*****
I look out, to the west
From the house we built ourselves
To the place where you have gone
Far away
I think of times, so sublime
And the children’s nursery rhymes
I wonder if I will feel that way again,
Someday
She will not turn to look at me
She only sees what she believes
My heart breaks with every step she takes
Please stay!
*****
2007-10-23 07:13:06 · 9 answers · asked by TD Euwaite? 6 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Don't go all sappy on me. It's art. My brain cranks it out, not my heart.
2007-10-23 07:47:39 · update #1
Well...even if it doesn't come from your heart, i think it has hit mine! ;-) i'm such a mess right now that i can't really produce any poems... but you've just said things that i really wanna say. things that i have in me yet i can't let it out. i'm surely gonna keep this one. thanks. ;-)
-->Anyway i like the last line of each stanza (far away-someday-please stay!) and i honestly think that you don't have to lengthen the poem as it is very cute the way it is...if its longer, then it's really gonna be sappy!
2007-10-23 12:12:00 · answer #1 · answered by Dark Dickinsonian 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The cosmic tumblers click into place,
The earth to the sun, continues it's chase
Everything happens for a reason, they say
So someday I'll know, why she's gone away
*Love may fail, but courtesy will always prevail~
2007-10-23 14:29:04 · answer #2 · answered by Phil McKracken 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I like it. It sounds bittersweet with a love lost. Can't help on the poem though as that is not one of my strong points. Good luck buddy.
2007-10-23 14:42:57 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Lovely.
2007-10-23 14:18:06 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
nice but if your looking for areas of improvement make you sentences even in length unless they are one word or the last lines of the queads. and through in a rhyme here and there. over all its a good piece.
2007-10-23 14:38:32 · answer #5 · answered by fernando V 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your heart was in this one. Very good poem.
2007-10-23 15:19:47 · answer #6 · answered by Marguerite 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Fair--
But why should I help You.
You Don't Read mine.
Thar's one still open.
2007-10-23 19:52:51 · answer #7 · answered by TWOBOB 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes it does need help. I can't say it needs my help though.
2007-10-23 14:26:06 · answer #8 · answered by Marla ™ 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
no, it does not need help...
It is sad... and nostalgic...
2007-10-23 14:33:17 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋