She fell in love with a happily married classmate and they met in a remote resort and none of them informed their respective spouses.Neither his wife nor me know of their secret email correspondence till I found her passionate love letter.He cut off this relation later though she contacted him on phone.When I contacted him he said it was only a frienship and that he did not know she was loving him till I told him.She even dragged me to a lawyer but refused to give divorce as she never thought of it anytime of her life, even during the affair though the letter suggests otherwise.Now she asks me to forgive her and I feel she loves me now.But she gets so wild and disrespectful sometimes that I wonder whether my life with her is worth so much pain and insult except for two wonderful kids who we love very much.For the past 9 months,she has been very nice to me and I am also beginning to love and respect her unlike in the past.She asks me to trust her and never bring this up as she lovesme
2007-10-23 19:27:39 · 23 answers · asked by havah 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am overwhelmed with the response from so many and I want to thank each of you individually.Though each answer is unique in its own way the common thread of care and concern running through all the answers has forced me not to select the best answer as it may mean ignoring somebody's equally good answer.I liked all the answers,right from Dalton who felt as did when i first knew of this,Axesurge's anger,Dr.Dave's caution,Mel's advice on wooing her back,bruabby's word on forgiving her,Tranquil's,Knobsone's view on how the pain still lingers on,Passion's real story of his son,Confuse's reflection on human fraility,Vallie's advice to seek divine help,miriahst's word on honesty,lilrun's suggestion on how hatred consumes inside out,Al's hope that we could be happy in future,Ronit saying she is part of myself,Sha B asking me to be kind and good,N2dfrig's similar agony as mine and a few more I forgot mention, all moved me one way or the other.But Iiked Gauffsa,Dan E and James R the most.
2007-10-24 21:04:43 · update #1
You are right! Life would be great if you really could forgive, but I recommend some counseling for you both. It is easy for her to not want to talk about it because she is the one who caused this, but until you get the answers you need from her it will be diffucult to trust and you will always wonder if she will do it again. Staying together because of the children that you share and love is great but after they grow up you still have to have a bond with your spouse other than them.. I did the same thing that she did and I'm not proud of it but it was the fact that we had nothing in common at all besides the kids and we were total strangers without them, so he pushed me away not knowing or even caring that I might find someone else. But after 25 years of marriage he would not forgive.
I hope you can truly forgive and let it go for your own sake, it's not healthy to hold those feelings inside. You just might end up with a stronger marriage because of this. Good Luck
2007-10-23 19:55:03 · answer #1 · answered by lilrunaway45 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A situation like this is just far too complicated to get a truly satisfactory answer here, but I will try my best. I am so very sorry for your situation, and I feel for BOTH of you.
Years ago, in my youth, I could never understand why a person would cheat. Then I believed they could--but that they never deserved forgiveness. As I have lived, I have come to realize that people DO make mistakes--even that kind. And people CAN learn from them, and never repeat them.
However, cheating is often the symptom of a problem, rather than the problem itself, and it sounds like this may not be an exception here with you and your wife. She has been "wild and disrespectful" to you, and I have no doubt that most likely, there has been fault (at least reason that she perceives) on your side as well. Point being, until the two of you can seek help and resolve these issues between you two, there is really no hope for true and lasting reconcilliation, let alone happiness.
It sounds like you two have something worth working toward. You have a beautiful family of two children you both love. And now, you said there is even some peace between you two. I will never say that cheating is a solution to anything, but again, perhaps it was the "symptom" needed to get the "disease" addressed.
Please proceed carefully and consider professional help for you as a couple, as well as possibly for each of you individually. What has happened (the affair) as well as what lead up to it didn't just disappear and needs to be dealt with.
It sounds like you have a strong foundation upon which to work, however, and with devotion and time, I believe you have a good chance of succeeding. Nothing good comes without sacrifice or toil, and love is no exception. I wish you both the very best and my heart goes out to you.
2007-10-23 19:40:34 · answer #2 · answered by Gauffsa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you should get counseling to talk this through with a third person because it may have been a one time thing for her and the classmate and due to the fact that they were close during the classes. In that case, if she is indeed sorry, It would be a shame to throw away many years of future happiness for a mistake in the past. On the other hand, if she does get wild and disrespectful, it is better you discover that in counseling because there may be something in her past to cause that - the way her parents were, for example, or you may find she feels there is something missing in the relationship you are not even aware of and can supply. If you have been happy for the 9 months since the affair I would explore every avenue before taking the extreme path of divorce because the happiness could extend far into the future. Good luck to you and I hope the two of you can work this out.
2007-10-23 20:00:04 · answer #3 · answered by Al B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nothing hurts as much as finding out that everything that you worked for was a lie, that your spouse could actually love someone else, could be with someone else. The visions whether from them or your own mind make you sick and can drive you crazy. I think that if people could actually experience what this feels like, infidelity would only exist for the most callous of people - male or female.
I understand your state...try 19 yrs of marriage down the tubes and she can't remember a thing of who, what, when, why, or how. Just enough to mess your mind up. It's amazing just how stupid people can be in these matters. No thought of consequences, health, family, nothing...just the thrill. I am still trying to work through mine after knowing for sure the past 16 mths. Though I have finally forgiven her, I still have trouble looking at her. I love her dearly but it just ain't the same now. We are basically starting all over.
Again, SHE will have to earn the trust back by building one day at a time on her willingness to prove herself. Both of you must communicate your true feelings to each other to get through this problem, if the both of you truly want it to have a chance to heal and grow. It will not be easy. She will falter when you bring it up, needing to talk, but it is not about her...its about you. SHE is the one who failed and YOU are the one that needs understanding and closure. NEVER BLAME YOURSELF...YOU ARE NOT THE ONE THAT STRAYED!
Hopefully, eventually, things can be rebuilt and made even stronger. But understand, it may not. Be willing to remain civil and do what is best for all involved...you and the children. It is great for families to be together and in most cases necessary, but growing up in a home where no real love exists between the parents can be detrimental to the children as well. I wish you well and stay strong.
2007-10-23 20:22:37 · answer #4 · answered by n2dfyrigo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As a formal cheater myself. (not proud of it tho) What is going on in your relationship right is that she is realizing how much she loves you and what you have to offer the relationship.
When I was cheating on my girlfriend my relatioship with my girlfriend acually imporoved. I wanted to do things for her and show her how much I cared for her. SHe never found out about it cause I was carefull. She was happy and so was I. When I almost got caught I broke it off with the other girl and Continued my relationship as if nothing happened.
People don't appreciate what they have untill it is gone. Your wife I believe is in this state. She appreciates that your giving it a shot. That you consider her a part of not just your life but your family's life. Which she is, and always will be.
People make mistakes. To what degree will change from person to person. Your wife made the biggest mistake of her life and she probably will regret it forever. And people learn from their mistakes. Will your wife cheat again? Maybe. Should you forgive her? She is your wife. You married her for a reason. Remember, this isn't easy for her either. Being there for her through this would make your relationship better than it ever was.
But remember mistakes don't happen twice. You have to be straight up with her and tell her your concerns. Tell her what will happen if she even entertains the idea of being alone with another man. Cause if it happens once it can happen again.
But you love your wife, that is why you are asking here. And she loves you. And your kids love you both. I would try as a family to make it work. Through honost communication and support.
2007-10-23 19:41:14 · answer #5 · answered by Dan E 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In my opinion you would be better just ending it now. Your life will be filled with nothing but heart ache and disappointment if you were to stay with her..... I'm sure that she had no problem carrying on with this other guy and then coming home to you and acting like nothing was wrong.... this shows that she wasn't feeling guilty as long as you didn't find out.... people like this are only sorry after being caught.... I'm sure she is thinking next time she will be more careful.... I would bet money that there will be a next time.
Sorry had to add something here.... if I have to read stay for the sake of the children one more time from people offering bad advice I will scream. Staying in a relationship that is toxic or where the parents are not in a loving relationship causes the children much more harm than good. It is better for the children to be raised by a loving and nurturing single parent then by 2 parents that have marital problems that the child has to see.
2007-10-23 19:35:48 · answer #6 · answered by DavidV 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Here's the thing..Does she show signs of being sorry and repentent ?
Does she get upset if you want to check her whereabouts ?
Does she tell you where shes going after work/school, with details ?
Women give their body mostly due to emotional attachment, as temporal as it may be. So it's not the sex, its the closeness that the sex brings at that moment.
Marriage is a wonderful thing. Hard/challenging/ as it may be, it is also what makes a man...a man. Any male could justly exit now. But a Man, loving his Wife and Kids is willing to move on, -wisely- of course.
If she is understanding of you being hurt and dedicated to preserving the marriage, tough it out and do what it takes to make it better. Your kids are worth it.
If she does not understand your position of untrust, find a counselor if she's willing. If she's not, keep your eyes open until your comfortable with her willingness to be steadfast for you(and the kids).
Take walks, bowling, hiking....Anything that allows you both to enjoy extented time outside the home with each other.
-Jim
2007-10-23 19:57:02 · answer #7 · answered by James R 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Things like this do not just go away, it is best to face up to them. Counseling may be one way to do this if you are both willing to do it. When something like this happens, the person in the relationship that wandered, needs to do one of the hardest things humanly possible (and it takes a very very strong and brave person to do it!)... admit it happened, figure out why it happened, try to correct the cause of why it happened, get help so there is less chance of it happening again, forgive yourself, and move on. The forgiving yourself is the hardest part next to owning up to actually having done anything. It's kind of like being caught going through your mom's purse when your little (even though that seems like small potatoes to us as adults, it is a big betrayal as a child) - you deny it and deny it even though you know you did it, your mom knows you did it, and you know you shouldn't have done it, and you probably won't do it again.... you don't WANT to admit to having done it. But as an adult the responsible, mature thing to do is to admit that the act was wrong and to get on with life instead of dwelling on it by the very act of omission.
2007-10-23 19:50:19 · answer #8 · answered by miriahstevens 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lots of feelings involved with such things. Not happy feelings.
I guess you have many doubts about your part in it. It takes two to tango.
We all make mistakes, some are hard to fix than others.
This one can be fixed.
If we learn from our mistakes, we are better people. When you forgive her, you give her the permission to learn from her mistakes and also take some of the responsibility that there was something missing in your relationship that made her do that.
when you forgive, you are not saying it is OK, you are saying I understand that in every relationship we give and take and I'm committed to give and take and work on it forever. Love is a great healer, if you allow it to be.
Go for some coaching to allow you to be confident about the relationship.
And forgive her, because after all you forgive a part of yourself.
All the best
Ronit
http://www.behappyinlife.com/relationshipcoaching.php
2007-10-23 20:13:06 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Only you can decide what to do. You know if you love her and want to make it work. But one thing I will warn you about, is that you will never forget what happened. It will always been in the back of your mind. People will usually bring this up when having a disagreement about something else. I know my son went thru the same thing and they are struggling. I told them if would be hard. You and only you can decide if you can live with what happened and not make yourself and her and your whole family miserable for the rest of your lives together. Good Luck Hope you can be happy
2007-10-23 19:58:28 · answer #10 · answered by passionannie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋