I was dating a separated man & I recently broke it off w/ him until divorce b/c it had been 7 months & they've STILL not filed for divorce (he lives in his own place but a lot of his stuff & his dogs are still at their house where she's living).
He keeps asking me questions like "Will you date me after I get divorced?" "Have your feelings for me changed?" "Will you tell me if they do?" "Will you date other guys until I'm divorced"?
I can't tell if these questions are b/c he's insecure & lonely & wants to make sure I still love him, or if they mean he wouldn't be getting divorced if I weren't in the picture. I understood that it was mutual but now she doesn't want divorce so if there's any chance he may not want divorce, I don't want to be in the way even though I still have feelings for him & have no desire to date other guys right now. Why do you think he is asking these questions? How should I answer them to make sure he would be getting divorced with or w/out me? Thanks.
2007-10-23 08:07:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You don't...you tell him when he's divorced he can come call on you and if you are still available then maybe you'll go out with him. No reason, what so ever, for you to put your life on hold for him. And you don't owe him an answer for any of those questions.
2007-10-23 08:16:56 · answer #1 · answered by gypsy g 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Wow, well done. I don't know how old you are, but you are really handling this the right way, not letting your feelings get in front of the the good head that you have. I was in a simular situation with my current husband. I knew he was the love of my life, but he had two kids w/ her and his heart was broken over losing them. When she asked him to come back and try again, after trying for years, I told him go. I did not want to be in the way of that. Well it took one day, he was back in my arms and his daughter lives w/ us now, we see his son a lot. Sorry, back to your question, I just wanted to reaffirm that you're handling this the right way.
If you truly feel that he might divorce her just for you, then don't answer his questions. Tell him that you won't answer because he needs to make his own mind up on the merits of how he feels, not what you will do. And please, stick to your guns. Good luck!!
2007-10-23 18:22:58 · answer #2 · answered by escher 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm more or less in the same situation, and I feel for you becuz I know how tough it can be. I do think he's insecure and is afraid of losing it all: the wife and you. I don't think he cares about her anymore, but men are too afraid of being left alone and they need to feel secure and reassured...... sometimes they find it too tough to let go (i.e. file for divorce) because separation can always be reversed....... divorce is harder. They find this to be a too drastic decision and they're afraid they may screw up, but not becuz they're in love but becuz they want to feel they have "something" or "someone" somewhere available for them. If they let this "security blanket" (their marriage) go, so to speak, they feel defenseless, moreover becuz they don't know if their new relationship will work, and if it doesn't they will be left out with nothing. So I guess he needs that last push to make his decision but knowing that he's still going to have you. It's selfish to think this way because he only cares about his feelings, and expects you to sit & wait till his problem is solved.... It sounds like he does need an ultimatum. If you love him, tell him so..... let him know that you do love him and hope to build a relationship with him, but that he cannot expect you to wait forever. That you aren't into dating other ppl right now BUT will not screw an opportunity that you may find along the way only in the hope that he will finish his legal process someday. YOU NEED to see some action. It's ok that you refuse to see him, and again, reassure him of your love but tell him that this isn't the same as waiting for him indefinitely and you also need to see that he's actually DOING something to be with you, not just waiting to see "what happens" and expect you to waste your precious time doing the same. Good luck......
2007-10-23 18:20:31 · answer #3 · answered by Lprod 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell him flat out that you can't answer the questions because you don't want to be a deciding factor in his divorce. Then you need to move on and get a hobby or join a gym and meet some people to keep you busy. If he gets a divorce and you are still interested, then go for it. If not, then at least you will have lots of friends and activities.
2007-10-23 15:16:03 · answer #4 · answered by Go Bears! 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Tell him to get his divorce and then to give you a call when he is legally single. If you are not seeig anyone at that time then maybe you two have a chance. If you are seeing someone when the time comes, too bad for him waiting so long.
Wait for no man.
2007-10-23 15:14:20 · answer #5 · answered by Simply Lovely 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Its a tough question. He is definitely insecure because of his broken marriage. I know this from experience cause Im in it now. I think you need to protect yourself and let him make up his mind. he may be like me and try to save his marriage and it may or may not make it. Time will tell. Good luck
2007-10-23 15:27:53 · answer #6 · answered by Bill 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It took us almost over a year to file and have it ruled by a judge. That's only because we didn't have any disputes. People who do have disputes or a division of property, well, it's going to take longer.
2007-10-23 15:15:37 · answer #7 · answered by CC 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do you really want to invest yourself with a guy who can't decide for himself once and for all what he should do?
He's insecure and needs a Mama to help him make his decisions. Which may be exactly why he's separated since most women don't always want to be someone's Mama.
2007-10-23 15:20:57 · answer #8 · answered by Marc X 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He is probaly seeking his options. She may have said something to him. my husband and i seperated at the end of July for 2 weeks. He had no where to go and was bouncing from house to house. I found out he wanted to ask someone out. He never acted on it but he was affraid of being alone because togetherness is all he knew. We are together again and thats what he explained to me.
2007-10-23 15:20:23 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
It'll probably be forever.
If he wanted to get divorced, he'd be doing it. You are a piece of action to keep him busy while he strains over whether or not he can save his marriage.
2007-10-23 15:11:47 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋