Cheating spouse... What would you do if you were me?

Question

This is a follow up to this question.... http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20071020181940AAFGqaX&r=w

Gonna be long-winded. I apologize and appreciate that y'all may not like reading this. No hard feelings.

I checked the call-log in my husband's phone and got the phone number of the person he was talking to when he said what I posted in my other question (link above).

I decided that I had to find out for sure before making any accusations. So I created a VOIP (Internet phone service) account and chose the same number as hers with the only difference being one number off on the area code. I figured my husband wouldn't notice the one different digit.

I used that phone number to send him text messages pretending to be "the other woman".

This is the conversation:

me ("the other woman"): r u still awake? changed my mind. i do wanna give u a chance.
my husband: yea, i'm here. do u mean it?
me: YES!! i'm @ home. can u come over? i want u & need u.
my husband: do u really want me 2 come?
me: i said YES. can u please come? i'm already naked.
my husband: damn right. c u when i get there.

I was pretending to be asleep when he finally came down stairs. The chair he usually sits in is positioned where he couldn't see me on the couch. So I opened my eyes to observe him after he sat down. He had his head in his hand. He went back upstairs after a few minutes. He never went anywhere.

Of course, I knew then that he had at least been talking sh*t to some woman. I finally decided that I'd call her and see what she had to say. She told me that they hadn't done anything physical other than long hugs, that she works with him, that they have been talking on the phone and having lunch together for a few months

And she said that he told her he was married but was filing for divorce soon. I was very polite and let her know that I don't blame her, that I blame HIM and just want answers. She thanked me, told me that she had no idea he's still with his wife, and promised to leave him alone. Not much time went by before she called me claiming to have spoken with a co-worker. She suggested that I look through his things to see if I could find his last work evaluation. We were cut off before she could continue, but I took her advice.

His work evaluation included a write-up (for inappropriate behavior) which basically said that he had been leading on female co-workers and then "dropping" them. Well, after he woke up, I busted him (but only on the fake text messaging and not about the rest). He admitted to pretending to take women up on offers and coming onto women. He pretty much repeated the contents of his evaluation but in different words.

He went on to explain that he has been allowing attention to "go to his head". (He's been working out for a while and has been getting more "play" from women.) He claims that he never intended to do anything physical with anyone but was instead feeding his ego. We went back and forth (with him apologizing and me yelling and tearing up the house).

Ok, so I've reconciled myself with the strong possibility that he might not have done anything sexual with someone else. But now I'm distrustful. (I think I have plenty reason to be distrustful.) After all, that kind of crap can easily lead to having affairs. We've been together for several years, so I don't want to throw us away over what might have been temporary bull sh*t. But, at the same time, I don't want to set myself up for something that I could prevent right now.

What would you do?

Thanks for your patience and consideration.

Answer 1

Okay Sweetness
You've asked -- so, here it is ......
You've nailed the dude down on one major issue here -- being a pseudo "playa" ! You, by your own investigations have come up with his biggest infraction -- "playing mind games with his female co-workers" -- AND -- you've come up with a reasonably good answer for this (his new found personal pride in his psyhical changes) -- but, it seems that he is still faithful TO you in essence !!
So, don't go adding insult to injury here by making your home life such a raging hell over this that he starts thinking in terms of finding someone to "console him" to get over a raging fire within his homeplace !! In other words -- don't start up a "self fulfilling prophecy" by making things so intolerable at home that the situation actually DOES drive him into someone else's arms !!
After "some time" together -- things can become ordinary and somewhat "for granted" for both people in a relationship -and, there should -- from time to time -- be changes and additions TO the relationship to keep that spark and newest alive !! This is the area that the TWO of you need to start exploring together ! HE also, needs to know that YOU can find other men for attention just as easily as he can find women interested in him ! So, he's not feeling quite so "cocky" about his "prowse" here !!
So, time for a SETTLED sit down conversation or two -- let him know that this latest "junk" won't be tolerated and that if that is the way that it is going to be --- YOU won't be a part of it ! But, that you want him for yourself -- and that is the only way that it CAN be ---- From there, the two of you are going to HAVE to find a way to renew the fire of passion between the two of YOU --- and, in THAT is your only salvation here !!
BUT, working together -- if that is what you both want -- it won't be THAT difficult to make happen !!

Hopefully the two of you will get this all behind you and get to a brand new FIRE in the relationship !! Here's wishing you both the absolute best IN THAT !!! ♥

Answer 2

First of all, i don't wanna dig into what lead him to do this and so. But as i believe, that women, usually are being hurt by emotional relations as much as the physical ones. You are pretty responsible for being a loving wife and want to keep what have been done in your life together, but, you have to have a real conversation both of you and give him no chance to say his bull s*it. If it has to be an honest he has to cut the cr*p. He will say that he is sorry, and he wasn't in his full mood and conscious, well that's bull s**t.
Let me tell you something about us, men, we usually feel sorry, and really sorry for being busted and for not hiding the relationship in a good way. So, if you really want to solve this, have a real, calm, serious talk with him. Maybe he was wrong for his act, but also you have to find what was missing from your side. If i leave my home full and perfectly fine!! why should i look to eat outside???!!!
Please note, am not telling you that its your fault any way, nor trying to put the blame on your side. But our nature, the men, is very simple in this side of life, we like to know that we are still wanted specially from our wives, we usually send hidden messages for them asking for things we usually see outside, in a TV, a magazine or in a past relationship. Don't ignore these little things for they are very important and they're only the tip of the iceberg.

Wishing you all the best with your life and marriage

Answer 3

okay- i read your last one- so I was kind of glad to read up on what happened afterwards.... I'm so sorry that you're going through this. One thing I can say for sure is, that even though there is a possibility that he has not actually engaged in anything physical with another woman- he sure as hell thought about it and put himself in these situations- which cause his statements to be questionable. Will you ever truly believe that he truly never touched another woman? no. because he put himself in this situation. This all boild down to what he means to you. Is your marriage and your feelings for him strong enough to endure distrust for just about the rest of your lives? the thought in your mind everyday that he may or may not, has or has not ever been having an affair?
If he was trying so hard to have one- or looking to feel like he still "has it"...... wouldnt it be hard to keep wondering if he ever really did, or if he may still?
Seek counseling first and foremost. It is entirely up to yoyu what level of distrust and insecurity you are willing to put up with. Will it be worth the loss of self worth? can you recover?

Answer 4

Well I would dump him. Be real, there are several other women. Do you really think your marriage can be happy now? Will you ever be able to trust him? He kept alot hidden from you. It's not like he felt bad and begged your forgiveness you had to bust him. Sorry chickie I don't see it working out. Affairs aren't just sexual. He was still cheating on you.

Answer 5

I would like to compliment you on your sneaky text thing. Wow. What a great idea, smart woman!
How are you ever going to trust him again? You can live without trust in a marriage (I do) but it's not pleasant. Good luck, I wish the the best.

Answer 6

o, boy, that was long. but i read it till the end and here what i would say - i would leave him immediately and without any regrets. this is his nature - he likes women attention. as i prefer to be the only one for my man i would leave. but if u don't mind his innocent flings - just keep your eyes close tight and u will be fine. but do not hope that he will change - he will not. and do not try to critisize him and blame him and be histerical - he doesn't see anything wrong in what he is doing (well, honestly speaking i don't see anything bad in that either). but u asked what i would do - i prefer to be the queen for my man and have his undivided attention, and this form of coexistence is not appropriate for me. so i would dump him

Answer 7

Give your marriage anew founDATion,from the day you guys married that dat should be celebrated in some way forgive another but if this happens again - remember your vows. Good Luck

Answer 8

He got caught this time. He will continue to do this. He will learn better to hide it. I would say that he has done it in the past and you just did not catch him. If it were me, I would give it up now. He will hurt you again. Good luck.

Answer 9

Buy him a set of eyeglasses; you are an extremely beautiful woman and any man would be lucky to have you.

Show him the door and find someone who will appreciate you.

Answer 10

Listen, advice from someone who wasted ten and a half years thinking that kind of behavior would change and I will tell you that it doesnt. Get out while you can, not now but right now!