for wifes in long term marriages ........do your husbands say this ?

Question

We have been together for more than a decade , i have stood by him despite his cheating n adjusted with his family "high and mighty " attitude towards me and given up a rich and rewarding career for bringing up our only child as i think its imp to raise them well ......as the years progress n thought generally he treats me well often he mockingly asks what i do for him ? His contention is I only have to cook n clean which is no big deal. While I agree it is no big deal to me it is as big as his work if not more. But truth is while his career grows each year and his salary increases exponentially year on year my household contributions remains as much and as menial n insignificant as ever. Do you also face this ? Do u also yearn for an occassional well done ! ? Am I asking for more than my due ? Does a general statement like "big deal ...u only do housework " negate all my contributions to his life. Am I to be valued only as much as one values a maid/cook/general help ?.Im confused...

why does he treat me to expensive gifts n dinners n say he doesnt want me to pick up my career again and then turn around and say " you do nothing ........." Dont say it might be job stress by n large his career is going well and all jobs have a level of stress. Is he regretting "sacrificing " his mistress for the sake of our kid coz i had told him its either her or me n its been many years since then.....btw his mistress ditched him eventually as he wouldnt divorce me . Sometime i feel he "misses" her and that leads him to question me " if i add any value to his life " It baffles me becoz we have surmounted those tiresome times and we are pretty OK now ......not crazy about eachother , after his willful cheating i can never be crazy about him but we do have good times , take vacations together and overall life seems to be good. Then all of a sudden why does he grow condescending n ridicules my contribution ?

Please dont suggest "breaking off " - we are committed to be together for our child's sake. Children are too precious to be subjected to divorce but also they are too precious to be subjected to " ongoing tension" between parents.....so i want to just put a stop to that.

the best part his own mom has always been only a homemaker and he cant stop singing her praises , when my son was telling him how mch mom takes care of home n him , he told me "So what ? " its no big deal son.

while i was working he never moved a finger in the house , his contention i can afford to keep u at home so if u are working if ur choice that doesnt mean u expect me to share half in housework . If i take up a job again i will have to continue looking after home n my kids responsibilities all alone only

Answer 1

I think your husband knows how to get you going lol. Your contribution to his life is extremely important without having you there by his side as a life partner things would not run as smoothly as they do,,remember though that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence while it may seem that he progresses every year within his job setting I am sure it takes a lot of sacrifice, hard work and time away from you and his child something that I am sure he is not always happy about when he makes statements about "oh its only house work" I think he is reitterating the fact that " My dear wife if you only knew that the house work you do does not take the mental tole on you that my job does on me" you might see it a little clearer it does not mean that he thinks that what you do is less important I think he envys you at times he may see that you being able to stay at home and, to him, retreat into some "quiet" time, seems pretty enticeing he would probably like to stay at home at times and just be himself and spend time with his family he knows that he cannot afford that luxory he wants to make sure that you and his child have all that he can provide you without you having to worry about it. Simple statements to each other and explanations of appreciations go very far. When he says to you "of course i appreciate what you do here" what he is saying is that you are extremely important and that he values you very much..for some reason at times I think Men get the idea that we can mind read lol maybe you could start taking some classes at school again or pick up some work out of the house let him know that although you appreciate that he does all that he is doing to support the family, you want to enhance both your lives by giving yourself something to do with the extra free time you have now that you have raised your child (I don't know how old your child is I am assuming at least school age). Once he see's that both of you will be sharing at least some of the household chores..he I am sure will start looking at you with more admiration and appreciation. Good Luck!

Answer 2

Being a stay at home mom, wife, cleaning and cooking is alot more than doing nothing, let him come home and do it and see how much "nothing" is, and he will sing a different tune, don't put yourself down, raising a child is hard work, and if he does not want you to go back to work then what does he want from you, I would suggest writing down everything you do in a day, from getting your child ready, cleaning, running around, caring for him and you may be suprised about the amount of work you do, and show him how much you do, then if he still does not think you do enough ask him what else you should be doing?? It does not seem like he is respecting all you do. Stand tall, not everyone can do what you do!

Answer 3

My husband has said this to me before and I stopped doing everything for him when he ran out of clean underwear or clothes for work then he wanted to talk about the problem and i let him know Just b/c i don't bring money into the home i have a job and that is raising our child and doing everything in the house by myself and after that he respected what I did and does appreciate it and we have had no problems since then. I believe you hit it on the button that he sometimes misses the mistress and that's why he is saying these things to you. Communicate with him and let him know how you feel It is easy to Forget what he did but it is difficult to forgive what he did, you need to rekindle your love for each other and pick-up those pieces that had him cheat once before.Was this ever solved? I agree you should give your child a happy and loving home but you are only fooling yourself thinking your children don't know your hurting. Good Luck!!!

Answer 4

yes my husband said that once! and only once. I stopped folding his laundry much less put it away, stopped cooking, cleaning, paying bills, everything.

He knew, and after a week and a half he finally ask me why I had stopped, I responded, " Well, you said that my job was no big deal it was not like I was getting paid to do it..." So,... I quit! now I get complements and he does the dishes in turn with me and my daughter. Being a Mom and a house wife is a big responsibility and do not let anyone tell you any different. because if they do tell them to do it themselves, He will change his tune to a different beat real quick!
It is not easy and you can't leave and go home like the guys do,... leave all your problems at 'work' it is a 24-7 commitment. Let him try it for a while and do not succumb to his threats.
reality is he would not be so successful if not for a supportive wife, women are the back bone for there husbands, they just do not want to admit it, that would show weakness!

Answer 5

Until you find your own worth in your life, your husband will not. Value yourself and treat yourself as well as you would others that you value. Pamper yourself when you can as you do your other family members. Treat yourself as if you were your friend and be good to your friend.

p.s. the price of housekeeping went up along with all the other wages in this country and daycare and laundry service and general help.....it is valuable, it sounds like you two made a deal that you would care for the home and he would work but he has put more value on working than on the home and family (hard thinking to change, don't know if it can change) and the only thing I can think is for you to show him how valuable it is to keep a home and family well.

Answer 6

It's awful to feel as though your husband thinks you are taking a 'free ride' while he does all the hard work earning the money... but don't allow him to make you feel that way.
Your job is just as important as his! If he had to hire a full time cook, cleaner and babysitter he would realise that you are saving him a fortune!
I think you will reap the rewards of being a full-time Mum when you have raised a stable, well-adjusted child.
Surely he realises that if you were to put your child in care and take up your full time job that the household chores would have to be shared equally and he would have to contribute to cooking, cleaning, washing, babysitting etc... as you would both be working.
You are doing a great deal for him by taking care of your home, him and your child...don't ever let him make you think you aren't doing your share!

Answer 7

A woman staying at home and caring for her family while her husband goes out and recieves all the accolades and well dones and the children go out and have school, friends and activities is the most under appreciated person on this planet but also the most needed.

Serving others selflessly will be rewarded many, many times over. Not in this world, which only places value on what you look like, or how much money you make.

Your spiritual bank will be full. And that is the only bank that counts.

The world is wounded and in need of more women to heal it....one home cooked dinner, one load of laundry, one hour of helping with homework, one story read to a small child at a time.

And yes, I am a woman writing this.

Never for a moment underestimate a woman's worth in this world. Especailly a woman that selflessly puts aside her own wants and desires for others.

Answer 8

7 years here and this is the "at home mom's lament" for most. It is a fight we have had many times and it probably will not change, she just have to hope for the best and try suck it up. I mean is it really worth trashing your marriage over? Unless he is overly disrespectful to you, I would just tell him that it bothers you and how hard you work and move on. Or tell him you want to go back to work and see what he has to say about THAT! I'll bet he'll want to tell you you do a good job then!

Answer 9

The mistress cannot be held guilty. The mistress is a product in the market available for the best bargain customer. It is the husband (the customer) who is guilty and who is to be exclusively faulted. The customer (husband) by law and/ by socio-religious oath is married to his wife, and hence his loyalty should be with his wife. Even if the wife is a very abusive person yet it cannot be an excuse to any extra-marital affairs in the part of the husband. The same is applicable for the wife too. If the wife is cheating, she is to be faulted. We by default tend to fault the mistress. That is wrong.

Answer 10

Why would he stop this behavior- when you allow it and enable him? Grab some moxie and make some changes, gf!!
I personally would not stay in a situation like that....and you could continue to parent effectively as single parents. Kids would rather be from a broken home than LIVE in a broken home. Your actions (or non-action) speaks volumes to y oru child. What message are you sending? Hopefully not the "doormat syndrome" - I wish you well.