What is wrong with my wife? Or is it me?

Question

My wife is starting to really piss me off. Friday, some co-workers invited me to go out for some drinks after work. I'd never gone somewhere after work. Just home. So I tell my wife about it & she flips. She said how can I want to spend time with 'other people' and not with her or the kids? I tell her it's only going to be for 1 hour or so, but still she doesn't budge.

I've tried giving her some time to go out & do whatever & I'll take care of the kids. But she'd rather spend her 'extra time' with me & the boys rather than going out. Isn't this her problem, not mine?

So I finally grind her to tell me what the real reason is. She says she's scared she's going to loose me & that she doesn't know what I'd do if the temptation was there. (She obviously doesn't trust me, but has no reason not to). She says she does trust me & that I'd be stupid to go elsewhere.

I just don't know what else to do or tell her... Any advice or similar situations? Please help

Answer 1

Your wife is feeling very insecure with herself for some reason. That is a terrible feeling. It really isn't the fact she doesn't trust you, it is her. If she felt better about herself she probably wouldn't flinch when you said you were going out with co-workers. Try to be understanding. Sometimes we just need a little reassurance....a simple hug and kiss from behind for no reason....flowers for no reason...just simple things. What ever you do...DO NOT tell her it is her problem and to get over it or get defensive. Yikes! Your world will crash, haha. Hug her and thank her for marrying you and tell her that you love her. Men sometimes think we are very complicated, we want too much and you have no idea how to fix our problems. The thing is, we don't want you to FIX our problems. We want you to listen and just be there for us. We really aren't that complicated or hard to please (OK, most of us). A simple hug or kiss can fix a lot. Especially if we don't feel attractive any longer. That kiss or hug tells us we still matter to you men even when we feel like crap!

Answer 2

Your wife sounds incredinbly insecure, and this is possible exacerbated by her not having her own social life, which in turn is preventing you from having your own life as well. You may have made a committment to each other, but i dont remember any wedding vows including cut out social lives and friends (unless you wrote your own).

Maybe you could start by having nights out togther like you did before the children came along. Make a big effort to get dressed up and make an effort for each other. Once you have shown her that you still appreciate her as a partner, and not just as a mother, her confidence will return and she might loosen your string a bit longer.

If she has always been like this though since the day you met, then you are bit stuffed.

Answer 3

She sounds very insecure and maybe you guys should see a counselor.

Also, do you work long hours? Maybe if you only have 2 hours a week to spare and your'e spending 1 of them with coworkers who you see all week, she's upset. Or do you give her attention as well as your boys? Do you take time to tell her she's beautiful and that you appreciate her and take her out to dinner, buy her flowers, etc? She may feel that if you can take an hour out to spend with people you see all week, but you can't take an hour to do special things for her, then you dont' love/appreciate her.

If all of your ducks are in a row and you're a model husband and father, counseling. If you're spending time at home and doing all the things husbands and fathers should and she can't handle an hour of free time without the family, she has issues that need to be addressed.

Answer 4

Since this was the first time you wanted to go out after work she might have found it odd that you wanted to do it. My suggestion is find a babysitter one night, the two of you go out with your co-workers or friends and let her see what goes on and who the people are. That way she won't be as worried.

I am the type of person that enjoys spending time with friends hanging out even though I am in a relationship but not everyone is like that. Some people think once you are in a relationship that you should not go anywhere without your significat other. Sounds like you need to have a talk with wife.

Answer 5

I hear ya, buddy. Had the same problem with my ex. EXTREMELY insecure. Ok, I understand her on one point. At the time, I was a "stripper" for lack of better terms as a side job occasionally, and competitive bodybuilder. It would be like if a guy was married to a playmate or something. However she was an NFL cheerleader and recruited by Playboy to do a spread. She really had NO reason to be insecure 'cause I immediately shot home after work each day and spent ALL of my free time with her and the kids even on weekends. I NEVER went anywhere by myself. I was a completely devoted family man.
The only way she was helped or to get your girl some help is counseling. Scary word but it's your only option. Be patient with her.

Answer 6

Maybe her father was a cheater? Or one of her ex boyfriends was a cheater? Perhaps she has abandonment issues and someone left her once? People who have been abandoned (emotionally or physically) can be quite needy and clingy. It's probably not exactly her fault, but the result of a life situation in her past.

I think that you could ask her to talk -- let her know that you NEED outside interests once in a blue moon. You could suggest that it's normal for couples to have separate interests (because it IS!).

If she won't talk about it, then perhaps you could go to marriage counseling. I know, everyone suggests marriage counseling but in cases where one partner is smothering another, eyes may need to be OPENED. Sometimes it takes a neutral party to help us see and help us to work things through.

You could also consider a 'date night' once in a while -- take her out with another couple (will give you both socialization while having a nice time together). Have a card party at your place or BBQ and invite friends.

It's nice to have family to come home to, but like i said, outside interests are important too.

Answer 7

After living in a relationship where we were together 24hrs a day 7 days a week, without having friends or going out on our own, I can tell you that eventually, the string gets thinner.

You both need your space. You ARE in a relationship, but you need something outside it as well, and I dont mean in the wrong way, but just having some friends to go out with is healthy for a relationship.

Try reassuring her that you are responsible towards her and your kids, and that nothing will come between you. Hopefully, that will do the trick.

Good luck!

Answer 8

I would say you guys have a bit of a problem.

She's jealous.

Does she have any girlfriends?
See if she wants to do a girls' night out, and she and her friends can go see a movie, and do dinner, and whatever, while you watch the kids.

Once she sees how much that time away helps her, she will likely understand why you want to go to the pub for an hour after work, and won't really begrudge you a little bit of time here and there.

Answer 9

How old are your kids? I found that after having a child this changes....we used to do our own thing all the time but after having kids I'm like holding onto his leg saying don't gooooo....Maybe there is some kind of biological change that happens.

The best thing you could do is get a sitter and invite her to come with you. Maybe you are not spending enough time with just the two of you. If not assure you will call her every 5 minutes like my husband does lol...

It is wise to accept the invitation every once in a while. It is good for your career to stay in with your co-workers so they don't feel alientated, esp if your boss is going too...

Answer 10

You should do more romantic things for her. it may help the insecurity. Also tell her it is important for you to be able to be your own person, if you can't go have fun sometimes, she will end up pushing you away. Can you guys get a sitter and go have some fun together? There is temptation even at the grocery store, she needs to figure out where the insecurities are coming from. Good Luck