English Deutsch Français Italiano Español Português 繁體中文 Bahasa Indonesia Tiếng Việt ภาษาไทย
All categories

So my husband has never hit me in 8 years. Good thing too, because he is 13 inches taller and 125 pounds heavier than me. He's just cranky and a yeller.

Yes, I've asked him for counseling. He replied "F--- you, go yourself." He can be sweet and fun, and then he tells me to "shut the hell up" so he can watch TV in peace.

*shrugs* I give up. Suggestions, anyone? By now I'm happy when one of us is at work and out of the house. We have small children.

2007-10-23 12:50:46 · 32 answers · asked by Rapunzel XVIII 5 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

32 answers

That sounds like abuse to me. If you do not want your children to grow to become abusers themselves, you need to change some things.

Start by seeking help from groups that specialize in helping women in abusive relationships.

I need more information to help you more specifically. If you like, e-mail me. I Will help with more suggestions.

Otherwise, i will pray for you.

2007-10-23 12:59:35 · answer #1 · answered by box of rain 7 · 4 1

He will never be kind, considerate, loving or anything other than a bully (who could one day become dangerous to you and your children.) Make a safety plan that details what needs to be done to leave him. Save what money you can and put it somewhere where he never looks. Write all of this down, plus detail all the abuse you have put up over the years. Abuse comes in all forms, not just physical. In my case, the bruising healed, the hair grew back, but the psychological abuse remains with you forever and destroys your self-esteem. If your parents live close by, give them your written notes about your escape plans and please write in them that he scares you. However, your parents' place will be the first place he looks, so go to a safe house. Counselors can help, as well as your local police or sheriff's dept. Don't take NO for answer from them. You need to get away and the sooner you do it, the more time you will have to start to heal. And do not think for a minute this is not affecting the children. Look out for them and for yourself.

Good Luck! And I hope he can't get into Yahoo?Answers!!!!

Addendum: after reading the answers, the advice that you confront him about divorce or getting counseling or seeking medical help could just be the catalyst that starts the physical abuse and from what I have read, you won't survive that. My advice is to get far away from him first before you consider your future.

2007-10-23 13:01:57 · answer #2 · answered by nean 4 · 0 1

Small children or no, it's time to go. I'm guessing that Anger Management Problem has other related issues, too. Strongly suggest you seek some sort of women's support network to find a place to discuss the problem and ensure you are able to plot the most effective next steps.

Here's the thing: Mr. Pants has no motivation to change. You and the little ones are the only people with leverage. If you leave, he may seek help. If you don't he won't and the problem will escalate. Anger is an addiction for many but you know all this already, I'm sure.

Bottom line: Leave before he hurts you and the kids.

2007-10-23 12:58:43 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2 1

Just because he hasn't crossed the line and hit you does not mean it isn't abuse. If it's gotten to the point to where you avoid him all together because of his outbursts I'd say there is a very good chance that it is abuse. You tried asking him to go to counseling but he refuses to even consider it, even bursting out at you for even mentioning it suggests that he has no intention of bettering himself or you relationship. It's important to think about the children aslo, does he burst out at them too? Do you really want them growing up in that type of situation? He hasn't hit you as of yet, do you really want to wait around for that day to come? Bad tempers come and go, you can blame it on a bad day. Please don't play and abusive situation off as a bad temper.

2007-10-23 13:15:34 · answer #4 · answered by kajira_viola 1 · 0 0

I would go to a counsellor myself and ask for direction in dealing with this. Obviously his behaviour displays a lack of respect for you regardless of the fun times. Does/did he speak to his mother like this? If not, why should he have less respect for you? If so, then it is more than likely part of his conditioning.
As I said, you need direction on this as you need to consider that familiarity breeds contempt, and if you allow him to continue to get away with his treatment towards you then it is possible that it will progress to more untenable treatment, at least verbally if not physically. Was he like this when he romanced you, or in the early phases of the relationship/marriage? If not, it means he does know how to behave in a civil and respectful manner, only chooses not to do so now.
At all times, demand respect, but also ensure that you are respecting him (i.e. don't interrupt his TV watching without good reason).

2007-10-23 13:04:33 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0 1

I am a gay man with the same problem...minus the kids. I don't know what to do for myself, and your situation is more complicated because of the children.
I am ready to leave, I just don't know how. Maybe in your situation you need to ask him to leave for a while, and come back when you have a few counseling sessions under his belt.
Want to run away together ;)


good luck :)

2007-10-23 12:56:14 · answer #6 · answered by blakeallanmasters 2 · 0 1

Eep... you cannot expect anyone to be always chipper, however, if he is being verbally abusive (telling you to "F- off" is verbally abusive). He might not actually mean to be hurtful to you (some guys are just oblivious to these things). Next time he says something that hurts you, tell him, "That really hurt". Or when you go to sleep for the night, tell him "When you told me to F- off, it really hurt my feelings".

If he won't talk to you, then write him a note like:
"Husband,
We really need to talk. It hurts me a lot when you say, "F- off" or when you said, "_____" to me the other night. You mean a lot to me, and I'd really like to talk to you about this. Some of the things you say really hurt my feelings, and it needs to stop."

If it doesn't stop, then go ahead an schedule an appointment with a marriage counsiller. Tell your husband that you both have an appointment with the counsellor on this date. If your husband doesn't want to come, you should still go. You might be able to learn different ways of dealing with this.

2007-10-23 13:03:48 · answer #7 · answered by miss_j 6 · 0 1

Counseling is a great suggestion.. for you....

It doesn't matter if your husband doesn't go with you... go for you and go for your children. If you are not happy being in the home together I can only imagine the tension that your children must be feeling.

You may be able to make significant positive changes in your relationship with your husband even if he never agrees to go himself... or you might decide its better for you and the children if you and your husband separate... regardless even if you only use the counseling session for venting it could result in positive benefits for your entire family

2007-10-23 13:00:09 · answer #8 · answered by MARSHA G 2 · 1 1

Ummm yeah! It doesn't matter if he isn't willing to get counseling for the Verbal abuse and yelling then you need out of the relationship! If you would rather one of you be at work than around each other then that is here you draw the line!

2007-10-23 12:55:50 · answer #9 · answered by Tina 3 · 2 1

No one can tell you exactly what to do in your situation but just because you don't get hit it doesn't mean that it isnt abuse.
Any time you feel uncomfortable because of him yelling or saying things that shouldn't be said is mental abuse.
I'm not telling you to stay with him or leave him the choice is yours.
Have you talked to him about the way he makes you feel?
Maybe he just don't realize that he makes you feel hurt.
You can talk to friends or relatives, counselors about the situation for more input.
But it is up to you to make the step.

2007-10-23 12:57:53 · answer #10 · answered by mcdspurple 3 · 0 1

Well there is a big THICK line between temper and abuse but I think the best thing to do is to tell him that hes hurting your feelings and that if he's going to talk to you disrespectful so why should you respect him.Or tell him if he can't respect you don't talk to me at all.And just give him the silent treatment and he'll come around soon and want to talk.
GOOG LUCK!

2007-10-23 12:56:01 · answer #11 · answered by CHEER HEAD =) 2 · 0 1

fedest.com, questions and answers