What do you say to ignorant people?

Question

I am losing friends, not that I had that many to start with because although I am disabled I look okay. Its an invisable disability. I DONT go around moaning and groaning and asking for help. I put on a smile, grit my teeth and do what I can do. But whats going on inside is quite a different story.

I dont go to malls at all, only at xmas and then within half an hour I can hardly walk at all and the pain is so bad its all I can do to not cry, I head for my car concentrating on putting one foot in front of another to get there.

I dont go to movies, restaurants or anywhere I would have to sit for more than half an hour. If I go to the store and there is no parking close by I just turn around and go home.

I am so damn sick and tired of people who call themselves a friend getting on my case and saying things like "for Gods sake there is nothing wrong with you, you danced at the wedding so you must be fine" Yes I danced at my daughters wedding, I was determined to do that,

I took Demerol and Norflex, a muscle relaxer and had two glasses of wine on top of that, and I sat there determined NOT to mention my disabilities or pain because it was her special day, and YES, I danced at my daughters wedding because I was also determined to do that -

What the heck is wrong with people? I find myself avoiding more and more of these "so-called" friends because of their ignorant comments and attitude towards me.

As if I just chose to not work, live in poverty, do nothing, watch life pass me by and deprive my kids of everything most children take for granted.

I dont understand why people act this way, they dont have xray vision to see what my spine looks like - and this recent accident has completely hooped me.

It makes me so sad.

Answer 1

See little miss...you have friends here. Good ones that WILL stand by you.

My daily pains are nothing compared to yours, and mine are enough, thank you very much. I can only imagine just how much more you have to cope with.

Anyone rude and uncaring has no right to call themselves friend. I understood perfectly your need to dance at your daughter's wedding. (And it had ALMOST NOTHING to do with showing up the Ex's other!:)

My advice is to have a therapeutic blow-out at the next one who says "for Gods sake there is nothing wrong with you, you danced at the wedding so you must be fine". It will make you feel better, and after all, THEY are not real friends anyway, right?!

Answer 2

Apparently the so called people you considered friends, are
certainly not. Friends are sympathetic, and they offer encour-
agement and true friendship. They don't badger or ridicule.
And they certainly don't make insensitive comments saying
'there's nothing wrong with you'. You need to pitch these
superficial 'friends' out of your life and stop dealing with their
negativity. It tends to be catching. If they were to be in an
accident tomorrow that would alter their lives forever, only
then, would they be able to identify with the struggles some
people are unfortunate to have to bare. I have a couple of
friends who are in denial that I too am disabled. I think they
feel I am merely lazy and choose to sit more than stand. Or
to stay at home, rather than go out. I too deal with pain when
I stand too long, or walk too far. So I rarely go out, unless it's
to a doctors' appointment. What happened to the friend that
would take you out for lunch, her treat? When she knew you
couldn't afford the splurge? It was different, when you were
able to treat her, when she was broke and out of work. When
the shoe's on the other foot for some people, only then can
they understand. Some are too self centered and think only
of themselves. There are so few who are willing to give of
themselves to help others, without wanting anything in return
later in a pay back.
If you can count one person as a trusted and true friend,
then you are truly blessed. I have found that one person in
my life, and I hope you can find that one person too.

Answer 3

I feel for you. Hopefully being on Answers will give you the opportunity to give your point of view on subjects, assist people if they ask for it and see what else is going on in the world today. Please don't be angry, it will only hurt YOU. If there are people in your life who are judging you and have no compassion for your position, then just forgive them and let them believe what ever they want to.

Do a lot of good reading. Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, any author that will give you that extra something to realise that you are special and unique. There is so much you can do from your home. Try and make "what is going on inside" something more than pain and anger. You have to realise that there are people in this world that have no patience, tolerance, or understanding for those that are different than themselves. Because you are not acting as they think you should act, they are criticising and judging you. There is more to life than that, and I am sure that you will find it if you look in the right places.
There are two sayings that I use - I let go and let God - and - If I change my thinking I change my life.


I send you love and peace.

Answer 4

It's best to ignore them, nothing you say will make a difference. I have thyroid disease-untreated, no insurance. Even when I had medical attention, I don't function well at the 'normal' levels the dr wants to keep me at. I also have MCS (multiple chemical sensitivities) and allergies. Going/doing everyday things others take for granted is a big deal for me. Being near someone wearing perfume/cologne or the grass being mowed can cause a migraine/vomiting for days.

I also look like there is nothing wrong with me. I am the healthiest sick person you ever saw. I understand about your daughter's wedding. Sometimes there are things you just must do and we pay the consequences later.

Know you are not alone in this. There are others of us who feel the same way. I've repeatedly tried to tell people why I don't go here or there or do this or that. Most act like it's my fault by inconveniencing them a little, if they have to leave off the perfume. Let go of those who don't care enough to understand and hang on to the ones who do. Best wishes!.

Answer 5

Not that I want anyone to have a disability, but I sometimes think that the ones who have the obvious ones have a better edge than we do. My family and TRUE friends know my ups and downs, and they know that the things I can do today may not be manageable tomorrow. This summer I danced all night long at my best friend's daughter's wedding (and it felt wonderful!), but a week later the people there wouldn't have recognized me. Just totally down for the count. Many of us are in that same boat, Isotope, so know that we care and you're never alone. That's what we're all about....love and support, no matter what the challenge is. Hope that you remember that and always remind yourself where you can turn when you need a little cheer.

Gracie

Answer 6

First congrats on your daughter's wedding Isotope. You're having a really bad day today huh?

I don't know what to tell you, except perhaps it 's the people you are attracted to as friends. Maybe you need to redefine your criteria of what a friend is.

I wish I was closer to help you and be your friend.

None of us likes living in poverty and some days our disabilities are major pains in you know where.

However, for one brief moment, think of something you were happy about , that moved you so much you couldn't stand it . Make it positive and then say thank you for that.

Today in Niagara it was gloriously warm, brilliant blue sky , puffy white clouds. Trees haven't turned yet , because it's not been cold enough at night but it was beautiful. Not too many days like this left I fear so I enjoyed this one.

Answer 7

Many people will be able to identify with what your are suffering but only those that have experienced similar problems, those that profess to be friends are not always what they seem and some people can't handle illness.My own daughter in law has never once asked me how I am even though I have gone through radiotherapy for prostate cancer and she has not once picked up the phone. Yet my little neighbour next door who has her hands full with three children and a husband to look after rang me every day of my treatment to see how I was coping. That's what I call a true and loving friend, and I would do anything for that young lady and her family.

Answer 8

My goodness, I have been so there. I honestly feel for you. I have had so many back surgeries, bone removed, rods, pins, screws, plates that my butt crack goes to my shoulder blades. No one can see this unless I am naked, and lets face it folks, that would not be a pretty site.. I also have fibromyalgia and Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome, no one can see that either. The best website is to go to "invisible disabilities" and this should help you. People should understand that just because an injury or disability doesn't show on the outside, it is still very much there.
I have chronic sciatic nerve problems and one leg is shorter than the other unless you know what to look for, you wouldn't see that either.

Answer 9

Isotope, I am sorry to hear of your pain. I can't imagine taking pills and drinks to get you though a dance, how brave of you and i mean that. I know how hard it must be. I have been so lucky as I only have minor aches and pain but even with that don't want to go like I used to.
I hope you can find some comfort.
As for ignorant people, there is nothing you can say As they are ignorant. They are not going to listen. They saw you dance or at the store so that is it as far as they are concerned. Just let it and them go if you can.
Take Care.

Answer 10

Im sorry to hear about your injury. I have had a similar problem myself (I'm only 26). If your "friends" are being downright rude, just cut your losses. You can try to explain your problems to them in a more detailed manner, it may or may not work. Unfortunately not everyone is going to understand, but if they are your real friends, they will be patient and understanding. I had a back injury about 3 years ago that made it hard for me to do the simplest things. My boyfriend thought I was exaggerating or milking it because I didn't complain all the time. I had to sit down with him and explain that I am not the kind of person to constantly complain about pain and how I felt on a daily basis. I started to be more vocal about how I felt and he was more understanding. I don't know if the same approach will help you, but it won't hurt to try.

I don't know what kind of treatments you have had, but you should think about accupuncture. It was a godsend to me, because nothing was working. I was able to sleep a full nights sleep the night of my first accupuncture visit. Its not a cure, but it made my life easier.

Good luck, and if your friends don't turn around, then your better off without them, even if you feel lonely because of it.