I'm 25 and just got a divorce a month ago. We were married for 5 years. My ex-husband had a bad temper, couldn't hold down a job (he got into arguments with every boss he had) , we fought all the time, he was married twice before and just became unbearable to be with. He would snap in a second.
I'm happy to be free and to be able to find the right person for me. I want children some day with a man that share my goals and values in life. Will ever find him? I feel like nobody will want someone that is divorced--like I'm "damaged goods" or something.
I'm so lonely but feel like I should be alone for a while. How can I get over feeling like a failure and a loser? Do other people see me that way?
2007-10-22 16:57:48 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Good job on not having kids with that loser!
Also - I'm 26 and very recently re-married. I thought the same thing... loser, used... blah blah. I ever have a kid. I just toodled along for a few years, living life, "finding myself" ha! Really though - just chill out. You have no idea when and where you are going to meet "him". Be patient. Life goes by so fast that it will happen before you know it. (I just married a man that is incredible). I didn't look for him at all - no bars, no online dating crap, just happened to meet... good luck and enjoy the newfound freedom!!
2007-10-22 17:20:44 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
You sound like such a smart cookie and I think that even though this will be hard to deal with, it will get better eventually because you sound like you have a good core to you. Even at 25 you know what is right for you and where you want to go.
Yes it will be hard, and lonely at times but don't ever ever feel like a failure. If someone looks at you in that way, it is their issue and not yours.
You lost something that you hoped would work out. It is like a death and you must give it the right amount of time to work through it. You know what to do sweetie, you sound really sensible and that will help you through some tough times.
We all make mistakes and some make worse ones then others. You are not a loser though. And you are right, you do need to be alone for a while. Don't jump on to the next thing that comes along. Be your own hero right now! I've been through something similar and I felt at times that the world looked at me like a huge loser too. Now, I look back and I am so much further ahead that I feel like a winner.
For me I still have feelings of failure, it's human nature but without my mistakes I would not be who I am today. Five years from now you will only be 30 and in a great place! You watch! Best of luck.
2007-10-22 17:10:26 · answer #2 · answered by Mrs. Moltisanti 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I got married for the first time when I was 15. I was pregnant and he took off when the baby was 7 weeks old. My first divorce was finalized when I was 16. I felt awful. Then, to make matters worse, my mom tried to talk me into getting married again to a guy who needed a green card! He was going to pay me $1000. My mother actually became angry at me when I wouldn't do it! She said, "You're 16 and you've already been married once. What difference does it make?" I took that to heart and decided I was damaged goods. So, at age 20, I met someone who wanted to marry me. I did it because I figured I was lucky to find someone who would have me. That marriage was a disaster. He moved out while I was pregnant. At that point, my self-esteem plummeted. At age 26, I did it again. This time, the guy was an even bigger loser because I just didn't feel like anyone decent would have me and I didn't feel like I could make it on my own. But I was determined not to be divorced a 3rd time! You can imagine how low I sunk when he became violent and I realized I would, indeed, have to get divorced again. That was one of the worst feelings I've ever known. I spent a year and half alone just concentrating on becoming independent and taking care of my kids. I got a good job, my own place and my self-esteem back and was just enjoying my own company. Then one day, out of nowhere, I met a truly great guy. He's now my boyfriend and he is very accepting of my past. You can recover from this and you are right, you need to take some time to yourself before you get back out there. Good luck!
2007-10-22 17:28:41 · answer #3 · answered by The Naughty Librarian 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I know you must feel awful about yourself right now because he took every ounce of selfconfidence from you. I understand you feel this way but you shouldn't. It is not your fault you got divorced. You wanted him to be the one but it just didn't work out because the guy was a jerk. So why give him the satisfaction that you think so low of yourself? So he can win? When you first met him and got him Im sure you felt good because he was the guy you wanted and you got him. You think that couldn't happen again just with someone better?
For now however, I think you should wait with a relationship. Just take care of yourself. Take up a hobby, go to a spa, do something you wanted to do but couldn't, let life show you that you are beautiful and worthy of love. As soon as you feel just a little bit better about yourself, you'll see how visible it will be on you. You will be a guy magnet. But please don't give up!
I know how it feels to be lonely and how hard is it. Could you do something with girlfriends? If not, then still do things on your own. Wow yourself.
I am 22 years old and felt like I'm an unloved loser many times. I know how it feels thats why Im saying you have to do something for yourself before you fall into depression.
Email me if you need to talk:) Good luck
2007-10-22 17:10:25 · answer #4 · answered by jj 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are NOT a loser. You stood up for yourself and demanded respect. You were courageous enough to get a divorce instead of staying in a bad relationship for convenience. You know you deserve better; you are willing to be by yourself, to be strong, to have children, to find the right man for you... how does all this make you a loser? On the contrary, you are a brave woman who values herself and is allowing herself to have a chance to be happy and achieve her goals. Loser? I don't think so. I got a divorce and met a great man. I wasn't only divorced, I also had a baby boy before I met my prince charming. He thought -and still thinks- I was the most wonderful creature that walked the earth -he's so cute!- So never say again that you're "damaged goods" 'cause you're NOT! You're more mature, more experienced, more well-rounded, more of a woman; you've been with just one man for five years (not in and out of many relationships)..must I say more?
2007-10-22 17:10:58 · answer #5 · answered by MiaMonique 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
People do not see you as a loser. It is alright to get divorced. You were not happy and it does not sound like you ever would have been in that situation. Good thing that you did not throw a few kids into the mix. You will find Mr. Right. He is out there. You don't have to announce to everyone that you are divorced. If you meet someone and are getting to know him then you tell him. He probably won't blame you either. Go out with friends for a while and enjoy your freedom. Make yourself happy. Good luck.
2007-10-22 17:44:56 · answer #6 · answered by kim h 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No one sees you that way. No one will feel u are damaged goods unless you feel that way about yourself cuz they will have to deal w your low self image. It is way better that you got out of a bad relationship. You are only 25 anyway yo have plenty of time to find that right one and have a loving family. Don't think you failed because you quit a that guy. Just think if you stay w him 15 more years then you would be 40 and trying to start dating that might be hard. I would say not to be alone but also dont fill your bed with just any guy to not be alone. Hang out with friends and if that is not a good option(they were his friends too) then go make new ones!! Go to the gyn and meet people, take some classes. Try meeting people where u would be doing something u enjoy so that you already have that in common w them!! It will all heal with time just remember to love your self!!
2007-10-22 17:08:47 · answer #7 · answered by sha_rod2001 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Most people I know that are married are either having marriage difficulties or are seperated. Well, you don't have kids, so many guys would probably want to start a family with you as long as you are not in debt due to the divorce. Even if you are in debt, some guy will go for you. If you had kids you may end up with a guy who also has kids and you two could do the whole stepfamily thing, which I've seen more times than I would have liked, but life ain't perfect. Or some single guy would decide to semi-adopt your kids, I've seen that happen too. But I've seen loads of marriages fail when the people were in their 30's, 20's, and even teens. So don't feel too bad. If it makes you feel any better a friend of mine got married at 15 and split up (not divorced) when she was 16 or 17.
2007-10-22 17:08:36 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Honey,
First of all, you need time to download the last 5 yrs. Now you know what not to look for in a mate. When you settle back into your skin, make a list of good qualities and traits you want in a mate, then the same list goes for yourself. You will find that someone, or actually they will find you. I don't see you as a loser or failure, I see that you had the courage to get a divorce and get out of a bad relationship(IE you are NOT an ENABLER!) If you feel lonely, get out and get moving. Walk around, talk to people, donate or volunteer some time at a food bank or help out at a soup kitchen. Take the time that you need for yourself--focus on you for now. You will know when you are ready to settle down and don't settle for anything less than what you truly deserve.
God bless,
Cathy
2007-10-22 17:07:19 · answer #9 · answered by Cathy H 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
26, two long term relationships that went nowhere, looser? I think not! Your not a looser, he is. You sound like you are in the right place and sound like you know exactly what you need to do and have sorted out how you feel. I say good on you!
No children? Even better. Failure hardly. Inspiration definatley. The only people who are failures are those who do nothing to change an unhappy situation.
By the way, take off your wedding ring and no one will ever know you were married. 25 is so young, have some fun and take your time. You have an oportunity to start a whole new life and be whatever you want to be.
2007-10-22 17:08:19 · answer #10 · answered by Piscean 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋