Do you stay in a marriage when is stressing and draining?

Question

My husband and I have known each other for 10 years. We have two beautiful children and he haves 4 other children from a previous relationship.(Thank God 3 of them are grown now.)But sometimes, He comes home with a terrible attitude. I try to talk to him but all he says is he's tired or leave him alone. I think he's taking to much responsiblities because he doesn't let me pay bills. I can't get a credit card, buy my own car and i don't think the house is in my name. I feel really nieve for letting my husband control me. And now, I feel I helpless. Right now, I am staying for the kids. But I'm feeling frustrated. Does anybody have any advice for me please?

Answer 1

I can tell you that if you are only staying for the kids, then you should leave. In the long run growing up with the stress, fighting, etc., will be more damaging for your kids than being raised by a single parent who is secure, patient, loving and happy. And they will, of course, be able to see their non-custodial parent at set times, like weekends and holidays, etc., so they aren't losing their father they will just be gaining peace in their lives.

If you still love him and want your marriage to work, then you could try a number of things. The main one would be couple's counseling to imporove your communication, etc. However, if you feel that your husband controls you, then couple's counseling is not a good idea because in that situation you may feel unable to be completely honest and he may have the power to spin the situation to look differently than it really is. If this is what reality seems more like for you at home, then you could try individual counseling for yourself to cope with your marriage and home life, and the stress and hopelessness you feel and try convincing him to do the same to help him cope with his stress levels and any anger, anxiety, etc., he may have.

If you are feeling like you cannot leave because he controls everything, including the money and property. There are ways to look into the facts about this too. In the state where I live, everything is 50/50. That means that it doesn't matter if it is all in the husband's name, if a divorce should accur the wife would be entitled to half, regardless. You could look into your state laws to see how things would likely work out for you, if this is a route you are pursuing or even considering. Knowledge is always a good option. Most states also allow spouses to check account information, so even if all the credit cards, etc., are in his name you should be able to call the companies and get all the legistics of the accounts; including the names of card holders.

If I can be of anymore assistance to you, feel free to e-mail me. I used to be a paralegal, I've done volunteer work for Battered Woman's Services and I worked as an family advocate for over a year before I had to leave in June for my son's brain surgery/recovery.

Good luck to you, in whatever you decide.

Answer 2

First. realize he may be having an affair....reason for not letting you pay the bills...he cant let you see them. it may also be he cant let you see where all the money is. Spending on someone else? Putting some away ? Ten years is a milestone...Ive been married for 36 and its not been all peachy but we are stronger now. anyway about you. You do need to realize too that staying for the kids is a bad idea. they feel whats going on...and they may start to blame themselves bec they think they can fix it. Find a good counselor you trust. it may take a few trys. insurance usually will help you. get a job. keep busy and build yourself some credit. you will need it even if the marriage works out. unfortunately, he has a history too. the other kids. other relationship,. maybe a pattern. he may be having mid life questions. you just have to let him feel you are there without suffocating him/. But like I said, do some homework...do you know his friends? His whereabouts? Check him out. Theres nothing wrong with that. You are entitled to know. Visit him at work if you can....bring him a lunch or dessert. Notice everything....all the little things that may clue you in. Hopefully its not another woman but men are sometimes stupid and fall into traps. Good luck.....

Answer 3

If I were you whether he likes it or not i would start taking control little by little by doing whatever i want to do. If you want to pay a bill or get yourself a credit card than go right ahead some decisions you should be able to make on your own without his input. You shouldn't allow these things to frustrate you. You should also give him the same attitutude and treatment he gives you when he tells you leave him alone and things like that he will realize he doesn't like that treatment and he will get the sign.

Answer 4

Yes! sometimes these things pass in phases. Perhaps he is trying to protect you from harm in some way. I know many wives wish their husbands paid the bills!!! so don't feel too bad... amybe ask him if something is happening at work that is making him feel upset or angry. it's not right to take it out on you, but really think of the kid's lives. if you want them to have a happy marrige, one of the main keys is for you to have one. there is a higher chance that they will get divorced if you do. Unless he is physically abusing you, i really don't think that you should take that step. If you tried counseling, that might help too... I really hope you can resolve this! one more thing, if you tell him that you will be quick in talking to him, and that you think it is crucial to your marrige, he will probably listen. maybe tell him that you feel as though you are not a part of his life enough, and that you would like to share in the responsibilities... I hope that you will stay together!!
P.S. try A Weekend To Remember
It's a counseling/ getaway that will help you grow with your husband. :)

Answer 5

My wife and I just had our 5th anniversary. We have two kids. Last year in August I left her and we were seperated. I had the same type of attitude he does. I found that after 2 months that I couldn't go on without her. It took four months of trying to win her back and 2 months of counseling to try to work things out. Thank God it worked. Things are better now and our communication is better too (among other things!).
Don't give up unless abuse is a factor. Look at both routes, together, and see what best fits you, your husband and the kids... staying married or giving up on it. I hope things work out for all of you involved.

Answer 6

You are the only one who can make the right decission for you. If you are only there because you think it's what is right for your kids though, I think you are making a mistake. Also, you said that this man is controlling, is he abusive too? Is so then you should make every effort to leave, you are only setting bad examples for your kids when you stay with men like that. My mom left my abusive father when I was young and it was the best thing she ever did for me and my brothers.

Answer 7

This is not a relationship. I can see where this is heading, and I would suggest that you seek some counsel, from a Minister, Priest or perhaps Parents, his if you can get it. That is what men will do if they can get away with it, he is now distancing himself from you. and you need to take care of this now, the children may learn a lesson, especially if this comes to a good ending, with a good relationship, and you really become a family. My very best wishes and prayers are with you.

Answer 8

Well i am guessing that part of the reason that he is so controlling is due to your lack of self-worth. The fact that you don't even know if your name is on the house is a major warning flag. I would bet if you learned to stand up for yourself (and i don't mean confrontation), stand on your own a little and be aware of the things going on around you he would have more respect for you. If you always roll over and submit he will always dominate and control you. He may not even intend to do it but he does it out of self preservation. Put your helmet on and get in the game and he will have more respect for you.

Answer 9

You are nieve! How could you not know if your name is on the house. Staying for the kids does not work!!! If you want to work it out but for goodness sakes you must get a sense of independence or at least look out for your interest in case you guys do separate or divorce.

Answer 10

Talk to him about it. He doesn't sound very approachable, but by the sound of it something is troubling him. Say you wanna chat without argueing. Say that your willing to wait until he feels calm enough to talk reasonably. Or go out for a walk and talk. They always brings you closer. Talk it thru with him, you may be surprised on what he feels.

Take care x