How could you justify leaving your spouse just because they turned out to be infertile?

Question

I mean, shouldn't you take that to be a sign that your marriage isn't supposed to be about children, as many of them are?

I would think couples facing infertility would realize they need to focus on other areas and grow their relationship based on those things. Not tear it apart based on what you can't do.

I'm asking this question in reaction to another one posted on here recently. Someone said she considered leaving her husband when she found out he was infertile! Yikes-there is no lemon law on spouses! :)

For the purposes of this question, assume a child is not possible, through birth, adoption, or fostering. There will never be any child.

Why would it be so hard to have a marriage without a child to focus on?

Chip, thanks for sharing your honest perspective. Yes, I am an American. I wait in traffic, miss valuable personal time from waiting in lines...I feel the brunt of over-population all the time. That's why I don't really buy into it when people talk about their instinct to populate the Earth, especially Americans.

I agree with Shelly. If God put two people together in marriage and it turns out they can't have children, then that means their marriage is about something besides children.

For those of you who say "no b/c we can always adopt," that is not necessarily saying, "I would still continue my marriage if there were no children in the picture." That is why I say assume you couldn't adopt either.

Answer 1

lol.....My first husband left me when he found out I couldn't have kids. As for how he just justified it well he wanted kids! Me I was crushed.....But, I picked myself up and dusted myself off. Found a great man who loves me for me and we adopted a son. Yes, we talked a lot about me not having my own kids.
Even if we couldn't have adopted our son we still would be married. We were married for 4 years before we decided to adopt. We had a different life then it was about us. Our son is 13 now and we talk about in 5 years from now it will be about us again....lol

Answer 2

I am sure glad my husband didn't leave me just because I am infertile. He has always only been loving and supportive and has never criticized me for it in any way. He said he would even marry me all over again, knowing that I can't have children. I would do the same for him. It's called comitment and true love. Infertility definitely has the potential to put a huge amount of strain on a marriage if not dealt with. Really, though, do you just marry your spouse for their eggs/sperm? I think there's a lot more to a person than that!

Answer 3

That's crazy. I undertsand being upset and sad if you cannot have a child of your own with the person you love, but that is no reason to leave them. You took a vow to that person, not their reproductive organs. There are so many children out there who need loving homes, there is always adoption. Instead of being selfish and thinking of themselves, they should think about the wonderful experience they could have when they find a child who needs their life basically saved and to still have the experience of raising that child together as their own. Just because it didn't come from their bodies, it shouldn't make that much of a difference. There are always children of all ages who need homes, including infants if they want the baby experience. I was lucky enough to have children with my husband, but I look at my sister in law and her long-time boyfriend (not married yet, but been together almost 10 years) who say that they will choose not to have a child because there are so many out there that need loving homes and families, and I think what a wonderful experience that may be. I would not be able to justify leaving someone I am supposed to love and want to spend my life with for that reason at all, and even if it was someone close to me, I would tell them I believe that it is wrong. It just makes me wonder what that person would do if they did somehow end up concieving and the child ended up having a health problem. Scary.

Answer 4

My husband never left me. Once the doctors had told me to give up all hope and that I should have a hysterectomy at 34. My now X, became increasingly abusive and belligerent towards me. He didn't want to adopt, because he said he didn't want someone else's f*cking baby, he wanted his own.
He basically made my life a living hell...I became the root of all evil in his eyes. He pushed me so hard, talked bad about me to everyone, anything to justify what he was doing. Ultimately push me away, making everyone think that I was a horrible wife, so he didn't have to feel guilty for not wanting me anymore because I couldn't have children. I finally left him. None the less, all I ever wanted was to be a mommy...after my diagnosis, I tried other things, expand my horizons, find a purpose, something that would make me feel complete. I went back to school, I took up karate lessons, art classes anything and everything, I immersed myself into many different things....nothing filled that void that I felt inside. At 36...I got knocked up! Doctors were wrong! And honestly, I no longer feel that void, I've found what I was supposed to do with my life. This is who I am, what makes me happiest is being this little girl's mommy.
We are who we are, some of us are hardwired to be parents, some of us aren't...no reason to pass judgment on each others choices.

Answer 5

If someone leaves a spouse because they are infertile than that person never really wanted the marriage, just children. If children are so important to a person, there are so many American children that need good, loving homes because to many people adopt from other countries.

Answer 6

I agree. Infertitility is not a good reason for leaving one's spouse. (cheating and beating ARE good reasons though.) Plus, there's a lot of options out there. There's adoption, running a foster home, and/or invitro-fertilization. In this day and age infertility isn't a good excuse for divorce, or ending a relationship. I myself want children but, I know that if for some reason I can't have children that there are many other babies out there that need good homes. Infertility is no problem.

Answer 7

That's insane, there is always adoption if having a child is that important to someone....i would be happy if my husband was infertile LOL

For me it would not be hard at all to have no child in my marriage. We do not have one now , i think it actually makes the relationship stronger and easier and i would be very happy if we never had one.....that's just me though, i am not like most women and i have never had motherly instincts or even wanted a child.

I agree on the overpopulation (another reason i don't want kids to add to the overpopulation) if every single couple or woman in this country was meant to have kids we would be in serious trouble

Answer 8

You say to assume no child is ever had, but if that's the case, it was a conscious decision not to choose infertility treatment, adoption, etc. I guess having a child really wasn't that important to them if they exclude all other options.

"Infertile" people have children all the time. Sounds like someone is making an excuse....

Answer 9

1. Some people only get married in order to have children. Awful, but true.

2. There is no 'supposed to'. There is only what is, or what isn't.

3. I PERSONALLY wouldn't divorce based on a fertility issue, because there are always many alternatives. But I can't answer for everyone.

4. Women have a powerful instinct to bear children. Sometimes it's the single most powerful instinct they have. As ridiculous as it may seem to us, I'm not surprised to hear that there are folks out there who divorce because their spouse can't conveive or is infertile.

Answer 10

They are suppose to love that person until death do them part. Just because he cannot have a child is no reason to leave. There are plenty of children out there that need a loving home (adoption). If a woman leaves her man because of that fact then she is selfish and not in love with her husband. It is one thing of the man knew he could not have kids and did not discuss this with his wife before he got married then yes she has the right to leave because the marriage is based on a lie. It is another if he just found out.

Answer 11

Some people think marriage is the foundation for a family - the seeds to a family tree. Without children, there's no spice. It's just you & your spouse, no monotony, the same thing evry day. It probably gets depressing after a while.