how to reassure my ex boyfriend? guys, i need advice!!!?
my boyfriend of 3 yrs recently dumped me. he is threatened by my independence. he feels emasculated and disrespected by my other male friends and independent life of him. he is 37 and im 25.
im sooo in love with him and love him to death. i would do anything to get him back. its been 15 days since we last spoke to eachother. im deathly afraid of making a wrong move.
if i call him, i dont want him to think that i cant respect his decision or appear "clingy or desperate".
if i dont call him, i dont want him to think i no longer want to be with him or am with someone else
please help me.
confused hopeless romantic
2007-10-23 12:12:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
he is a reasonable man, not totally chauvaunistic. im also willing to compromise, but now what is the next step? do i call him? or respect his definitive decision?
2007-10-23 14:15:43 · update #1
Dont call him. I will tell you first off if he is thrown off by your independence its better you do not continue with him because you will feel that you are only suppose to achieve so much when you are with him. My wife makes alot more money then i do and is much more successful then I am the only way we work well together is being proud of eachother no matter what. find a new man and move on he is not worth it. try to expand your view on things and search for what you want and need. FORGET HIM . you are to be praised for your hard work and effort. keep it up and find a man who will apriciate that.
2007-10-23 12:19:11 · answer #1 · answered by Gubba 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are there guys who are "just friends" with women and see or want nothing more than a platonic friendship? Sure...absolutely there are. Most however have either a secret or obvious desire and guys know that because we're guys. That's just the way it is. So is he a little insecure? Probably, I'm the same way. But I can also say that when I was with my wife, never once did I put myself in a situation where anything could ever develop. Some say that's foolish because you eliminate 50% of the world as a potential friend but on the other hand, you eliminate the possibility of ruining what you have as well as the jealousy and insecurity. And while it's not your job really to solve someone elses insecurity, if you love them why would you want to do something that causes discomfort to them?
So, to answer your question, you need to decide if you love him enough to work through his issues with him. And if that means you don't have guy friends for the time being that's what you need to do. It's really important though if you make that decision that you don't let yourself resent it later because you'll probably find yourself hiding people from him and when he finds out (and he will) he'll think you're having an affair.
Anyway, that's my perspective...from an admittedly somewhat insecure guy who was married to someone who was very independant.
2007-10-23 12:41:56 · answer #2 · answered by Michael C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he is threatened by who you are, does he expect you to change? Personally, if I am successful and happy and someone in my life isn't supportive because they feel bad about themselves they really don't have a place in my life. You need to surround yourself with supportive people. It really seems like he is showing how immature he is. There is a big age difference and this is clearly why he picked such a younger woman, so he could feel powerful. I guess he didn't realize you could have power in the relationship and now he doesn't know what to do. I think seperating for the time being is the best thing to do. He needs to figure out what is important in his life. You shouldn't have to worry about someone being above you all the time. Reminds me of some of the stories from ancient China where no one would stand higher than the emperor.
As for your romantic side, that's great not too many people are very romantic anymore. But you need to put that part of you aside and think logically right now. I know you want to call him and try to tell him you love him and he has made a big mistake, but he just doesn't sound right for you. You deserve someone who has good self esteem and image so he isn't threatened every time something successful happens in your life.
Good Luck.
I think you should read "Break Up: It's called a break up because it's broken." This book talks about all the feelings you have right now and if you really should listen to them or not. I really encourage you to read it. It is really helpful to understand that during a breakup it is important to use that time reflecting about what you really want/need not worrying about what your ex is doing.
2007-10-23 12:29:53 · answer #3 · answered by greyskymourning82 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, the insecurity with your independence is more his issue than yours. He should respect your ability to be that. This may be a bit old fashioned, but when you are with your boyfriend, you may want to keep your male friends at a distance. Even if there is no threat, he may feel one.
I would call him and ask him if he is willing to find solutions and get back together. If so, you both will need to make compromises and learn to that there has to be absolute trust on both sides or it will never work. He may want to see less of your male friends. He may also want you to at least let him think that you need him more.
Just some thoughts. Good luck.
2007-10-23 12:25:03 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
After 3 yrs you should be married.Leave him alone please,I say this for you not him.Guys know after 6 weeks or less if they want to be with you forever.Please stop being the door mat,nobody should be willing to do anything for someone who has not made a commitment to you after 3 years.Do not give your love and attention to a JERK! anymore.No he is not threatened by anything you might do or not do? Because you are the DOOR MAT he has lost respect and love for you...Now listen this is what you are going to do, if he decides he wants you back make sure he understands what your terms are! Tell him dating is over and that you want a ring and a date to be married,if he truly Loves you he will make a commitment to you in an instant.If he is unwilling to meet your terms then it is time to move on and find someone who will...please remember ladies be confident about yourselves, do not be afraid to ASK for what you want in a relationship but be reasonable.
2007-10-23 12:42:10 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your boyfriend must have a lot of pride in him. I guess he is from the old school where men are in charge and women should watch. Your behaviour does not give him good reasons to trust you, don't forget you are 13 years younger then him. He likes what he sees in you, but because you are that much younger then him he is being threatened that your relationship might not last if you were to meet someone younger. I don't think he likes showing you off in case some other puts his eye on you. You need to re-assure him that you love him very very much and that he is the only one for you and no one else could get between you.
2007-10-23 12:31:58 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
How would you feel if he had a bunch of other female friends? He doesn't feel that you respect him simply because you don't. He let you know what was bothering him and instead you relate that to emasculation? You need a wake-up call. It's not about emasculation, would him hanging out with a bunch of friends that are girls effeminize you? Of course not, it has nothing to do with gender roles. It has to do with you and your boyfriend and the trust issues he is having regarding all of your male friends. You made your choice and frankly related it to something that had nothing to do with his decision, a complete oversight.
Christopher: You relate a guy not wanting his girlfriend to hang out with a ton of guys to your wife making more money than you? It's obvious why she does you are a dolt and a half. Two completely different issues, and frankly caused by two seperate things her situation 1) jealousy and trust, yours 2) Gender Roles
2007-10-23 12:19:50 · answer #7 · answered by jay k 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No man in his right mind wants a wife who spends time alone with her "guy friends" who are hanging around hoping to "get some".
A single guy doesnt hang out with a girl who is in a serious relationship unless there is SOME romantic interest at some level.
This is flattering to most women to have a string of guys showering her with attention while her b/f is busy, but people who have common sense know that if you rub 2 sticks together long enough you WILL get a fire.And "I'm sorry doesnt undo the destruction the fire caused, especially after being warned beforehand.
The only way you can work this out (you said you'd doANYTHING) is for you to tell your guy firends you can only see them while he is there,and it'd be best if they brought a girl with them.
You are straining his trust by doing otherwise.
2007-10-23 12:19:48 · answer #8 · answered by Joe F 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is not threatened by your independence. He dumped you because you do not respect him! If you are around men that disrespect him - then YOU are disrespecting him.
He did the right thing!
Why, ms romantic, would you hang around with male friends who "emasculate and disrespect" any human being - let alone the love of your life?
If you are at all serious about him you would have seen this.
My recommendation is that you shack up with one of the emasculators or disrespectors if you haven't already.
2007-10-23 12:54:27 · answer #9 · answered by thwack 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'd let him know that I missed him. And that I loved him.
Maybe you should be less "clingy" to your other male friends if you truely love this guy!
Does it bother you for him to have alot of female friends?
Call him!
2007-10-23 12:32:42 · answer #10 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋