Pregnancy -- truly a couple's decision?

Question

After 3+ years of careful birth control, I somehow managed to get my wife pregant. (How that accident happenned isn't really important). What IS important, however, is that I had scheduled a vasectomy just the week before we discovered this with her full knowledge and approval. We planned to never have children. Go figure.

If you disagree with abortion or a woman's right to chose, that's fine, but read no further. You can't help me, and faith-based answers will be ingorned. Everyone else...

My wife says, "This is our decision. I don't want to make it by myself." Although I agree that this is a very different kind of decision than for me to have a vasectomy, I fail to see how I factor into this decision. While I can express my opinion (hint, it's the same as it was when I decided to get the ol' snip-snip) and tell her that she will have my support whatever she decides, SHE is the one who will decide. Two people can't make a democratic decision, so is it really OUR choice?

Answer 1

Ultimately it IS her decision, since she is the pregnant one, not you.

However, I understand her point. You are married, and you're life partners. It's not like you're some random one-night stand who thinks he has the right to tell her what to do with her body. Maybe she's on the fence about it, and your input would really help her make a decision.

Answer 2

I suppose you're right, in many ways. You could always divorce her and leave the state if you don't want to be a father, though you may be on the hook for some child support money. So yes, you are choosing whether or not to become a father, in many ways. It's just that the other option - abandoning her - doesn't seem like a choice to you. But it still is. You could also live with her, but become cold and semi-abusive to her for making the "wrong" choice.

You're right that with only two votes, the woman is clearly the tie-breaker. But the fact that you're choosing to act like a good husband doesn't mean that you don't get a say in how involved a parent you will be, or how you will react to this event.

If you're certain that you would be a lousy father - or you just really don't have the money, or have other very serious concerns, any loving wife is going to seriously consider termination, if she is pro-choice. However, if you're just a little worried over the loss of freedom, or didn't like the surprise of it all, perhaps this might be something you could grow to accept and be happy about.

Many women find it takes only a few days to get over the surprise, before they reorganize their priorities to fit a new baby, but it can take men a lot longer - even if they always wanted children! Talk to some other fathers about what you're feeling, and they can help you sort out whether it's "absolutly not" for you, or "this will take some time to accept".

Answer 3

If you were so dead set against kids, why did you wait 3+ years?, in fact, if a man feels that way, i don't know why he does not have a vasectomy before he starts relationships. Could it be that he might not get further than a first date? Get her to fall in love with him first, then spring this on her? That's as bad a women who trap men with pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, i had my first at 35 1/2, also by accident. So why?, i would really like an answer to this kind of thinking?, oh, of course, it's her decision, you threw yours away, go figure! You knew for fact, that a vasectomy was 100% better than any form woman's of birth control. The cure for "careful" is the word "sorry", both mean didily squat now. As to the "you'll have my support what ever you decide", is another cop out, voice your opinion on the matter, be truthful, your being irrisponsible again. Then she will be able to honestly decide. But know, that an abortion does not go away a week after the fetus hits the bottom of the trash can, it is a life time haunting, even when the woman wants one. Statistically, the relationship does not last, for obvious reasons. I know for fact that if she decides to have the child, your going to be surprised at yourself. But get the snip, snip, now!! You knew plans Never, but Never, work out to a T, god, what in life does. Since time immamorial, the greates of discoveries, inventions and genous's, were born by accident.

Answer 4

1. I believe you should have equal input into her choice. Surely you'll be by her side every step of the way.

2. Adoption is still an option, you know, especially if it's an open adoption where you get to watch the baby grow up. I'm sure someone will absolutely love to have your child.

3. Your third choice is to have the baby anyway, even though you say you don't want children. It may turn out to be the best decision you two ever made, and add far more to your lives than you can ever possibly imagine. It wouldn't be the first "mistake" to do so.

Whatever you decide, good luck and God bless you both.

Answer 5

Ultimately two people cant make the decision, and in some cases a person has been so well indoctrinated with whatever belief system or the situation isn't suitable and then they don't really make the decision.

At least she does want to know your decision and even though, in the end it's her choice and all, your decision may be the deciding factor. Or it may end up being taken with a grain of salt.

Answer 6

In a perfect world it would be. I guess it's not a perfect world. lol I think your wife is lucky to have someone who stands beside her and believes she has the right to do what she wants to do.

If I became pregnant, which is VERY unlikely, I would hope that the father and I would agree on what needs to be done together.

I think you do have a choice in this. Or at least have the right to an opinion. But I know a lot of people say it's all the women's choice. I guess I never saw it that way. To me it should be a couples choice. To others it shouldn't. I can honestly say, I don't know. LOL I think it's great that you stick by your wife no matter what. You are lucky to have each other.

Answer 7

You both have to talk about the pros and cons of having a baby. Also you have to make sure that she REALLY doesnt want this baby. Because women sometimes get that intuitive mother side and she may not want to "get rid of it". If she in fact want to keep the baby you need to figure out if you will be ready to become a father. If you aren't ready for that you have to have an even serious talk with your wife. so before helping her, help yourself by trying to figure your feelings out about this baby first. Do you want to be someone's daddy or do you want to step away? So see in fact it is BOTH of your decisions because this baby is a part of you and a part of your wife. Whether you have it or not should be determined by both of you because either decision will change both of your lives dramatically. Because an abortion (depending how far along your wife is) is not something that will be easy. And the same thing goes for going full-term with this baby and raising him. Just figure your feelings out, listen to your wife's feelings, let her hear your feelings, then the both of you probably will be able to resolve this. Talk to someone other than your wife as well to just get someone else's opinion. especially someone real close to you like maybe a brother, sister, mom, dad... someone who really knows you. let us know what you decide.

Answer 8

You probably don't want to hear this, but no. It's mostly the women's choice. You can help her decide by saying what you want to happen and why. You can also help with the decision by saying why you don't like the other choices. It is ultimately her choice. It will be her under the knife, her handing over something she grew, or her getting up every two hours to breast feed (if she chooses to breast feed).

It's very simple to mess up birth control so try not to take it out on her. My best friend got pregnant after taking her pill 4 hours late. Sometimes that just happens.

Good luck and if you end up keeping it congrats. There are some people who spend years trying to have children.

Beth

Answer 9

The dilemma I see is that coming to an agreement about not having children is simply not the same as coming to a democratic decision about whether or not to have an abortion. If there is even a small part of her that does not agree with abortion for herself (which is definitely different than not getting pregnant in the first place; some people support the right to have an abortion but don't want to have one themselves) than she is in quite a dilemma, isn't she? To have the baby puts a wedge between you and to have an abortion would violate her principles. I hope for your sakes, she is not opposed to having an abortion. If she is in favor of choice, but does not believe in abortion for herself, there is the option of adoption.

Answer 10

This goes to the heart of the matter.

Women own their bodies. Period. All the time. Meaning that ultimately, it is her decision to make, no one else's.

But you are in a loving relationship, and so it is perfectly reasonable for her to CHOOSE to share this very important decision with you, at least insofar as she has asked for your input and will consider it when making her decision.

It is yours to talk about. It is hers to decide.

Answer 11

It entirely depends on what you want the outcome to be. If she chose to have the child, would you stay with her? Do you want to stay married to her? What's more important, retaining your relationship with her or not raising a child? (And there's no "wrong" answer here.) If you want to stay with her, you are going to have to yield to her wishes, whichever way they go. The baby is inside her body and that's the ultimate bottom line regarding why she has the ultimate say. If you nudge her toward a decision she doesn't want and she follows your wishes then later regrets her actions, she will hold you to blame, either consciously or subconsciously, and it will ruin your relationship.

Bottom line is...if she wants the baby and you want her, grin and bear it and get used to the idea of being a father.