Coming Day
by Dag Drahmr
A dark shroud cloaks the world,
nature stretches trying to come awake.
Homes with dimly lit squares,
line the byway.
Eyes crawl out of the haze,
moving down the hill.
Eastern glow flex its muscles,
shoving the shroud aside.
Dawn approaches,
promising wonders to see.
2007-10-22 18:31:55 · 10 answers · asked by Coop 366 7 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
"shroud" is cliche for night, does not suit the more refreshing tone of the entire poem. "shroud" conjures thoughts of death, evil, spooky, mourning, etc. I am assuming your vision is about natural lucidity and objective eye rather than subjective eye.
I see your capitalization pattern, but capitalize "nature" as an entity to differentiate how you mean to personify it from any secondary subtle meanings for "nature" that your reader carries with him.
"dimly" is cliche. Choose a word that has more bite, that continues to seduce with the lucidity of your tone.
Readers will stumble on "Eyes crawl out of the haze". It makes the mind's eye whip back up to that earlier word, "shroud" and makes one wonder, "Hmmmmm. Perhaps this poem is indeed supposed to be a haunting." The image of "eyes crawling out of the haze is confusing, causes the poem to lose the lilting rhythm it had up until this point. I truly do not perceive the image you intended.
Love this next line: "Eastern glow flex its muscles", although tense is strained to read aloud.
Last lines are sharp. I'd break pace and use "behold" rather than "see".
I like this poem, Dag Drahmr. Patois
2007-10-22 18:50:35 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
Hello Coop!
What a lovely and meaningful poem! Each day brings us new opportunities, a wakening renewed if only our hearts would hear and our eyes see. From the darkness of our rested beings comes the promise of the sun to warm us and the chance to begin again.
2007-10-23 15:29:42 · answer #2 · answered by Chris B 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I enjoyed reading this poem very much. Each word, I can see, was carefully chosen and has an impact. The imagery continues, unbroken, throughout the poem. And I so love to visualize a poem as I read. Nice theme too.
2007-10-23 09:01:52 · answer #3 · answered by Marguerite 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is beautiful and almost spectral in its sense of presence, Coop. I have read so little of your stuff that I forgot how powerful it is. You seem almost to communicate better this way than simply texting a letter. Thank you for the artistic uplifter!!
2007-10-24 00:24:03 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow. Nice poem. I was never good at poem analysis, so I'll just read somebody else's explanation :)
2007-10-23 03:18:24 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Cool!
2007-10-23 01:37:16 · answer #6 · answered by discoveryman 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Excellent use of personification.
2007-10-23 13:31:10 · answer #7 · answered by SavvySue 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
not bad . I seldom read poems
2007-10-23 10:46:09 · answer #8 · answered by Grand pa 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
what will become of you,or me. like the beatles say (let it be!!!!!!!)
2007-10-23 01:40:14 · answer #9 · answered by jackdanielsbaby 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
simple yet rich and nice........and i got the message clearly......
2007-10-23 01:40:04 · answer #10 · answered by makerzZz........** 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋