more you keep pushing the more he is going to be like, "I can't handle this and we should just break up". I know its a mean thing to say, but again you have seen his answers. You know what he is feeling here. Its not something he is likely to make up. So I say relax on the wedding part of things. I mean you two aren't even moved in yet and you want to put the carriage before the horse. Which would likely cause more problems and give you a second divorce.
As for the issue about leaving your things out, I say even though you do stay over at times, you still should put your things away in a place he has let you use. I mean he could be a neat freak or into always keeping his place clean. But when you come over, and leave your stuff out it probably makes him more tired putting it all away where it needs to go. So easy fix on this when you take your stuff out put it back where it belongs before you leave.
And as for the arguments, you both have to stop and take a deep breath and ask yourself is this fight really necessary? Because if it is not, then you should compromise until there is a mutual solution. As I see it the last thing that should be on your mind is getting married. Because first you have to take care of these issues first. I mean he clearly has not said anything at all about breaking up with you yet. But if you keep things up it could be a definite possibility of that happening. And the end goal here is to still get married. So I say take this valuable time you both have not being married to work on your issues ahead of time, so things can go much more smoothly after you get married. And learning to put your stuff away isn't all that hard to do either. Good luck and be paitent and understanding as possible and work on what is going on. I'm sure you will get the results you want in due time.
2007-10-23 20:17:55 · answer #2 · answered by Cursed_Romantic 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe not because you've invested 3 years already. If I were you, I would not move in with him until the wedding occurs. He sounds like a neatfreak and can't stand any thing out of place! It's not fun. Arguing is not fun either - if you can't get it under control before the wedding, I don't think you will after. Also, ask your counselor if taking a vacation without him or get some new interests like a class or hobby or new friends might be a good idea so he can miss you. If he doesn't miss you, get rid of him. To Stop The Arguing: you're going to have to agree with him and tell him he's right like "you're right, you can't trust me" or you're right the place is a mess." But who can stand living like that. Sometimes I just keep on quilting! It helps me.
2007-10-23 20:27:20 · answer #3 · answered by frillyfroofroo 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You asked him to see a counselor and he agreed, that is a point in your favor (or in favor of the relationship making it the long haul), you sent him the two questions he was supposed to answer and he did so, HONESTLY. You cannot fault him for that. If you don't like the answers you have to know that when you read someone else's personal and private thoughts there is a chance you will get hurt or the words will sting. Should you have read his answers???NO!!!!!!! would I have done the very same thing in your situation?? Probably, but I am not proud of that either. You have a legitimate reason for reading, you have a lot invested in this relationship and his answers could possibly give you some insight into whethe ror not he sees you in his future. You obviously have a trust issue and a communication issue. It seems to me that he is giving you all that he has to offer right now and he is being honest about it. He is not misleading you, nor lying to you so I think you can save this relatiosnhiip but you are going to have to back off and give him the time and space he needs. If you continue to pressure him it will only lead him in the other direction, which is were you appear to have been headed this past year.
He has many things to consider before commiting to marriage with you. He not only gets you but a ready made built in family. This is a lot fore man men to take on. The fact that he is willing to discuss it, see a couselor tellls me that he cares about you and your daughters. My duggestion is that you back off, quit talking baout marriage. Let our relationship naturally go back to how it was when he was first drawn to you. You need to make him feel like once you get married he will be loved, not nagged or pushed or pressured all the time. let him see the you he fell in love with. be fun to be around. men get tired of being with a woman who always brings up marriage
On the other side, you ahve you and your girls to think about. You do not want them to get any more attatched to him if this is headed no where. I say back off for a good six months, have fun make each other laugh, let him rememebr why he fell in love with you. In 6 months if he has not brought up the subject, you should then tell him that you are not giving him an ultimatum but that for the sake of your kids and your own self worth you think you have the right to knwo if the relationship is any better than it was and if so if it is headed towards marriage. tell hime you are not asking for a commitment now but simply the courtesy of letting you know if you are even on the same page. tell him how much you love him, but that for your own self preservation and for your kids you need to know whether or not he sees the tow o9f you getting married in the next year or so.. if he still cannot answer you with a yes, then you have done all you can do and you are wasting precious tiem with him, as much as it may hurt be prepared to leave. men often do not even realize what or whom they want until they see it slipping away, BUT DO NOT DO IT NOW
2007-10-23 20:22:32 · answer #4 · answered by dreamwhip 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He just might not like the clutter laying around. It drives my husband nuts when I leave the news paper and things around. He thinks that it looks sloppy. He thinks that you are going to live together and get married. He is worried because you fight too much. That is not a bad thing. When you live together and bring the kids into the mix there will be problems and disagreements. He just wants to know that you are going to make it. He is thinking if we fight like this now what will happen then? I don't think that his concerns are a deal breaker. He is thinking logically. It might be hard to hear, it always is. The good thing is that you know what he is thinking and you can work on fixing it. Put your stuff away and stop pressuring him. It might work wonders. I hope things work out for you.
2007-10-23 20:47:50 · answer #5 · answered by kim h 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Two things you must do: 1st, stop trying to prove him wrong. Love him for who he is. Accept his decisions. If you have grouse to settle with them, take time to work out an approach that ensures his respect remains intact. 2nd, he talks about not being rushed, things falling into place, stuffs like that. This man may be a very reasonable man. So try to get his clear picture of things falling into place. May be you can assist him in getting to the state of affairs he is imagining as ideal before marriage. Make greater effort to understand this man; he sounds very reasonable and committed, but probably taciturn also. Therefore, take pressure off him. Relax him and lure him into the mood to talk more; then do more listening than talking. You will succeed.
2007-10-23 20:45:50 · answer #6 · answered by Nolly 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can tell you from my personal experiences that you really need to wait until the right one comes along, and I just don't think he's the one. After my first (and last) divorce, I waited 21 yrs to remarry. We dated for 5 yrs, with goals of getting his daughters out of college and then we settled down together. You can't really put a time frame on it. And trust me, marriage is really not all that it's cracked up to be. You are still very young. Put all of your focus on your daughters; they need you. You don't really need a man in your ife right now. From what you have said, things will not improve with marriage. And that first year of marriage is the hardest; it certainly was for me and I'm grown up. Chill out and don't push too much. Is this a very serious disease you have been diagnosed with? That may be giving him some second thoughts.. Good luck to you.
2007-10-23 20:31:29 · answer #7 · answered by Peggy S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look, when he was writing the answers, he wrote "the goal is to get married". Love is not a goal, merrage is not a goal; it's more than that. From what I am understanding from your writing, you seem to be arguing for simple stuff; I know, it's understandable, we are girls and we do get upset when the guys don't put effort, but trust me pushing it will make him only go away. I know myself that no matter how much I like/love someone, if too much is too much, I will try to get away from it.
Another thing is your daughters. You said that he loves them but you spend all of your time in his house? How is that showing that he loves them and that you care about your daughters if you leave them for him???
2007-10-23 20:10:09 · answer #8 · answered by ^Blue Rose^ 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he just puts your stuff away cuz he doesn't like things laying out. A lot of guys are like that.
It sounds like he has plans for the relationship to go to the next level, but it's not gonna happen until he is comfortable and ready with it.
Start picking your battles more wisely. Some things just really aren't worth an arguement. Work on compromise and trying to see things from each other's point of view. And whatever you do, don't judge him or his actions by what's happened to you in your past.
Let nature take it's course cuz it sounds like you're on the right track, just gotta work out those little bumps in the road. Guys that accept and love the kids are hard to find. Count your blessings. Good luck to ya!
2007-10-23 20:07:48 · answer #9 · answered by classic1957gal 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Some men take more time than others to get into a commitment such as marriage. If he is worth waiting for, then wait for him. Especially if he is the only man you want to be with, then what's the rush. If you are questioning the strength of your relationship without marriage, then I would get out of it. Otherwise, stick it out. Good things don't come suddenly, sometimes it takes a litte bit of giving.
Plus, when he decides to propose (if he does) It will be even more surprising, exciting, and special.
2007-10-23 20:51:09 · answer #10 · answered by abcdefghijklmnop 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋