Question regarding sexual performance anxiety?

Question

Sorry if this is long, going to be detailed.

I'm 26, I've never had sex. I'm with a girl now who I've known for 8 years and she had always been interested in me. We both decided finally to try and take it up a notch. When the moment finally came, I was shaking, I panicked a bit, and could not get an erection. After 3 hours of just cuddling etc, I realized I was worthless. I didn't want her to think I didn't find her attractive, and that made me feel worse.

As a child I had a mother who admitted she wished I had been a girl, and told me numerous times she didn't love me. This caused me to try and be the girl she wanted (I'm a guy) so that she'd accept me. At age 4 I was molested by a cousin and spent the rest of my childhood having my mother tell me that sex is wrong, and I should never put myself in that situation again. Basically that it was my own fault. We're no longer on speaking terms and haven't been for a few years.

What can I do to overcome this? Tell my doctor? If so, what?

Additional:

My girlfriend is very patient and is willing to help me work through this. We've waited 8 years, a few more months can't hurt.

In the end I'm wondering if this is something I can work through myself, or if I should seek out help. I've been to a doctor only once in my adult life and I'm not really sure what I'd tell him if help was needed.

In the end, I'm lost for what to do. Any help/thoughts/etc appreciated.

Answer 1

If you've only tried once and your girlfriend is supportive and knows about your growing up, you may be able to get through this on your own. I would suggest that you and your girlfriend spend some time just learning about what is pleasurable for the other person. The goal should be to discover what is arousing for you (and for her), with no expectation beyond that. You should decide ahead of time that if you get aroused, that will be enough, that you will not take it any further. If you start to get anxious or panicky, you should stop. Watch a movie or something and try it again another day. The idea is to get comfortable and relaxed in a sexual situation. Give yourself a few weeks to try it out. Once you reach that point, you can look at going the next step. Hopefully, by that time, you will have a degree of comfort with your girlfriend that it will begin to seem natural.

If this doesn't work, don't despair. Then go see your doctor. Tell her/him that you have a history of childhood sexual abuse and that it seems to be interfering with your present ability to have a satisfying sexual relationship. Tell your doctor that you're hoping to get referred for counselling with someone who has an expertise in sexual difficulties; hopefully someone who will work with both you and your girlfriend. Then go from there.

Believe it or not, this is a problem which is quite workable. You are very fortunate to have an understanding girlfriend who is willing to see this through with you. All the best to you.

Answer 2

An outside force would help alot, but this is always going to come down to your confort level with her. The frist start is getting past the anxiety, stop dissin yourself, shoot you even have a very potent cause. The second thing is that cuddling stuff, do it alot, do it frequencly and TALK your butt of during. Its not about just setting there and getting comfrontable its about getting your sub-conicous confortable, and the sub-concious loves communication. That aside get use to talking about sex, this can help alot, talk about what you do know, what you do like about it, just play on your inexperience, ask questions. Hopfully she'll be willing to say all she can to you honest. Also a few questions to ask, if you want some fellow up help short of a therapist, answer this in an E-mail to me.

1. Have you had a girlfriend before (I know you said no sexual contanct but that doesn't mean you never had a relatinoship outside of her)
2. Do you have any friends outside this relationship, if so, how close would you say you are? History would be real nice.
3. What was your relationship like with good old dadz?
4. Don't be embarassed here I don't know you;), do you masterbate? How often?

Understand I've been were you've been at, mostly because I masterbate, keeps me from just fin and screwing whores so I have no guilt about it. Unfornutly as a consequence I have to actually feel some deep feelings for them, before I'm confrontable enough with them to actually perform (cool thing is people like us excel at performance because of the nature of it, crazy stuff) I've had the same situation, and talking about it with her, chilling with her, taking the pressure off me, and me just relaxing made all the differece, but its a process......

Answer 3

If you choose to seek help, see a psychologist for some therapy (avoid medications in this case, because they really won't help you in the long run). Make sure the therapist is someone you can trust and someone you feel comfortable talking to.
However, if you choose to work this out on your own (which is an obtainable goal), you need to make sure you work through it with your girlfriend. You really NEED her to help make you feel comfortable, welcome, and even aroused. It will be a somewhat slow procedure, so don't get upset if it doesn't work right off the bat, but you really have to undo what roughly 20 years had conditioned you to feel. First of all, if you can't get an erection, don't feel bad, and don't panic. There are other things you can do to please your girl as long as you are willing to do so. Slowly train yourself to accept sex as a natural and very passionately wonderful part of a wholesome caring relationship. If you found a girl who could be so understanding and caring for you over 8 years time, she sounds like a keeper; it certainly doesn't seem like she'd run off just because you don't get an erection. Just be open with her and let her know why it really is that you don't seem aroused, clueing her in that it is nothing against her. She will likely understand.
The last thing you can do is take some alone time occasionally to explore a world of possible sexually arousing things (take a peek at some porn if you feel comfortable doing so, engage in some sexual fantasies, just find something that does arouse you and use that as your unconditioned response - treat this as a classical conditioning experiment, or at the very least find ways to break yourself of this "sex is bad" and somewhat abusive past you have. And, like I said, (and I can't emphasize this enough), COMMUNICATE with your girlfriend and ask her for her help.

Answer 4

I have read some litterature about panic attacks. But they allways seem to have a more scientific approach and that is nothing I need in my struggle to survive those horrible panic attacks. This is a "hand on" and very practical book. I felt it was written to me. I am sure that you are going to feel the same.

Joe Barry writes exactly how I think. The examples are perfectly described. And the method is genius. I recommend this book and thanks Joe Barry for writing it. It changes your life

Answer 5

wow, you sound so grounded, keep doing whatever it is , you are doing.. but just a heads up, im 43, first born ( i have a sister 2yr younger) i was told , she wished for a boy, but worse, i wasnt planned... well hello, im 43 , and most children dont come under the "we planned for you" but as a little girl, my heart sank. my grandparents loved me to death, but to this day my mother is just evil(and i still hope she may accept me) i have a daughter 11, and mother worships her. ugh. but thats their relationship, its to draining to figure.. LQQK your 26, at any age, and you maybe a bit older than most but every single man has that issue at some point,,, you have it blown up, because of your past.... this girl is a keeper..because she is so gentle with you , and your bond as friends seems to grow with these painful issues you feel you can share with her.....your mother sounds so angry with herself , ashamed too, and what does she do, but project her pains, angers and failures on a sweet little 4year old that looks to their mum for validation, hugs, comfort....a person we are safe with....and as for this person that violated you, ahh, non of that was your fault NON!!! you seem like you have been able to rid your anger with this person? if i caught that, good for you, why give them the power of your feelings, and using up space in your thoughts and dreams, with their sickness.. if its still a big issue, please free yourself thru Dr. to rid and re-direct that anger and betrayl.. you have a great future, focus on positive, Empower you.. then you will be that parent , your child will grow-up to respect , love with growing found memories... we may not be able to pick the family we land in, but gosh darnit!! but we do have choice for what we want for our family...and who we choose to let in, or keep out, at a distance.... pain forces us to grow, hopefully we become a better person , from the pain and loss delt our way...peace to you...