I lost my BABY twice..?

Question

I lost my second baby on October 5, 2007... the first one was completely unexpected we had no idea we were pregnant...and we lost HER on MARCH 17, 2005...this time however, it has been devestating for me, although the first time was horrible also this time the baby wasn't planned but we were ready and almost expecting to get preggy...my husband blocks sh*t rather well and only cried in the doctors office...like last time we lost the baby... I pretend to hide it but little things (babies in supermarkets, baby magazines, commercials, ANYTHING BABY) makes me wanna just brake down and cry....he can pretend AMAZINGLY well...it drives me NUTS that he can do this..even though i dont cry hardly at all anymore...(I only cried(sobbing) for the first 3-4 days BOTH times) even though THIS time I do cry more often and i can't pretend NEARLY as well..... I feel like i am going CRAZY!!! My husband seems upset sometimes but not very often...Does ANYONE know what could cause him to do this??!!

Answer 1

hes trying to deal with everything himself and to be strong for you since as society draws it - for him to be the rock....i lost twins when i was 6 months along- had to have a surgical removal days after finding out they had passed- i had to be medicated to not "fall apart" .... afterwards we gave ourselves some time toemotionally recover from it all -we communicated alot so we could understand how each other was feeling or if we thought something might help ...and tried again,...after almost a year of trying i got pregnant only to miscarry a month later , then exactly one month after all that along came our daughter.....i suffer from a rare genetic skin disorder and can have complications that can cause they pregnancy to be unsuccessful- i was very stressed through out everything only keeping it together enough to get throught it- i had a kidney stone while pregnant requireing surgery with baby inside and yet its amazing what our bodies are capable of....as for pregnancy how do you recover from a loss- one thing i can say works is Hope.....and when you do have your baby im sure youll value them more from your experience- turn it into something that gives you drive and determination to get through all of it...it wont be easy and never is....and as for your hubby im sure his heart is in as many pieces as yours but he may just have a different way of dealing with things- I asked my husband after everything how he remained calm and got through it -he said someone had to be strong..... if it bothers you that he chooses to keep his emotions inside talk to him- you two are the best support system for each other right now.....communicate how you feel and how he can help make you feel better-maybe by just talking to you and spending sometime together( take a bubble bath in the dark together) relaxing with each other because the person youd be spending it with is the person who lost someone too...Take Care....of each other. With love-it always helps heal the heart, no perscription necessary....

Answer 2

Dear friend I am saddened to hear of your pregnancy losses. You are going through an incredibly tough time and experiencing some very valid emotions. There is no point in pretending everything is ok when you have lost two precious lives. We all grieve differently so don't expect your husband to express things the same as you or at the same time. Male and females process things differently too. Your response sounds very normal. Talk to good friends and contact organisations that deal with pregnancy loss and grief. I wish you well. My heart goes out to you.

Answer 3

Dear Love,

The loss of a child is so horrific that no one could come up with the words to comfort you. What I really hear in this text is that you feel anger toward your husband for not expressing more grief or being more emotional than you. He probably feels devastated but wants to be "strong" for you when you need him to be a bit weak.

You must realize that even if it didn't happen in his body that he feels the same pain. He is not pretending. Perhaps he is crying on the inside. I know that this is not what you expect to hear but please be loving and patient with your husband. It is his family line which is lost and he feels helpless to do anything.

This is the time for you two to band together. Respect his right to grieve the way he needs to grieve. Allow him to be a man but tell him that if he feels sad you are there for him. The same thing happened to me in reverse. My husband broke down when we lost our adopted child. I had to take care of the details, the paperwork, his medical information and to talk to the social worker and such. I had to be strong to communicate and insure the health of the baby. My husband told me a week later that I didn't feel as sad as he did. How dare he? I thought. Are tears the only measure of saddness? Where was he when I needed him? I cried alone when he was at work and by the time he came home I compensated by comforting him. So you see the inner dialouge can be vast. Be loving to your husband because he cries for you and the babies. God Bless you in your future attempts.

Answer 4

You poor baby. I had 3 miscarriages before my first baby. I cried lots of times amd my husband bottled it up. I was working as a midwife at the time, so you could imagine how hard it was for me the first few days back at work. I had people at work pressuring me about having a baby constantly, so it can be hard. I now have 2 healthy children who are teenagers. Guys just bottle things up, it does not mean they do not care, they just do. Girls need to talk about it.
let yor body recover before trying again. Do not pressure yourself too much. Good luck

Answer 5

He's trying to be a "man". My husband did that for a while after our miscarriage. about 2 week we ended you arguing about something totally different ( I think it was about housework or something to that nature), and for some reason he just broke out in tears. I didn't know what was going on so I just held him. After he stopped crying he told me that he was crying about the miscarriage. He said that it took awhile for it to set in. I'm kind of glad that he didn't get emotional when I did. we have a 9 month old that needs to be taken care of. When I was depressed, crying, and blaming myself, he was strong enough to be there for me and my son at the same time. Once I was strong enough, he started to express his feelings about the miscarriage. Your not going crazy. Believe me, I thought that same thing. Its his way of trying to hold things together. He will soon show his feeling about it. When he does you won't expect it.

Answer 6

He might be trying to be strong for the both of you. My partners like this,he hold things in for so long, then BANG!!! He explodes, so its not always a good thing to do, maybe you should try talking to him about losing the baby, tell him its ok for him to cry,just try and get through to him, its all you can really do.Everyone has there different ways of dealing with things.

Answer 7

Guys don't understand that we don't always need them to be tough and emotionless. I recently lost my little brother in a car accident, and my husband flat-out told me he would cry, but not in front of me. I needed him to show emotion, but he didn't. I seriously got the impression that he didn't care.

I feel that they think they have to be strong for us, and the only way to do that is to act like it doesn't bother them. I wish I could tell you how to get through to him. I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope it gets better.

Answer 8

I'm sure he still hurts and thinks about it, but most men don't get as emotional as women, especially not in public, he may express it in a different way, (getting angry over little things) he is not trying to make your loss insignificant he is just dealing with it in his own way. As someone else said he is also probably trying to be strong for you.

Answer 9

He is trying to be strong for both of you. It is very common for guys to try to keep their spirits up, or at least pretend to, in really bad situations so that they can be supportive of the ones who are falling apart a bit more. He is handling it differently than you, and that's okay. He is doing the best he can think of doing--for both of you.

Answer 10

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