Disrespect of personal boundaries and joint custody of kids....?

Question

I've moved in with my BF, we are getting married in the next few months.
His ex- wife has been asked several times not to come into our house... on four occasions now she has just walked in when she drops off the kids. (4) comes into our kitchen and walks through the house.... always when I'm not at home

Someone please..give me some suggestions on how to diffuse this constant drama!!
Why is she doing this?
How can we communicate to her that her time with the kids is her time.. we don't intrude or interfere with her household and we don't want her intruding and interfering in ours.

She won't take no for an answer.... and purposely causes problems when it comes to the kids. Help.

Answer 1

Is your BF at home when she does this, or are the kids coming into an empty house? If there is no one home when she brings the children, maybe she just wants to make sure it is safe. I wouldn't just dump my kids in an empty house and drive off. Does he owe her money? That could be a huge bone of contention.

But if your BF is home and it's not a money thing, she is probably just consumed with jealousy and can't resist sniffing around to see what you have that she doesn't have, what he has bought you that he never bought her, etc.

It's difficult enough becoming a part of a man's life when he has four kids (!), without having to deal with his ex -wife's unresolved conflict, as well. You've already made your case very eloquently above. "How can we communicate to her that her time with the kids is her time.. we don't intrude or interfere with her household and we don't want her intruding and interfering in ours." Says it all, really. Your husband should be the one making this clear. If she still refuses to cooperate, then you must institute a new rule. Someone will definitely be home when the kids arrive, and that person will walk out to the car, greet her, get the kids and their things and she will drive away. It's your house and your life that is being infringed on. Stand up for yourself, be consistent, don't expect overnight success, and she will eventually learn her place in regards to your life.

Answer 2

My sympathies to you and the kids. There are two aspects to decide: how responsibilities and decision making for the kids will work after the divorce, and how much time the kids will spend with each parent. There are no easy answers. If you both get along and generally agree in how the kids are being raised, there should be little difficulty in sharing the parental responsibilities. If you have had difficulties all along on agreeing on even simple things like church attendance, sports participation, and where to attend schools, it would probably be better to vest one parent with that responsibility. If you fight for sole custody out of vindictiveness or because you want that power to yourself, that is your decision, but don't be surprised if ten years down the road the other parent isn't very supportive when you have difficulties rasing your teenager. I speak from experience on this one (I am the non-custodial obviously). As for how the time the kids spend with the individual parents is decided, I have seen a whole slew of different ways this is done. If the parents live near each other, similar time distribution can work pretty well and seems to me to be the fairest for the kids. But reality intrudes sometime and sometimes it is best for the kids to live primarily with one parent. There is no right answer. You need to always consider the kids when making this decision. What will be best for the kids, because the split will be tough on them and (normally) they love both parents and shouldn't be made to choose sides. That is the best advice I can offer, and I wish you all the best and hope that the impacts of the change are the absolute least possible on all concerned.

Answer 3

She doesnt know her bounaries thats for sure. Buy a screen door and have it locked. Keep the outer door locked, so she has to knock at the door. When your partner opens the door, with the screen door locked. Say...."Thanks for dropping the kids off....see you later". If she continues to just stand there, repeat what he just said. He has to be firm. He has to make it clear that this is his time with the kids and she is not welcome. If he has to say it in front of the kids, so be it. They shouldnt get upset because their father is showing them that he wants to spend time with them alone. He doesnt have to be rude.....just keep that screen door shut and show her she cant come in unless she is invited. If she wont go away, tell the kids to come around to the back door by themselves and he will let them in.

Alternatively, dont have her drop the kids at the house. Decide on a meeting place where she can hand the kids over...that way she never has to come to the house.

Answer 4

Lock the door, change the locks, when she walks in, shuffle her out the door. If your BF is expecting her at a certain time, he should be at the door waiting for her and open the door for teh kids, tell her a quick thank you and goodbye. Then she doesn't have the opportunity to enter the house without permission. If you don't have a set time to drop the kids off, then make one and make sure she sticks to it.

Answer 5

Tell your bf to tell her she can drop the kids off when you are home. If he is home he should be stopping her at the door with a thank you for bring the kids home and close the door. But, sense she is doing this when you aren't home you have the 2 options. One change the time when she is to drop them off so you are home or 2 meet her somewhere to get the kids so she is not coming to the home.

Answer 6

Lock the doors and meet the kids at the door when they arrive. Block entrance and barely let the kids past you. When they're all inside, close the door and lock it.

Answer 7

Keep the door locked. When she comes to drop the kids off, get the door.

Answer 8

keep your doors locked and get a nice dog. Also have DH stand at the door when she drops them off. It's BS and you can go back to court but it's a stupid reason. your DH should handle this firmly

Answer 9

She's trying to show you who's queen bee around the kids. Lock the door and make her knock.

Answer 10

Maybe we can get my ex and his ex together..my ex used to do the same thing, but with constant fussing at him..he stopped. Try to keep the door locked and if you need to change the locks..and the law can get involved if need be.