been to many marriage counsollors and NO change. Wife has recently admitted she has never really respected or loved me like she should have. She admits and says she is sorry, but after 12 years of living like a roommate...i am done. My girls are 6 and 8 and seem to be ok. (we are seperated now) But i fear how they will grow up in their teens. I am going nuts emotionally and wonder if i should go back into marriage for the kids sake.
My family also has taken sides with my wife and not me cause I am the one initiating the divroce.
2007-10-23 14:38:12 · 22 answers · asked by Jason F 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I stayed for the kids when my wife had an affair 7 years ago...that was the worst mistake of my life not only because she did it again but more because the stress and unhappiness has really affected my girls. It was very difficult to see while it was happening but now that I'm gone and have had the chance to look back on things, I can see it very clearly.
2007-10-23 14:51:15 · answer #1 · answered by Michael C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, you did the right thing in leaving. Children are little sponges. You don't have to argue for them to know that something is wrong with mommy and daddy. A loveless marriage is just as destructive as an angry one. Reason being, is that when your daughters grow up and start getting into relationships of their own, they are going to think the way mom and dad lived was normal, then, they too, will embrace a loveless marriage, and be just as unhappy. The girls will be fine, this is more common than you think.
It's actually your side of the family that concerns me. They shouldn't be taking sides at all. You need to sit them down and explain to them how it's been and how it will affect the girls in the long run if you chose to raise them in this manner. Explain that you hold no ill will, you and the ex aren't bad people, you just didn't have what it takes to have a happy marriage, and that you want that, and she wants that...it just won't be between the two of you. Then point out how their taking sides makes this difficult and you don't want any drama for the sake of the girls. If they care, they'll respect your wishes.
As for you? Honey, the desire to go back is normal. I can't imagine the amount of guilt you are carrying around. But this fades. Focus that time and energy on the girls and making sure they are okay. In time, you'll start to heal too. Just remember that this was 12 years of your life, that is not something you just let go of overnight.
I wish you luck
2007-10-23 21:55:53 · answer #2 · answered by Hollynfaith 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Staying solely for the sake of the children is one of the worst ideas around. Kids are sensitive and when there is no love in a marriage they feel that. It is far better for them to be from a broken home than from a home without love.
The best thing to do is both of you sit down with the girls and explain to them that it is not their fault that you are going to divorce. Kids always feel that a divorce is because they did something wrong so you have to let them know that is not the case. You also have to let them know how much you love them and that both of you will be there for them. Show the kids as much if not more love and attention now than you did when you were together.
It's tough but kids are resiliant and will get over the divorce as long as they are shown and told how important they both still are to you.
Families will get over it hopefully. They don't see or know everything that happens at your home when they are not around. You both also need to explain to the families what and why things are happening. It may not solve all the problems but at least you can get your self respect back.
2007-10-23 21:52:17 · answer #3 · answered by Cliff R 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, you should not stay in a marriage only for the kids. First and foremost a marriage is simply a covenant between a female and male under God! I don't know if you are in keyed to our father God but I can truly inform you you are most certainly not having counsel sessions with the ultimate highest counselor! He can turn any situation around no matter how it looks. For the bible clearly states if the unbeliever in the marriage leaves let them. If you decide to go back for the kids sake then you will not have a marriage but a living arrangement;
which would end up back at the same point. I t sounds as if you need to seek counsel alone for your sake allow God to work on you! then every thing else will fall in line!!!!! If it is the will of God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God equips children to have the will to be able to handle any and everything.
2007-10-23 23:10:03 · answer #4 · answered by Mrs.Tricey 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Only YOU can make the right decision. I do not think that people should stay married 'for the sake of the kids'. The kids will adjust--they are much more resilient than we ever give them credit for. If you're concerned about how your girls will handle it, then look for a class oriented just for children. A good one is ''divorce care for kids'' (check the local churches or library to find out if they are offered in your area) I went through the same thing---trying to decide what was best. You need to ask yourself: what is more important? Staying in a marriage where there is no love, and/or no respect? Or letting your children see both of you as 2 happy single people instead of in a miserable, unhappy, marriage? Good luck in whatever you decide
2007-10-23 21:54:00 · answer #5 · answered by laffngrl2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since you are emotionally and physically separated from your wife, why would you want to stay in the marriage ?
You have to start focussing on how to be a good dad for your girls.
This is a very difficlut phase (having been through it) and we all go through a lot of those emotinal times when we want to do what our emotions lean us towards, which may not be the best decision.
You need to build a strong group of support around yourself and start taking care of yourself.
You will do a good job with being a great dad, when you are fit, physically and emotionally. So, start working towards taking care of yourself, one step at a time, one day at a time.
Everything will be OK. Dont loose heart.
2007-10-23 21:46:33 · answer #6 · answered by Romi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are willing to sacrigice in such a way than I salute you, But just to say... if you and your wife spend it argueing and fighting then I suggest you two get a divorce, there is no point in putting your kids through that ordeal, but if you two can play the couple , and both are willing to sacrifice for the kids then you should stay... but you do need the agreement from your wife. It'll be unfair if you worked hard while she takes things for granted... as for your kids. A divorce may disrupt their lifestyle , but this is where you come in and explain it clearly to them... make them know it's not their fault and all.... no matter what you do, your kids will grow and face hardship no matter how you try to protect them
2007-10-23 22:25:39 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would not stay for the kids. They know more than you think they do. They are not happy if you are not happy. The know when there is tension. Do not let your family bully you into doing anything that you do not want. They do not have to live your life. They will get over it. I am sure that you do not agree with everything that they do but they don't consult you do they? I would tell the kids that you love them even though you no longer live together. Things will take care of themselves. Good luck.
2007-10-23 21:51:35 · answer #8 · answered by kim h 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, i think that listening to my parents fight all the time would be harder than living with a divorce. there are many marriages who have come into the state of divorce, so you're not the only one. you need to find someone who you truly love. i have seen many of your other questions that have to do with the same situation, and it seems like you're really trying to stay with your wife. the way i see it, the blame should be on your wife's side because she admitted that she never truly loved you. as long as your (ex) wife and you stay friends, everything will work out ok.
2007-10-24 08:48:31 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, I don't think you should stay in a unhappy marriage for the kids. I understand tat you want to be there for your kids, but if things are not going right it's not fair for the kids because they know when somethings wrong. Just explain to them that you tryed to work it out, assure them that no matter what that you will always be there for them no matter what. Let them know that it's not there fault and that you love them, just continue to do that they will understand. They will grow up to be just fine, just stay in there lives as much as possible.
2007-10-23 21:50:48 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋