How do I tell my son?

Question

How do I tell my 9 yr old son that the man that he thought was his dad isn't. I was with my ex husband for 6 years and we've been divorced for 4. He is re-married and hasn't seen my son for 18 months. I got court papers in the mail over the weekend and they informed me that 2 years ago, my ex-husband had a DNA test performed on my son without my knowledge. Needless to say the results say there is a 0% chance that he is my son's father. I was shocked and had no idea. If I had I assure you that I would never have put my son (and myself) thru the mental and physical abuse that he has been through. I know who is real father is. . .it's actually my high school sweetheart. Before you start slamming me about cheating, I would like you to know that we weren't married when my son was conceived. My ex and I had split up for about 2 months and me and my HS sweetheart had gotten back together. I went back to my ex at the end of Nov 97, found I was prenant on 12/31/97. So. . .now what?

Also, I don't know why he waited 2 years to inform me of the results. They were on DNA Diagnostic Center letterhead so I know they're real.

Ok. My ex-husband didn't stop seeing my son because of the DNA test. He stopped seeing him because his new wife (who is also the reason for our divorce) doesn't want him to have anything to do with him (my ex hubby also has an 11 yr old son, by another woman, that he signed over his rights to about the same time he stopped seeing my son). My attorney, who is the best in the state(he's also the govenors attorney) is aware of the situation. I had no clue that my son belonged to my HS sweetheart, though maybe that's not a adequate title for him. Him and I were together from the time I was 13 until I was 21 and then off and on until I was 27. He's married now with a 2 yr old child and he says if his wife(who cheats on him) finds out about my son, she'll leave him. I'm still on hold about what he wants to do. My ex hubby and I can't sit and discuss this, we can't stand each other and he doesn't want anything to do w/ my son, thats what the court papers are about.

Answer 1

Your son is old enough to understand that people make mistakes. I'm not saying your son is a mistake by any means, what I am saying is that you were mistaken as to who his daddy was. Although your ex is probrably the only dad this boy has ever known, he also needs to know that this man is not his dad. And who is real dad is! A mom will always be able to find it in her heart the right words to tell a child something of this importance. Also regardless of whether the real dad wants this child to know or not, he should know. The real dad should take responsibility, I understand he has another family, but he should put himself in your sons shoes. Your son didn't ask to be here, you two brought him into this world, and both need to be there for him. He needs a father figure in his life for guildance. I would do my best to get the real dad involved in setting the young man down and explaining everything to him. Good luck, I know you will find the right words and confidence somehow.

Answer 2

I hope your husband is aware that even though the child isn't biologically his, the court will most likely still recognize the child as being his son if he raised the child with you AS HIS SON. Biology doesn't make someone a father...but I'm sure you know this already.

This is a tough position to be in, and not one I'm sure that a 9 year old needs to hear about now. He surely has realized that something is up after 18 months. If he asks, just tell him that his dad's an @------, because he is! He must have wondered something when you turned up pregnant so soon after you got back together. I mean, surely it crossed his mind. Besides, this sounds a little fishy to me. What does your attorney say? Did the atty get copies of the papers? Letterhead can be created...verify the information before you do anything rash.

Answer 3

Tell your high school sweetheart immediately! When you tell him, then you can start figuring out everything that you need to tell your son. The quicker that you can tell your son the better because he needs to know who his real father is. Since he is 9, your son might be able to foster a very good relationship with his biological father if you do this the right way. Be completely honest, no matter how sensitive the material. Kids hate it when they think that you aren't telling them the whole story. You might need to tell him alone at first and then can bring his real father in over time, it really can't be rushed because this child is going to feel like their security blanket is yanked away when they thought something was true and now it is all a blur. He needs to know that you yourself just found out. He will not trust you if he thinks that you have kept this from him his whole life. Maybe getting a counselor will help with the other details. Or a family therapist. You might need to really prepare what you are going to say to the highschool sweetheart, especially if he has his own life and children and a wife. This is going to be very complex, but just let it go slowly and don't try to do the hey this is your dad, now let's go and get some pizza. That will not work. Just take it one step at a time. Hope everything goes well, and please write back so that we will know what happened! God Bless!

Answer 4

Don't accept that the test results are valid without doing some checking yourself. Contact the DNA center, they may or may not speak with you. Generally DNA tests NEVER say there is 0% chance. Tell them you are your son's guardian and want info about the test. Consider getting a second DNA test. You don't know how, when this sample was taken, and that it was really taken from your son. Before going to DNA testing, check out blood types. Also eye color. That can be an indicator if it is possible or not--looking at your husband's, son's.

You say there are court papers involved. Contact an attorney. They can challenge the DNA, get access to the report, and analyze it.

Don't tell your son until you have figured some of this stuff out. This is adult stuff, and once you have knowledge, then you can consider how/what to tell him. It may be a relief to him to know why the man he considers his father isn't visiting him. That is very painful for a child, regardless what they say about it. Just tell him that there are some court proceedings between you and his father/ ex-husband and that once you know what is happening, you will share it with him.

Answer 5

I would look up the phone number on-line, then call the DNA place to make sure that this is a legitimate letter from them...ask for a copy to be sent to you.

What does your gut tell you about who his father is? If you feel that he is the father, it might be worth it to have the tests done yourself.

And I would tell your son ASAP, because all he knows is that his Dad does not come see him anymore, and probably does not love him, and nothing can be more devastating than that.

Then call up you ex- high school sweetheart and let him now that he may have a son...one that really could use a good man in his life. Have him take the DNA test and that he wants to be in your son's life, before you introduce him to your boy.

Good luck

Answer 6

I'm sorry, but I think you should tell him. I'm not judging you on how you got pregnant because people do the same thing you did all the time.

I was adopted and I found out from friends at school. I felt betrayed because my own parents didn't tell me. I really don't know how my friends knew. My parents were friends with their parents, so that could be how. Anyway, I think you should tell him and the real father right away. The longer you wait, the longer your son will feel betrayed. He doesn't know now but he will. Trust me these secrets don't stay a secret for ever. Plus what if the father's family has health problems that may be passed down? Wouldn't you want to know? I think your child has the right to know who his natural father is. I think you should not keep this from him.

Answer 7

That is a tuff one, I think you have to talk to your ex husband, if he really cares for your son he can not put this poor boy through this. This boy thinks he is his dad and lets face it he has been for all these years. You need to check the details with the DNA place before you do anything though. I'm not sure if you knew who was the dad until now, if you knew your husband was not the real father you were wrong to let him think he was, but what he is doing now is so much worst, in fact this could scare your boy. talk to your ex tell him this, he must have feelings for the boy. Talk to a childs thearpists, or some one that can give you the right advise. I wish all three of you luck.

Answer 8

Well before you tell your son anything, you need to contact this man and see if he wants to be in your sons life. If not, then don't put your son through it. I do suggest that you see some kind of councelor or specialist about how and when to break the news. If you don't then just tell him honestly. He may be upset at you, but he also deserves the truth, but I do strongly suggest a professional, maybe even a school councelor or something. Good luck and I hope this man turns out to be a good father and shame on your ex husband for knowing he wasn't the father for 2 yrs and not saying n e thing. God Bless.

Answer 9

You are in a really tough position in so many ways, but I would guess the emotional hell is the worst. He knows his father to be the one who raised him. That is the way he defines a dad. I'm guessing he's not up on the biological definition.Trying to explain it is going to be really hard under the best circumstances. He already has his interpretation of why he doesn't get to see his "dad". Telling this to him right now is going to make it very complicated for him. Partially because of the emotional turmoil you are dealing with.

My advice would be to wait. Wait until you have your bearings. Wait until you have all the information you can get on this situation. Then, you will be able to better see what he needs to know and what you think you should tell him. Maybe it turns out you need to wait a couple of years. Him knowing right now is not paramount, but you will need to tell him. You telling him "The man you call dad isn't really your dad. Another man is your dad, but you can't see him either." can wait until you can answer all of his questions as best you can, and he will be able to understand it.

My prayers are with you.

Answer 10

A similar situation just happened with my niece. She is 13 and has always thought my brother was her father. Out of the blue, her biological father sent a letter he wanted to meet her. I think your best bet may be to first figure out if the man who was believed to be his father still wants to be in his life at all and then speak with your HS sweetheart to see about getting a test done with him. I'm not doubting he is the father, it will just be better for your son to see the actual proof. Make sure all of the bases are covered for your son before going into this. You need to know where his life will be headed on all angles before you proceed. He will be confused and it will hurt him at times but on the other hand if his "father" was abusive, the sun may have just shone down on him if his biological father is a much better man. Good luck.