i love my husband, we have been married for nearly seven years now. we have two great kids but we don't get intimate anymore. We rarely say I love you. Most of the time I get a peck on the lips there isn't any passion. My husband looks at porn every now and then. Sometimes it makes me feel so robbed, because he could be intimate with me but he just doesn't. It's not atleast from my side a lack of wanting it. I am almost always in the mood. We have only done it maybe five times since may of this year. We don't really talk except about stupid little things, and he just seems really unhappy. I've become very unhappy and very lonely. I wouldn't ever even consider cheating because I don't honestly believe in it. I'm not so miserable that I'm looking for something else it's just sometimes I think about leaving and being alone. He isn't a terrible person. He has been a good husband to me. He won't even admit to being happy with me. He says he still loves me, but it's his actions that seem off
2007-10-23 11:16:06 · 16 answers · asked by beautiful tragedy 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
i'm honestly not against him looking at porn, i really don't have a problem with it, it's just sometimes I feel a little jealous that instead of spending intimate time with me, he is looking else where. He isn't cheating, I pretty much know where he is most of the time, when he isn't working he is with me. I feel so alone sometimes, like I'm all by myself in this. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't even want to try in our marriage. It's like he is so comfortable that he trusts me full heartedly. I haven't ever cheated so i dont know maybe thats why. But still I am completely miserable.
Anyone have some suggestions or some advice because i feel so lost. I want to leave sometimes, but all I really want is to feel loved.
I haven't even thought about cheating on him but I have thought about leaving and getting my own place even if its just for a few months. I just don't know how to say goodbye.
2007-10-23 11:20:11 · update #1
"he wont even admit to NOT being happy with me" sorry for the typo
2007-10-23 11:21:45 · update #2
My guess is that you haven't talked to him about all this. If/when you do, don't accuse him. Don't say how you are so miserable because of his actions... or lack of affection.. or whatever. You will just start the conversation and end up in a fight w/him not listening to your 'valid' points.
Just start doing things to/for him that you'd like him to do to/for you. For example, make him a romantic dinner with candles... wear something pretty (it doesn't have to be too sexy or slutty or anything) The point is, you do something nice for him and show that you took the extra effort to look pretty for him (don't forget hair and makeup!!) Don't even try to seduce him. Just simply say that you have been feeling like the two of you haven't been connecting, that you miss him and love him, and that you wanted to do something nice for him. You don't have to get into some deep conversation and point out all his flaws and all the things that he used to do, but doesn't do anymore. You just told him that you missed him and that you weren't connecting. He knows that things aren't right, you don't need to give him all the details.. I mean, he DOES live there too!!
Once you've opened the door by offering up a feeling and a nice gesture, wait and see if he reciprocates.... Maybe that one thing will be enough. Maybe you will have to do more... but just keep it simple... don't beat him up... when you bring up things that he does wrong, point out how you don't like it when he does 'this', but you realize that you don't always handle the situation quite right... (I'm just trying to make the point that you should take blame, and not look like you're just there to point out everything 'he' does wrong... it takes two to get to where you are right now)
I believe that it's best for the children to have a mommy and a daddy who live together and love each other. So, maybe you can think about how much they love both of you and figure out a way to win him back. If you put forth some effort, you should see something in return. You should really try a few things to get your relationship back on track before high-tailing it out of there.
You married him for a reason... probably the same reason you chose him to be the father of your children. Don't forget all that... work for it... and it should pay off for you in the end!!
GOOD LUCK!!
2007-10-23 11:35:18 · answer #1 · answered by Jessica 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You may not like my answer, but here goes: You are not presently in a marriage. What do I mean by that? I mean that marriage is not a living arrangement, or how many years you have been together, or a piece of paper that says you are husband and wife. Marriage is ultimately the commitment to loving your partner and doing everything you can to make the relationship work.
Since your husband refuses to face or discuss your problem, and will not agree to any outside help in solving your conflicts, he has broken his commitment to your relationship as much as if he had an affair. He may be scared; he may have had an abusive childhood; he may have a wonderful, loving heart somewhere inside of him. The fact remains that, unless he is willing to be an active participant in your partnership, there is no partnership. And you can't make a marriage work alone.
If your partner isn't committed to doing whatever it takes to make the relationship work, what's the point of being in a relationship at all? Being committed to merely living in the same house with you and calling you a wife does not qualify as being a good husband. A good husband, or wife, fights for the marriage, and will try everything, until it's obvious that nothing is going to work.
Well, guess what? Your relationship is lying, bleeding, in the street. If it doesn't get help, it's going to die. Ask him one more time. If he refuses to participate in an effort to save it by making your marriage work as a happy couple, if he stubbornly holds his ground, know that it is time for you to leave before you, too, bleed to death emotionally.
ravishingV
2007-10-23 11:53:07 · answer #2 · answered by ravishingV 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you have a lot of "unspoken" things going on in your relationship. I have found that most of the conflicts in marriage are from unresolved issues. Have you talked to your husband about this? He doesn't seem happy and seems like he is dealing with some kind of issue. So, you probably need to find some way to have better communication with him. If you can't get him to talk, then maybe you should consider counseling as a couple and if he won't go, then maybe go by yourself. A skilled couples counselor may be able to help you figure out what's really going on because you can share more detailed aspects of your relationship that might shine the light on the real problems. Just remember.........this does not have to be a hopeless situation. It sounds to me that you have something to work with in your marriage and you may be able to find ways to improve it. Maybe he is missing something from you that he needs and I am referring to relationship things like he needs you to be more supportive of his job or more supportive of his need for a clean house or maybe he's worried about finances or maybe he feels left out of decision making on raising the children or disagrees with some of your parenting methods (I don't know anything about your situation so I'm just mentioning common marriage issues). Anyway, sometimes things that we don't really think about can cause problems in the relationship and if no one talks about it, then it doesn't get resolved and you drift apart. You never know what is going on if you don't discuss it. Don't give up without a fight! Also, if you are a religious person and believe in prayer, then pray about it. God has away of turning around impossible situations. Best of luck to you!
2007-10-23 11:29:38 · answer #3 · answered by Amy27 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do you think that going to a marriage councelor would help? It has helped many people. Do you think stress may be causing his unhappiness? Would it be possible to go away with him alone to rekindle the relationship? The seventh year seems to be a very tough year for many couples. I've been married 16 years and we make sure to tell each other and our children how much they are loved everyday. Best of luck.
2007-10-23 11:25:24 · answer #4 · answered by joeysgirl 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't feel that you are the only one. It is hard to keep things romantic, especially when kids come along. Getting out of your normal surroundings will help him focus more on you. Insist on a night out together. Go on vacation. Try to look and smell good around him and dress up a little, even for bed. He may start wondering if there is someone else if he is not generating these actions. Best wishes. You sound really sweet.
2007-10-23 11:22:28 · answer #5 · answered by Texas Cowboy 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You might want to try marriage counseling. If that doesn't work, then you might want to consider a trial separation. Lastly, I want to say you're a very beautiful lady with a lot going for you. Your husband should know how lucky he is to have you in his life. If he doesn't, then the loss will be his and his alone. Personally, I hope he suffers VERY merrcilessly.
2007-10-23 11:27:33 · answer #6 · answered by Mike M. 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Let me start by saying, I feel your pain. I'm in the same situation... So if you find an answer it would help us both out!...
I love my fiance, just dont feel it in return...she says she loves me, but don't show it. And don't even get me started on the intimacy subject...
Seriously, I can relate with what your going through, just keep in mind that your not alone. Best of luck to your search for happiness.
2007-10-23 11:55:17 · answer #7 · answered by mmcustm 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you both need to talk about this. When was the last time you both had a good, heart-pouring moment?
If you aren't happy, then you need to tell him. Maybe you both need a little more fireworks in your marriage. Maybe you need a little time a part. Maybe you need to see a professional.
If you really mean that you "don't know how to say good bye" then you've already given up before trying. TALK TO HIM.
2007-10-23 11:20:25 · answer #8 · answered by FaZizzle 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If he is into porn.Get a babysitter for the kids and get a good porn movie(check his computer and see what turns him on) and put on something sexy(or nothing at all) and watch the movie together.No it won't solve your problems but it will show him there is a problem and how far you are willing to go to try and fix it so maybe it will open the door to talk about things.I hope it works out for both of you.I know how you feel about being lonely but I'm single.Good luck.
2007-10-23 11:28:45 · answer #9 · answered by notagain49 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Lonely ok, I get that. But unhappy, happiness comes from with in. If you're sitting around waiting for someone else to make you happy then you are in a world of hurt. Try to change things a little with your husband. Talk to him, let him know how you feel.
2007-10-23 11:21:47 · answer #10 · answered by WhyNotMe 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋