I'll try to make this as brief as possible, but i really want your opinions. Been together 6.5 years, I'm 25 he's going to be 29 next month. We've had our ups and downs like every couple, but we've stuck together and love each other very much. I have wanted to get engaged for a while, but he hasn't been ready so I let it go. Well after 6.5 years i said enough is enough, there is absolutley no reason for us not to get engaged, none at all, and he kept saying I'm not ready and I don't know why or when I will be. (There has been much more said, that has made me force the issue b/c sometimes I think we are on different pgs. & it is important to me to be with someone that wants to get married & hace a family) So back in Aug, I broke up with him & said no more games, we get engaged or we are over. So after no speaking for 3 weeks he calls me & says he loves me more than anything, he realized life is too short, he want a family and he's ready to get married, so he buys my ring and ...
2007-10-23 03:53:44 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
As I left off, he bought my ring and said he was ready. So here I am waiting and no ring. He then continues to say he wanted till the end of the year so he could plan something nice, even though I wanted to get engaged now, I agreed. Then after I agree, he goes back to the same stuff he's always done(which is why I did what i did to begin with) and says well I can't promise anything by the end of the year. So here we stand, I let him go, cause we didn't want the same thing, he comes back saying everything I've ever wanted to hear and buys my ring. Now 2 months later he's not ready again and doesn't know when he will be. He says it has nothing to do with how much he loves me but he's not ready and doesn't know why. He can't give me a reason at all. So I said if you're not going to commit to me by the end of the year we are over. So now, we are broken up b/c he said I can't force him & I said he's never going to stop playing his games which is why I am doing what i'm doing. Any comments?
2007-10-23 04:00:22 · update #1
Oh and let me tell you how much I do for this boy, I'm already like his wife, I treat him like a king because I love him very much, so that isn't the issue. I think he has seen all of his friends marriages fail and that may have something to do with it, I don't know! Men out there can you help me gain some insight? He says he loves me more than anything, and i belive that, there is no need to be with anyone else or anything like that at all, he just has this thing about getting married and I had to do what I did to see where he stands. 6.5 years in my opinion is plenty of time to have gotten engaged. I mean am I being unreasonable here, or am I right for saying man up or we are over? Men help me please!
2007-10-23 04:03:38 · update #2
and...?
finish the story
2007-10-23 03:57:49 · answer #1 · answered by Femme 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I was in the same situation but with a much shorter relationship. First question is....are you living with him? If so he already has you as a wife so why get married "if its not broke why fix it?" Secondly, you are probably already "basically like being married" so why should he take that next step. If he is not ready it could be for some many reasons which may/may not have anything to do with you. Guys are strange and will make excuses for anything! Go out and date get to know other people and maybe you will realize this is all just a blessing in disguise. If you get back with him keep your distance. Dont always be there when he wants you there, dont do everything for him. Put yourself more as a "girlfriend" not a wifey.
2007-10-23 06:50:32 · answer #2 · answered by Janna B. 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Men are not mind readers. Now he knows what you want. This guy isn't ready, plain and simple. Most of the time, professional men work very hard to get where they are and want to enjoy the fruits of their labor before settling down. Trust me, don't hold your relationship hostage and threaten to blow it's brains out unless he promises to in fact propose by the end of the year. Have you ever watched the movie, "Love Stinks?" He's going to begin to resent you. I agree that 6.5 years is plenty long to know if this is the person with whom you want to build a life. However, men wouldn't get married if they could help it. The ones who do usually need a pretty compelling reason to do so. If he isn't ready, he isn't ready. He is aware of your family pressure, biological clock and all that. But if he isn't ready, he isn't. You don't want to FORCE or TRICK him into something. He will resent you and you will become depressed and he will grow distant. If this is THE MAN for you, be patient. And understanding. If marriage is in fact something that you can't live without NOW and you feel you'd be wasting your time with this man because you could be out looking for someone who is on the same page as you are and you'd be just as happy being married to another, it's time to cut this one loose. Otherwise, you'll continue to bring up the subject, he will balk, you will leave him, he will crawl back on bended knee and promises and you will spend your life dating on the installment plan. Good luck!
2007-10-23 04:11:09 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
So he buys your ring and you remain engaged for 12 years... You can't force someone to propose to you, he is doing this to not loose you, not because he really wants to. Threats and ultimatums have a way of comming back and bitting our a**.
If he's not ready to marry you after 6 years, he will never be, I am sorry. When someone genuinely loves someone, marriage is one step above their relationship, the ultimate comunion, not a horror story. Your boyfriend sounds deathly afraid of marriage, and there is a reason for it, maybe he is not so sure you are the one, maybe he is visualizing a lifetime of you forcing him to do things. In any case, it doesn't sound like you two are walking the same road. You want marriage and kids, he wants none of that. You do you compromise in this particular situation? Kids are not hot dogs, they are kids, and if he is not ready, he certainly should not be forced into marriage and kids, because he will suck at beign a husband, and at being a father. Then comes the divorce, child support, etc, etc, etc. Read the majority of questions in Marriage/Divorce.
I say let him go, either he gets ready, or he doesn't and you're free to find someone who won't run away screaming off into the night when you ask for commitment.
2007-10-23 04:02:27 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is taking you forgranted like you will always be there. In the 6 1/2 years he has been with you he should be comfortable about his future with you! I would not mention it again to him because he knows what you want. I would do something different here like slowly moving away from him where he feels the pull. Give him something to think about ...and start spending more time with your friends and going out. Let him see you moving in a different direction in your life while you still keep him there. Maybe plan a weekend get away with girlfriends every now and then and leave him home with himself. Put enough space between you to give him a little worry that you are out there and available. A little jealousy might do his heart good?
2007-10-23 04:48:15 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If it took you breaking up with him for him to want to marry you I don't think he is ready for it. I think the only reason he did was because he doesn't want to lose you forever, He does really love you and some people just don't realize they are ready for marriage till later than others. He needs time it will come but don't put pressure on him maybe he is saving up for a nice ring, or maybe he is planning a huge trip to purpose you never know maybe he has a few things (like debt or something) that he wants to clear up before getting married .
2007-10-23 04:01:24 · answer #6 · answered by bh_firegirl_9 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If marriage is truely all you want from a relationship then you should say goodbye and move on. I think he has more than made it clear with his actions that he is not interested in a little piece of paper making it legal. Some people are like that, they don't need that piece of paper to commit theirselves to loving another person.
If you truely love this person, and want to spend the rest of your life with him, then you should back off and just enjoy each and every day with him. Marriage has not made a difference for all these years, you have love and fidelity so why rock the boat if he is your soul mate.
As for a family, no reason why you can't have one anyway. Many women would kill for the love you seem to have with him and they would not care whether they had a diamond ring or not.
Good Luck
2007-10-23 04:11:28 · answer #7 · answered by mn lady 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
...and... be wary. I'll say it. If it took this kind of prompting to get him to buy a ring then there's a good chance that his epiphany was not about a short life and wanting a family but, rather, about doing whatever it takes to keep you and make you happy. He's not a loser for being overly cautious about marriage. He obviously loves you very much and would do anything for you, even if it's something he's not sure if he wants for himself. Just be cautious about forcing ultimatums on someone else, they don't always end the way we want them.
Of course, this is all speculation because, like everyone else, I don't know how the story ends. :)
2007-10-23 04:03:55 · answer #8 · answered by Frosty 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't have waited 6.5 years for the ring. Maybe he does love you, but he doesn't want to get married. Either resign yourself to not getting married or move on. You've already wasted 6.5 years with someone who doesn't want marriage and you could've been happily married to someone else by now.
2 years (if not sooner) is plenty of time to begin seriously talking about marriage and if you don't have a ring by 5 years (or another arrangement) you're not getting one.
2007-10-23 04:11:48 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There you go. It looks like you got your answer. I applaud you for your strength. Men are so strange sometimes. They can have the perfect thing in front of them, yet they are never "ready" to commit. It sounds to me like he really does love you, and by you being strong and granting him some time apart, he has come to realize that fact more now than ever. Just make sure that this is truly what he wants so that later on, he cannot accuse you of "forcing" him. I hope that this works out for the two of you. You sound like you have a very solid relationship :)
2007-10-23 03:59:32 · answer #10 · answered by HoneyChild 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i'm soooo waiting!!!!..c'mon refresh, refresh...
ok here's my thoughts:
first, let him go. stop the madness sweetheart. seriously.
here's why:
-he's not ready to commit to you like you need and want him to. it's no one's fault, it's just how it is. you keep pushing and he gives in here and there, but deep down you and he both know that the only reason he's conceeding to buying the ring and etc is b/c you're pressuring him and cutting off the relationship.
-if you get married under the pretense of an ultimatum, then you will wonder for the rest of your life if he really married you for YOU or b/c you threatened to leave him. seriously, i answered a Q on here a few months ago asked by a lady in the same situation except fast forward about 10 years. she told her bf to either marry her of she was breaking up with him. he married her and to this day she sometimes wonders if he loved her and married her or just didn't want to lose her. the kicker....she'll never know.
so, let him go. move on and live your life and if your worlds align in the future then you'll know it's for real. if not, then you know that you dodged a bullet.
the reason i married my husband was b/c we loved each other and wanted the same things at the same time. sometimes we love people who just aren't at the same spot we are at the same time......it happens.
take care:)
2007-10-23 03:59:20 · answer #11 · answered by joey322 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋