I cheated on him (after he did a number of equally bad things to me - he wasn't innocent either) I was planning on leaving but stayed and later on I confessed.
He told me he'd give me a 2nd chance, as I'd forgiven him for the things he'd done. We went from there and tried to start over.
Now, though, and it's been happening for a while... everytime he's upset in the leastbit or mad about anything (even if it has nothing to do with me) he brings it up, throws it in my face, uses it against me and ALWAYS brings up divorce.
I'm sick of the threats - they can come at any time. We can be 100% happy for months and then out of nowhere I'm forced to relive the past all over again!
How many times is someone supposed to be re-punished for something she did so long ago and would never ever do again? What's the point of changing if it's not good enough?
He knows I'm a totally different person, he knows I'm loyal and devoted and in love... and he uses it to bring me down.
What should I do?
2007-10-23 09:28:13 · 20 answers · asked by shellj_foxy 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Just a note: We tried to see a therapist once, he didn't want to go back. We were supposed to see a therapist again, he backed out. I suggested it once more last night - he basically laughed.
2007-10-23 10:27:19 · update #1
Betrayals have interesting shelf lifes.
Example: Together 10 years then one of you cheats.
You have an affair for a night - its seen as a mistake and is forgiven in a short amount of time
You have an affair for months up to a year - this is deep and ALL 10 years together is now in question. It could take another 10 years to recover from it, because they aren't sure if they were just stupid of the first 10 years or not.
The recovery time can easily be equal to the time you were together before the affair. Its a long time to make up for one's mistake, but in truth should it be any less?
2007-10-23 09:44:38 · answer #1 · answered by snack_daddy10 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You can go for some time with no problem. Then something pops up which brings it all to the front.
Actually Yahoo Answers does a very good job of reminding me of the bad stuff frequently.
Then whatever is going wrong becomes a , well you cheated on me rant.
If you cannot handle that then its time to leave. You only did that 3 1/2 years ago. How about having it all come up again AFTER 25 YEARS! There are things which happen that make it all seem like yesterday. mostly it has to do with the attitude which was being exhibited when you were cheating.
What should you do? You should tell him you are not that person and try to let it go. he will tell you he cannot and that will be true. At least he should try to bury it again until the next time.
You say he did equally bad things, well you cheated on him he cheated on you. It sounds like you both deserve to be reminded occasionally.
This is the warning that no one seems to heed. Go get that night of cheating sex and your marriage as you knew it is forever changed. You can recover and you can move on but the unconditional love you had is gone permanently. Sometimes that is for the better and the inattention goes away, sometimes it is not.
2007-10-23 10:00:32 · answer #2 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off you need to ask yourself, why he is doing this. Is he insecure and the thought of you being with someone else eats at him all the time and he vents about it only when he is mad.
Or is he just mad at the world and that is the only thing you have ever done that he can gripe at you for?
I think the best thing you could do is try to catch him when he isn't in a bad mood and things are going good for the two of you. Apparently you both want to stay together or you wouldn't have made it this far. Tell him you never think about it until he brings it up and you would like to forget it and be done with it. Maybe if you put it that way you can both put it behind you. Could be worse, I had a friend who had his wifes lovers name tattoed on his behind! Best of luck to ya!
2007-10-23 09:56:40 · answer #3 · answered by CINDY J 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not a medical expert nor familiar with any of the drugs you mentioned but I have been told that a good dose of table salt will decrease the drug readings. Then again it depends on when he got the order to take the test in relation to the date he would take it. In most cases the drugs can be diminished in three or four days. But that's just what I've heard from others I have no proven facts. Perhaps there will be someone who can give you a better answer.
2016-04-10 00:20:11 · answer #4 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cheating isn't just breaking your vow. It's breaking his sacred trust and the naive innocence he had in the relationship. It obviously affected him much more than he ever let you know and he still hasn't let it go. It isn't fair of him to keep dragging out the past - you're right. But be careful not to get too angry or self-rightous. I would sit down with him when you are both happy and in love - pick a good time. Talk to him in a loving tone and suggest you go to couples therapy to fully get past your past. He's obviously not over it and the 2 of you can't move on successfully until you can move past it!
2007-10-23 09:35:19 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You two need to go to therapy. He has alot of left over anger. You need to understand it too as well as he does also. If you two have good times and just these once in awhile episodes it's already destroying your marriage. Talk to him about counseling. He might use the argument that you need it he doesn't. But let him know you know you caused this rift in the trust but it can't be mended until you both work on it together. Good luck.
2007-10-23 09:42:22 · answer #6 · answered by Lisa2000 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hate to be the one to tell you but there is NOTHING that equals cheating! NOTHING! I'm sure if he still brings it up it is still eating at him and always will.I'll never understand why a woman would tell her husband she cheated if he doesn't know?It only hurts him.The best thing you can do for him is get a divorce and find someone else to mess up,you have ruined this guys life now move on.Find your next victim!
2007-10-23 09:43:23 · answer #7 · answered by notagain49 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is why I have often thought if you were to cheat that one time, maybe its better not to tell this person because once trust is broken, its hard to trust again I think! But your husband needs to stop bringing your past up, or he will end up pushing you away for good! You are a pretty lady and if things do not work out, contact me :)
2007-10-23 10:00:49 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
omg girl i feel ur pain. i am going through this same thing. mine has only been 2 1/2 years ago but he everyday still brings it up. i am miserable and so is he. i will also agree that if he wants a divorce so bad then why has he not done it? same thing here. mine throws it up n my face all the time and so today i told him go for it now!!! but he has made no moves to do so. i am so ready cause i am so tired of hearing this shi* all the time!!!! ready to start over with our two kids. Good luck to ya!!!!
2007-10-23 09:47:48 · answer #9 · answered by sunshine 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I feel he's still angry for what you did to him and this anger doesn't let him grow. This is unfair to you. You need to sit down with him and explain to him that when you guys decided to give your relationship a second chance alot of the past has to stay there in the past. He can't continue to bring t up the past. This has to be done in order for your relationship to blossom into some thing beautiful. My wife is the same way...not that cheated on her but my family has said stuff about her in the past and up this date she still bring it up. You need to have some patience with him--that's if you want to continue in the relationship.
2007-10-23 10:09:08 · answer #10 · answered by Rafa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋