I have no sex with my wife, I have seen answers, but... please help.?

Question

Here's the story, My wife and I have been married for 5.5 years, and despite ups and downs we are generally happy. We have one child, a toddler, I am 26 and she is 31. In the past 2.5 years or so we have had sex 4-5 times. I don't know what to do this is a very imporant issue to me, I have talked to her, I tell how beautiful and sexy she is, I try to do things that are romantic, but most of the time due to schedules and financial constraints, all I can do is things so she won't have to i.e. clean the house top to bottom, paint the baby's room, ect. When we first met and even to the first weeks of our marriage we had a lot of sex. Not overstating my wife seemed to realy LOVE sex. We had some hard times in the beginning, but even when things were great like a year or so ago no sex. I try not to talk about it a lot or force sex on her, but the problem, to me, is getting bigger. I never want to cheat on my wife, and have never come close, the woman I want is my wife What do I do.

Okay, I see some recurring ideas, so I want to add a little bit. I really do not think my wife is cheating, and I do not think I am being nieve. As far as whisking away and counsiling we have just gone through some serious financial difficulties rescently, we are maintaining our debts, but there is not really $ for anything else and we have no family here to babysit. Counsiling is something I want to do, but again we do not have the finances. I have talkied to her and asked why she is not as sexual as she was, and she responds that I am not as romantic as I was, but despite my attempts at being romantic there is always some reason we don't have sex. I won't cheat though it is difficult, I will not consider divorce, I will not have my son grow up with me on the weekends, and she is my best friend, but this issue is so serious to me, I cannot stress that enough. I have told her this and if we try to talk about it is either a very short conversation, or it turns to different topic.

PS I do most cooking, and close to half the cleaning, her job is not easy, but even times when she was not working and before the baby this was a problem. I said 4-5 times in 2.5 years but you could also say maybe 12-15 times in over 4 years.

Answer 1

I have THIS EXACT PROBLEM but with my husband. I hope you get some good answers here so maybe it can help me as well.
Good luck and I'm glad I'm not eh only one with this problem!
God Bless

Answer 2

First of all your wife is having normal effects to menopause her testosterone levels are dropping and that is why she is not wanting sex. She needs to look at hormone replacement therapy that should help. I'm not sure of the pain reason that could be psychological. I think you need to seek some marriage counselling your wife is going through a rough spell in her yrs and just be supportive. I have the same issue with my wife and well it ain't menopause but it doe's suck not having a sex life I'm only 32 but she is 36 so well me high sex drive her it seems like she is in neutral. I have explained to her that there is such a thing as pre-menopause but she don't believe me even when I have told here to talk to her Dr.. Secondly the other question you ask would be considered adultery and wrong. If you really need a release well use your hand. If you cannot live without sex and do not see any change for your wife anytime soon then maybe divorce is your only option. Never cheat on the women you love remember your vows in sickness and health, through good times and bad, till death do us part. God Bless and Best Wishes get some counselling maybe your wife is going through something your unaware of just be there for her it will get better. As one of the great sayings: GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT!

Answer 3

I remember the same problem from my marriage when my babies were young. The reason I didn't want to have sex with my husband was because I was too tired. I worked full time, I took care of the baby whenever I wasn't at work, I did all the housework, did all the grocery shopping, all the cooking, and all the house cleaning. My husband only went to work and came home and flopped into his chair. The last thing I had energy for was sex with him being so lazy. You might try offering to take over some part of the work - like make it your job to to get the groceries, make the meals and do the laundry. You may be surprised how much more energy she has. Take the child to a sitter and go for a walk and talk about it with her and find out if doing that would make her life easier, or else find out what happened to her libido. Good luck! Oh - by the way, my husband and I divorced when our 2nd child was 1.5. It was like having a 3rd child around who didn't even clean up after himself.

Answer 4

You have a lot of life left to live, and so does your wife. To not have sex in a marriage is not healthy. You do need to talk to her and get sound information. Does she still find you attractive? is she stressed over work or motherhood... Lord only knows a toddler can be as stressful as a tornado. Does she think she's unattractive now, since the baby? Is she bored with the same old routine day after day.

It's time to leave the toddler with a relative and take the wife to a bread and breakfast. Just getting away from the daily grind can be uplifting sometimes.

Answer 5

Try scheduling "date" nights, when you can leave the child with a sitter, or parent, and have undisturbed time alone. There is something going on that has changed her view and I doubt it is all about your busy schedule, as if it were important to her as well she would make the time. Could it have something to do with having the child, that her thoughts about her body or the possibility of having another scares her? There is the chance that no matter what you tell her, that she no longer feels desirable. Try a little more romance, a little less discussion about actual sex, take you date nght and really get to know each other again, even if it means just cuddling watching a movie without the child at home to interrupt. Take it slow, something has broken the chain, and it will take time to figure out what and how to fix it.

Answer 6

You have to sit her down and have a heart to heart talk with her about the truth, and the truth is, you need more intimacy.
Let her know that you love her, and will remain faithful to her, but how it's pushing you to the utter edge of your sanity.
If she cares, she'll try to come up with a compromise for you.
Perhaps she has a medical issue that made her libido take a dive that she's not even aware of. Or maybe it's post pardum depression, or exhaustion of taking care of house and home, and not having "Girl time" to herself with friends or family.
Either way, give her the benefit of the doubt, of letting her know where you stand on this. You're not doing her any favors by "not talking about it", while the problem grows bigger and bigger within YOU. That's how problems start that lead a person to "falling" when temptation does rear it's ugly head. They are neglected at home, and here it is right in front of them. Some counseling might do the trick too, but you have to make her aware of how big the problem is getting for you, or she can't know she seriously needs to fix it.

Answer 7

This is an age old question with no easy answer. I would sit her down and tell her that next Saturday you have a plan. You are taking her out for a nice walk in the park with the baby. After that you are taking her out for an early dinner somewhere romantic - find a sitter. Then go home and light candles and have sex. You used to know what got her going it may have changed or you may be deviating from the playbook. If she refuses to cultivate the intimacy in your relationship it will kill the marriage. We all need this part of our lives to be active and vibrant. If not the marriage will fail.

Answer 8

Men and women view sex very differently. Generally speaking, for men sex is a much needed release of energy. For women, it's more of a bonding, relationship-strengthening experience. Why might she not feel a desire to bond with you? That's what you need to ask her and yourself. How does she feel about your sex life? Have you discussed this issue with her?

Have you successfully pleased her sexually in the past? In this case, you may not be able to go by what she says unless she's sung your praises over and over in the past. She may want to avoid hurting your feelings. If she's not truly been been satisfied by you in the past, perhaps you're due for a bit of education in this department.

Have you done anything within the past few years that would have caused her to lose any respect for you? That would influence her receptiveness. Maybe she thinks that she's the primary provider for the family and secretly wants you to be.

Try scheduling time for you and your wife to spend time together. Get a family member to babysit, and whisk her away to a local bed & breakfast for a romantic weekend for two.

She may be overworked, tired and burdened by daily chores. (Hopefully, she's not taken a romantic interest in someone else.) Telling her that she's sexy is good, but she may not feel that way about herself and there's really nothing you can do about that; it's a self-esteem issue. If you're doing chores around the house, that's good, but if she thinks you're doing them just to get sex later, that's not so good.

You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with her and genuinely listen to her concerns. If that doesn't work, you should probably consider counseling.

Answer 9

you mentioned money... and time ... here is what you need to do.. somehow get out of debt and get ahead with the money.. money puts such a strain and stress on some humans (your wife)_ it seems to be stressing her out more so for no sex!
it happends!
You mentioned you talked to her ? I"m more interested what was said and what she said back!
did she tell you why your not doing it as much?

what you could try is not pointing fingures i.e. (You haven't done me is xxx amount of time why)
that wiilll make her defencsive!!

try something like
I feel really bad. I don't feel i met your standards any more. I mean you say you love me and I know you do but i just feel rejected... But i feel you have been avoiding the issue that I personally feel needs to be adress. sweetie we done it 5 times last year. I'm hurt i feel like a reject my own wife loves me has all these other things clouding her proiities and i'm hurt. I'm sorry sweeite i said i woudln't bring it up much but now i'm to the point where i'm starting to have doubts on our relationship! and I don't want it to be based off of sex but passion is a key factor that we have ignored long enough we have a problem in the bed room and we need to take care of it as a problem instead of just brushing it aside!
I have spoke to you about this but here i am again with the same lowball feelings i have. Do we need to seek professional help? will you? do you want to try a few things here is what i suggest to help save us some money...

at this point you would show her what you have researched about other married couples who have gone away with sex. and what they have done to save it!!!

if you want her to take you serious show her with more then words how serious and how much this means to you!
just talking about sex will not fix it and it's not about being romatintic all the time! there is a larger issue that she and you are not addressing!

Answer 10

Well you are not cheating she is not cheating, maybe she just does not want it. There could be a number of reasons why. Maybe she does not want to get pregnant again. Maybe she thinks that is all you want or maybe in her opinion you are not as romantic as she would like or maybe she just says that because she is too tired and is just not in the mood anymore. Every woman is different and it could be stress and the whole money thing could have a whole lot to do with it. If you have tried talking to her and that goes no where maybe you need to show her...take initiative and do your thing to her and see if she reacts. If she still does not want it maybe she just is being frigid. Like I said it may be more then just one thing. It is hard to say~

Answer 11

First before you guys run to a counselor, you need to talk to each other. Have you asked her why she is no longer interested in sex like she used to be. And ask her to be completely honest with you. Be honest with her about how you feel about the lack of it. Trying not to talk about it is not going to get you any, and i feel that you are not comfortable talking to each other truthfully about sex, then there is no way you guys are going to be honest with a complete stranger in the room. Believe me, I tried counseling, and if you are not open to each other beforehand then it won't help. If talking to each other first doesn't help then try counseling.
Ask her what you can do for her that will make her more eager to have sex, and let her know what you need from her. Regardless of what others say, sex is very important in a balanced well rounded relationship. And if one partner is not satisfied then it makes the relationship unbalanced. Be honest with each other, and not hurtful with answers or questions. And don't take what may seem to be criticism personal. Open up to each other and things will fall as they should. If not then seek counseling.