How should I react when my daughter blames me for everything and constantly praise others?

Question

My 15 year old daughter just came to live with me. She lived with her father from age 10 to 15.

She hates living in the state where we live and constantly blames me for everything wrong in her life.

She says that she has too much acne because of me. I bought her some Clinique products and another cleanser to help with the acne and they made it worse.

Then, she constantly talks about her cousins or aunts on her Dad's side and praises them. I get tired of hearing about those cousins. My ex-husband constantly praised his sisters and compared them to me and it reminds me of that. I also feel like they have better lives than me.

Should I just ignore these things or say something to her?

Answer 1

sounds like she took some really good lessons from her father and must observed him and his verbal ways. Perhaps it is time for you to tell her that you didn't realize just how much she was like her father. Maybe this will give her some eye awakening and a touch of reality. Why would you ignore it- you will just end up resenting her and lets face it- its exactly what your X did to you.

Answer 2

Your daughter is a normal fifteen year-old. My godson grew up in a wholesome, well-balanced family, both parents present, still married, still very much in love. His mom, my best friend, has been with him every single day, every step of the way, totally perfect world's best mother. He is seventeen now and no longer tells her he loves her. Instead he says, "I hate you." My friend knows he really does not, he's just not comfortable saying "I love you" to his mom because he's at that age.
Your daughter is just trying to get your goat because she wants your attention. It is not a surprise that she will act up that way given her history. It's just normal behavior that will continue until she's in her mid-20s. Just be patient and do whatever it is mothers do. Don't worry too much about her deliberate animosity. When she becomes indifferent, that's when you should worry ... when it doesn't matter to her one way or the other if you exist or not.

Answer 3

I think that your daughter is just a normal teenager. My daughter also blames me for everything and tells me that she hates me and that she is leaving home etc. and she thinks that my sister is great blah blah. It makes us mums feel awful and we start to think that it is all our fault - but after talking to other mums I know that this is normal behaviour and they do get over it and return to the lovely little girls that they once were!! Hang in there x

Answer 4

Get yourself a dose of self confidence and realize that she is playing a mind game with you. Don't let her control your emotions. She is the CHILD and you are the adult.

Your answer to her can be, "Oh really, I am sorry that you feel that way. " Then just walk out of the room or change the subject. Do not continue to listen to her when she downgrades you.

Answer 5

Omg you've asked at least 30 questions about her in the last two weeks. You need to get your butt off of the computer and TALK TO HER!

Answer 6

tell he that things have changed now, and to give you a break 'cause it's also very hard for you to raise a teen who you have not lived with for 5 years.

Answer 7

She's just a normal teenager, just grin and bear it! She'll get better about it eventually. and she talks about her family on the other side of her family because she's been with them for the past five years and she loves them.. its not to get on your nerves, she just wants to remember them and tell you about how wonderful they are, its not her fault that you feel that way about you ex's family, let her talk!

Answer 8

Time for a sit down and talk,
I took the liberty of reading your past posted questions and see this is a major problem with you.

First tell your daughter and your husband that you aren’t be fair with me you compare me to others when I make a mistake so I look bad. But, you don’t look at my successes and compare them. When you focus only on the negative I am the one who suffers.

Daughter of mine, you are here and that is a fact of life that neither I nor you can change. If you don’t want to be here than talk with your father and make it happen, otherwise we are stuck as a family and we have two choices; one to let things continue and be miserable, or two to try and work together and at least become friends. If we can’t be friends then we are going to have to work together as a family no matter what. It is better to be friendly with each other and to respect each other then to be at each other’s throats. Any other route is going to just turn all of use into nervous wrecks.

1. This is my house and your father’s house and as long as you are living here you are going to have to follow these rules, just as your father follows them and I follow them.
2. There are going to be chores for you to do, just like I have to do and like your father has to work. We are a team and when one of us fails to pick up the slack the others suffer.
3. I realize that you are a teenager and you want more responsibility and more freedoms. I respect that, but you have to respect the fact that you can’t have everything that you want. You think it will get better when you become an adult and you can do all that you want to do, but that isn’t true either. Both of us have to work and we don’t get half as much time off as you do. Both of us have to put food on the table, gas in the car and a roof over your heads. That is our job, and even when I am not working, I am working at maintaining that house. Your job is to help us a little, to study in school and to have some time to be a teenager and all that it means to be a teenager. Don’t try and grow up too fast because you will have that happen all too soon.
4. You are growing and experiencing new things and you want to have more freedom and less control and interference from us. To do that you have to earn it. Just as your dad had to earn his position at his job and we had to earn each other’s love before we got married. You are not the only one working hard here. Once you show that we can trust you we will be able to give you more responsibility and the increase in freedom that goes with it.
5. You need to respect me more. I may not be your old mother, but I am having to stand in for her. I have to take on her job and do her work, so you need to respect me for that just like you respect her. I am not asking you to put me over her, I am only asking that you put me up near her. Once YOU show me the respect I deserve then I will start showing YOU the respect YOU deserve.
6. These rules go for EVERYONE, you, your father and me. If I lay down the rule then your father has to support me in this and I have to support him when he does the same. That is the job of being parents. I may not be your old mother, but I am your parent and you need to treat me like I am one.
7. I am trying to help you, I have bought you makeup, I am worried about your acne and how you are doing in school. Your problems are OUR problems. I know that this is new to you and that it sucks to be transferred in the middle of a school, but life happens and you can’t change what is impossible to change. This school and this house are not going to be like your old place and for that I am sorry, your father and I are trying to do our best here.
8. If I was a horrible parent then you would be living on the street and selling your body for food. Face it that kind of thing happens and you are lucky that it isn’t going to happen to you. That isn’t going to happen to you because we love you, we want you here and we don’t want to put you out on the street. So no matter how bad it seems here remember that it can always get worse, and the worse you make it for me then the worse I am going to feel and the worse I am going to make it for you.
9. Discipline is important, your father can’t go to work and chew out the boss; not if we want to eat and live in this house next month. I can’t go to school and chew out your teachers, or tell a police officer where to stick it or I will be in trouble. The same is true in your case. If you wanted to be treated like an adult then act like one and treat your father and I with respect.
10. I am not your aunts, your cousins or your old parents, I am me and you can’t compare me with them. I do things my way and that is the best way I know how. If you have a problem then you can respectfully talk with me about it and I will listen, but when you say that Aunt so and so wouldn’t do that you only make me angry. I am not perfect, but neither are you, we both have to adapt to this new situation and do the best we can. If you work with me then we can make this easier on both of us if you don’t then I certainly can make it harder on you.

The law lays down some minimum requirements for child care; but you don’t have to allow her to use the phone, to watch TV, to go out with her friends, to have makeup, or new cloths. You can force her to come home from school and never go out and you can make her do busy work during all of her free time. You can remove her bed and make her sleep with only a blanket. You can feed her canned stew or soup and only feed her that night after night. Everything else she gets is a luxury and if you need to then you can take it away from her. Do enough of that and eventually she is going to get the hint and start to behave. Your husband has to back you on this.

When she does behave then she can get a later curfew, she can go over to see friends and even spend the night at other people’s homes (parent you know and can trust), she can watch TV and she can have free time. You can’t beat her but you need a way to enforce discipline without harming her. If some one has a problem with how you are treating her then you can tell them that you have to resort to harsh discipline because of her behavior. You can’t physically injure her and you would never dream of going that far, but you have to make her appreciate that she has a roof over her head, a bed, cloths to wear and a pair of parents that care. If that means you have to take them away for a while to communicate that to her then that is what you have to do.

As for you ex-husband. He gave up any right to criticize you when he gave up custody of your daughter. If he had taught her to respect you then you wouldn’t have a problem, but he failed to do his job and you are taking his daughter because he can’t do it anymore. You have to do it your way and you can’t do it the way other people would. Once your daughter starts to respect you then you can let lose on the reins, but if your ex-husband had done his job right in the first place then your daughter would respect you and you wouldn’t have this problem. So get out of my face, stop throwing your family at me and tell your daughter that she has to listen to me and respect me. Until you do that you aren’t doing your part of the job and I don’t want to hear it any more. I will not have you undermining me with her.

I am only doing this becasue I love you and if I don't then when you get out into the real world you are going to fail, you are going to end up homeless and on the street or working at McDonalds and I don't want that to happen.