No Man? No Problem! Would you "Knock Yourself Up by Choice?" Why or why not?

Question

Denise Sloan decided she wanted to have kids, even though she was single, so she researched the safe way to get the job done and wrote a book about it called "Knock Yourself Up--The Tell-All Guide to Becoming a Single Mom". She wrote about over 40 other single women who did the same thing:
http://www.knockyourselfup.com/Home.html

If you don't agree, please don't tell me your religious reasons since I'm agnostic. I know, I'm hot-flashing now in preparation for the fiery pits. Also, don't tell me your reason is because the kid will be screwed up having a single parent, since plenty of people are screwed up and have two parents, ok? Get original about the reasons, entertain us, don't bore us.

btw: I thought it was interesting, since it use to be so taboo. I was brought up when pregnant teens were married off or sent to a home for unwed mothers. I'm 49 and never had a child on my own or with a partner.

Answer 1

I'm surprised how quickly this discussion became about money. It's like you have to buy the right to your own privacy and decisions. Also, I'd also like to point out that adopting (if you want a baby, anyway) is also expensive.

I think the basic question here is, "Why does anyone have a baby?" That answer is going to be different for everyone, married or single, and being married is no guarantee that the reasons aren't selfish. I know lots of couples who act as though their kids are commodities and who compete through their kids.

I have always questioned the idea of "role models." Just because you have children, that doesn't mean they are going to choose you as their role model. The truth is that children have minds of their own, and having one or two parents isn't going to change that.

Also, the two-parent family has not ever been the norm. Even in 1970 only 40% of households consisted of two parents and children (now it's less than a quarter). And during colonial times, something like 2/3 of children in coastal Virginia grew up with at least one stepparent. We'd all like to think Mom, Dad, Wally and the Beaver are the picture of a family, but they aren't.

All that being said, I'm a full-time mom of three (don't worry, I'm not vacuuming in pearls and heels!). I had my first child when I was 31, when I was financially secure, in a stable relationship, emotionally mature (well, mostly), and smart enough to be a good parent. If I'd had all that and was also single? I think I'd have had at least one kid by myself--but I'd move a lot closer to my family.

Answer 2

Would I? I honestly don't know, since I did find the right guy at a young age and had kids with him. However, there are some things to consider:

The child will not be fully raised by family members, unless Grandma is the babysitter. That's one big drawback.

The child will not have a father, of course. That's a MAJOR drawback. However, he/she is never going to be *abandoned* by a father, assuming the mom stays single. That's one good point. Better to have a father die or never exist than to have a father choose to walk away, IMHO.

But here's the kicker: if you can't handle a long term relationship, how can you handle a child? Marriage is about patience, compromise, growing together, and maturing. Parenting is that times ten. It's OK that a person hasn't found the right guy (or girl). They aren't a bad person or anything, and probably have plenty of love to give a child. But perhaps she should adopt a child who's already here or try fostering. Honestly, if you are so picky, particular, and let's be honest, difficult to please, that you can't make a relationship work out - you have no business subjecting a child to those qualities. Parenting is a relationship, and you need relationship skills in spades!

My thoughts? There are lots of good reasons to do things the "regular" way, and ignoring those reasons is unwise. If she feels confident that she can overcome those negatives for her child, and has no real "issues" that get in the way of her relationships, then it's worth considering. Mothering is a great experience, however you come by it.

Of course, if *you* were a baby, which would you pick? Being raised by a mom and dad, or by just a mom? Spending hours in a daycare center, or being worn in a baby sling by mom or grandma or even big sister? All else being equal, the answer is pretty easy, IMHO.

Answer 3

I think a woman should do what she wants to do if the situation is right. A few years ago this was taboo. There is an excellent book "Single Mother's by Choice" that describes the pitfalls and triumphs of being a single mother. I think this concept is more widely excepted today yet not embraced. If a woman is financially and emotionally secure to raise a child on her own and has not found the person whom she wants to raise a family with why not a sperm bank? If she chose the wrong father it could be a detriment to the child's life with a father that does not want nor support them. There are so many deadbeat fathers in our country that I am sure many single mothers at one point feel it would have been much easier if they had gone to a sperm bank. As far as the child is concerned a strong female can be an excellent mother on her own. Sure, it will be hard to be mom and dad, but many mother's face this anyway in situations of divorce and abandonment. Not every child raised by a single mother is screwed up. There are many households with a mom and dad that is not functional and the children have problems. While it may not be the ideal choice I feel it is right in certain instances and situations.

Answer 4

Juniper makes a good point about handling a LTR vs. raising a child. I'll add this...why would a woman feel compelled to have a baby alone? Is her life that boring that she feels the desire to have someone depend on her for his/her every need? Is her life so empty and unfullfilled? She doesn't have something else to do with her life? I know, she sees all her peers who are married with kids and feels like she is missing out.

Sure, give me thumbs down if you want, but this is mostly an opinion type question anyway. A woman wanting a baby alone sounds like mostly a selfish reason. She wants a baby because it is all about her, not necessarily about the baby. Raising a child with two committed parents is hard enough. But starting out at the plate without another batter behind you is the tough path. You MUST hit the homerun on your own. Sure, there can be the remote case where she is well suited to raise a child, but there are way more single parent households where life is not all roses.

Answer 5

Are you saying that you do not want to hear religious or sociological reasons why people disagree? There is really nothing else left to disagree on except for finance.

You will have to give a good definition of what "screwed up" is. I would guess that by "screwed up" you mean that the child grows up to be socially inept, unable to form and maintain healthy interpersonal relationships.

I believe that a child who has two loving parents to train and guide him or her has a better chance to develop normally and reach his or her full potential as a human being than a child raised by a single mother. The presence of a father figure in the home is beneficial for both boys and girls. Boys can learn how to grow up to be good men, and girls learn about the kind of man they want to look for in a husband. They can't learn too well from mommy's special friend, the noncommital "Uncle Rick" who sleeps over on occasion.

Bear in mind, I am not saying that a child has no chance of developing normally. Nor am I saying that every child who has two parents in the home will develop normally. I'm sure many people out there have anecdotes of how somebody turned out just fine being raised by a single mother. Certainly being brought up by a loving single mother is preferred to having two parents with an abusive father in the home.

Answer 6

i think when i decide that i am ready to have children, i will do it whether i have a man or not. but ideally i would like to be able to afford a nanny. raising kids is *so* much work.

i think websites like this are great. i really hate the stigma around being a single mom. there is always some idea that the woman either couldn't keep a man, or slept around a lot, or some other rediculous idea. being a single parent is a totally valid family option, and i think websites like this help promote a healthy image for women that chose to form single parent families.

Answer 7

I don't think I would want to do that but I'm not even thinking about a child yet.

I think I can understand a woman who would do it. She didn't find anyone she wants to marry and she is getting older and she really wants a child.

Adoption or being a foster parent is always possible but may be difficult and she may just want to have her own or think she may do better with having a child herself just like most couples who have kids do.

If she can afford it and she really thought about it and researched it and she is realistic about what to expect than she is making a reasonable choice. Maybe not a choice that you or I would make but so what?

Edit: Personally I agree with Juniper except for the marriage part. It is possible to have nothing wrong with you personality and just not get married. I'm sure it is not even unusual..

Answer 8

Back in the 1980's, I had a single friend in her late 30's who was self-sufficient, owned a nice home, worked for Ma Bell as an executive. She gave parenthood a lot of thought, talked with counselors and her family, and had a thorough medical check-up. Then, she made up her mind. She was going to artifically inseminate herself. That was a REALLY progressive idea back then. Shockingly progressive. She obtained screened, donated sperm at a medical fertility facility on the appropriate day and stored it at home per instructions. That night, she had a huge party with dozens of friends and family, went off to a bedroom with her sister, artificially inseminated herself, came back out and everyone whooped. I was absolutely shocked. That simply stunned me back then. Today, if I could live my life all over again, that's exactly what I would do if I wanted to raise a child. What an amazingly together, healthy woman she was. She turned out to be a great mom. The baby's name was Brandon. He became a math wizard.

Answer 9

It's getting harder and harder for 2 parents to raise a family now since prices on foods and supplies are going up. I was reading on Yahoo News the other day about people who live paycheck to paycheck are starting to stretch out their checks from a full week to only 2 days. I think it would be difficult for any single parent (man or woman) to raise a child on their own. It's getting to where both parents are having to have a job and earn a living just to put food on the table. So for financial reasons is why I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't want my child to have to struggle.

Answer 10

I found the wrong guy and settled down to have a small unhappy little family. We're all alright now, but I think it took my leaving him and making a life of my own. (We were both better apart and the kids benefited from that as much as we did.) So I don't buy all the "nuclear family" BS. That's just what it is. People need to make the life that fits them best and not try to fit themselves to a model that does not fit all.

I'm not religious either. I'm atheist. So I'm free to follow a rational train of thought and not follow my "feelings" about god, bejebus, and what the bible says.