I am so Frusturated with my jobless boyfriend!?

Question

My Boyfriend and I had a fairly quick moving relationship. We have been together 3 years and have a 2 year old. He is a wonderful father and treats me really well. I love everything about him. ... here comes the dreaded BUT. He wont hold down a job... my parents have bailed us out of $$$ situation numerous times... he lies about why he isnt working anymore.. and then sits on the couch for weeks before he finally gets another job which he seems to get the "3month itch" I dont know what to do!!!! I am so indebt because of him.... and i stomache aches from being so stressed.... is it pointless to keep trying with him regardless of how much I love him?

Answer 1

Some additional thoughts: 1) Have you considered he may need treatment for depression? And that you may need treatment for massive enabling and codependence? 2) If your child is enrolled in childcare, I would take him out and inform dad that due to the need to save money, it is now HIS WORK to care for your child. There is NOTHING wrong with being a stay at home parent. It IS work, and work w/ a really lousy schedule, pay scale and benefits package. Taking care of a child and a home would go a LONG way towards justifying his existence, and might just be a really excellent situation for both dad and child in that it would give them a lot of time to bond and to become very close, that or a really good kick in the *** to go get a good paying job, b/c compared to staying at home all day with a two year old, work is a cinch! The deal MUST be however, that if he's at home, it's spotless when you get in, and dinner's hot and ready to be put on the table, the laundry's DONE, the floors are mopped, and the bathroom, bedrooms, kitchen, living room, dining room, etc. etc. are ALL orderly and clean. NO LOAFING around watching tv and playing videogames or being on the computer all day allowed. I think women can and do get stress-related diseases really easily. For some strange reason, they do not seem to understand or to see that THEIR failure to say, "NO!" and their inability to make (and stick to) good boundaries is what allows male bad dog behaviour to occur and to continue in the first place. "No" is the single most powerful word in the Universe, and until women learn to wield it and to use it well, they're not women, they're just little girls with way too many responsibilities and not nearly enough time. Your bf's mission is to grow up, become a man and get a damn job. Your mission is to stop enabling him, really look at whether staying with him is a good life plan or can in any way be worked out, and to come into your full power as an adult woman. Good luck. Growing up isn't very easy these days...I had an 18 yo living with me (my son's friend), who I just told to leave on October 1st. I can work with almost anything, but over 100 days to get and keep a job and lying and stealing from us besides? Please. To top it off, he NEVER cleaned up after himself, helped himself to our food whenever he wanted to until I had to put a stop to it, refused to listen to what I said were the rules for MY home, and stole $135 of my son's things when he left. There are people who REQUIRE very strong and harsh lessons. I am getting better and better at discerning who those folks are and giving them what they need when they walk on me. It's actually kind of fun to see what people are made of and to see how much they can and do lie to themselves. It's also made me a LOT more careful about who I will allow into my life, and into my home. He's sleeping in an unheated and unlit trailer in his girlfriend's parent's backyard right now. I hope he's extremely uncomfortable. Pain, loss, discomfort and misery are powerful motivators for most people. Let them be there, not as a cruelty, but as a teacher, perhaps the best one there is.

Answer 2

Sounds like a lot of stress (strife) because of this. He need to get into a "career" planning process...it does not have to cost anything. I've seen this before. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt one more time and assume that he really does not know what he wants to do; and, after all the work failure, job hopping he may be somewhat fearful of work and self-doubting at this point.

But do an internet serach for career planning and you can find some free sites. At least have him do a personality indicator...the Myers-Briggs is the most accurate one....that can show careers and jobs he is already naturally pre-disposed for! That way it becomes easier to determine how quickly he can find something he would ENJOY doing. I'm a career counselor at major mid-western university and I've seen this many times. Assuming no other problems, when we find something we like to do and realize we can earn a living at it self-esteem can rise and we begin a more positive cycle.

There are 16 different, unique personality types out there...a few of them struggle with career/job choice because they see good potential in every job they think of! Well, that is impossible. In addition some types "get down" on themselves quicker than other. By identifying his type you can both help the situation.
All the best!

Answer 3

My husband moved from job to job for a couple of years, with some good off time. I was worried. We split up, and something changed, now he works really hard, and makes great money, and has bailed me out of a lot of debt I occurred while we were split. Sometimes men need a swift kick in the butt.If I were you I'd leave him until he can hold down a job, lay down the law, or your dreams will never come true...love doesn't pay the bills.

Answer 4

Don't let this man stress you out!

Tell him he has to get a job asap, it's a mandate!

If he has to get a minimum wage job, then so be it!

Minimum wage is better than no wage at all!

Remind him that his 2 year old child is a dependent & he depends on him being the breadwinner.

Also, White Castle is always hiring & their pay scale is above the minimum wage.

He can easily work an 8-hour shift, simply because the restaurant stays open 24 hours.

Their employees are entitled to health care insurance.

Need I say more?

Don't listen to anymore of his tired & pathetic excuses!

Answer 5

I've been there sweetie and it's not something that you should leave him over. Guys are stubborn when it comes to keeping a job! Us woman we can stay at a place for YEARS but guys they get restless or bored or maybe their boss is an a**hole and they can't stand to work there any longer. What I finally had to do not only did we have to move in with my parents to get back on our feet but we set down together and I said you know "my finance name" I love you with all my heart and soul and I want to be with you for the rest of my life and I hope that you love me enough to want the same thing. And of course he is going to say yes he does, Then you are going to have to say well if you do then you are going to have to find some type of work that you like and even if you don't like what you are doing right now "You Can't Quit until you have some thing else set up to take it's place!" Cause for us to take care of each other then we are going to have to provide for each other. And I can't do it by myself. A marriage is 50/50 and you have to do your part. And that will help keep the stress level down and things will get better. I promise.. They have for us. We are now in our own house and he got to buy himself a 4 wheeler (something that he had always wanted) And we are not in so deep of debt that we can't breath!!! So the sun will shine for you again but you both have to work at it to get to that point!! Good Luck

Answer 6

This is not good for you or your child.

If you love him enough, like you say you do, then I would try and talk to him about how you feel, if he will not listen, then I would leave him for a few days or until he realizes how good he has it now, and when you are gone he will be miserable because he lost a good thing.

Sometimes seperations work, other times they do not, when I was first married, I was seperated from my husband and that gave me time to think about my marriage, I even took my daughter with me.

During the seperation process, it gave us time to talk on neutral grounds, and work out our issues, and eventually get back together. I am not saying it will work for everyone, but it worked for me and my husband and our daughter!!!

Honey, if you have done everything you possibly could, then leave him for a few days, the stress is not good for your child or you.

It is so unfortunate the children have to suffer through their parents hard times, protect your child, and leave him.

Let him know that he lost a good thing!

Answer 7

I've never seen a woman that would put up with it 3 minutes much less 3 years.You can't force him to change and he won't as long as you keep paying for everything and your parents bail you out.Cut off the sex until he gets a job and if that doesn't get out working then ask your parents for one more loan to find you and your child a new place to live and get a restraining order to keep him away from you.(I can't even get a DATE because I draw disability and can't work)Good luck

Answer 8

My son, though I love him, is the same way, his wife, a wonderful woman, wife and mother, holds down a job, is eight months preg and refuses to go off on maternity leave because they can't afford it. My son refuses to help her with the bills. He won't get a job. Won't watch their two year old son while she works, so she has to pay a baby sitter on top of all the other bills. She asked me one day what should she do.
She said she loved him, but............
I looked her dead in the eye and stated.
"Kick him out! A marriage is for two people to work on, not just one! Kick him out and find someone who will help!"
She just looked at me as though she couldn't believe his own mother could say this. Son or not he is a husband and father now HE NEEDS TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE OR GET OUT. period.

Answer 9

Since you indicate you love him - see if there is any way you can encourage him to get a job.

Explain that you feel a bit burdened by having to rely on your or his parents - and that you think it is time you guys managed for yourself.

Why doesn`t he hold down a job? That would be a key question.
If he just doesn`t care - then maybe he doesn`t care about you enough to try.

Answer 10

Is he ADD or OCD? My uncle had a chemical imbalance and would quit jobs when conflict or issues came up. The first 10 years of marriage to my aunt they moved 14 times! THEN he was diagnosed and put on medication and he has been on the same job the past 15+ years!

Have him visit a Dr. to make sure he is healthy and balanced!