My husband had been manipulative and verbally abusive to me for 26 years of marriage. I stayed with him for two reasons, 1.No job, 2.Three kids that I felt needed a Mom and a Dad. I did ask several times to have us go to marriage counseling. He refused. Now I have stated to him that I want a divorce and I don’t love him. Suddenly he changed to a nicer person. My question is: Can a person change over night? Do I trust that he has changed?
2007-10-22 05:07:05 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
No a person cannot just get up and change over night however maybe it was like a rock that hit him in the head and he suddenly realized oh my I better treat my wife better because I am going to lose her. I would now tell him that the both of you go to counceling or the two of you are history. He might rethink that I want to go.
2007-10-22 05:12:18 · answer #1 · answered by luvlisteningtomusic 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Manipulative and verbally abusive?? What a crock of BS.
You should consider some other reasons for divorce.
It seems you have been living some kind of significant lie yourself.
Nothing makes a guy treat you with love and affection quite like being told he is abusive, manipulative and that you are only there for the kids and his paycheck. Manipulative, sounds like you are pretty good at it. Verbally abusive, The things you verbalized here are probably more damning to him than your getting yelled at.
You might take a hard look in the mirror before calling him thiese names because you may just be seeing your reflection from him.
Can a person change overnight? I don't know. Can you quit being a taker and start giving a little? Maybe that would keep him in a beter frame of mind.
If my wife came up with that whole litany of my problems while telling me that she did not love me and was only there because she did not have a job and the kids, my response would be "GET THE F**K OUT OF MY HOUSE and do it NOW. I will help you pack. You don't have any money? bummer here's a hundred bucks that should get you a cheap room tonight, You thought I was going to move out of MY house leaving MY children with you for me to pay for your upkeep YOU ARE WRONG!. Pack your clothes and GET OUT. If you do not want to be here, There's the door USE IT."
I'm sure you find this verbally abusive but that should actually be his reality.
There is a big problem here and it is not all him. I would give you your divorce. I might even help you pay for it but you would not get my children, my house or my money any longer.
It baffles me that you would come on this post and ask if you can trust him! The bigger question is can he trust you to change?
I don't think he can.
2007-10-22 05:25:55 · answer #2 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have made the first step in the fact that you recognize these traits in you. I applaud you for that. It is hard for people to identify their own faults. The next step is that you have to do is forgive yourself and forgive your mother for being that way. You also have to realize that while your mother has played a huge role in your behavior, ultimately you are responsible for yourself and you make the decisions on how you will act. Don't give away your self control. If you don't forgive your mother and rather blame her you will never get past it. Finally you have to think from the other persons perspective. What I mean is, realistically people (especially people you love) don't walk around trying to disappoint you. Generally when you are upset at someone you are actually being selfish because they have failed to meet "your" expectations...Think about that for a second... "your"...expectations... in other words you are upset because the person didn't do what you "you" wanted.. if you really thing about it then you will realize how selfish it is..... The next time you find yourself about to be verbally abusive stop...think about it... and be nice. By the way.. I am just a heathen Atheist so most people here seem to think I don't have a moral bone in my body... The one thing I won't recommend is religion.
2016-04-09 21:41:14 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No a person can't change overnight.
He will revert back to the same old idiot if you go back. If he really WANTS TO CHANGE it's going to take more than a day, a week or even a month.
Change takes time and PRACTICE. He's been a pain in your butt for 26 years, and believe me, he wont' change in the snap of a finger.
Some people are good actors.
2007-10-22 05:15:40 · answer #4 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, a person does not change over night. If he REALLY wants to work things out, he will go to counseling. That would be something that I'd insist.
It seems that you've gained a little power here, and I think you should try and use it to actually salvage this marriage, if that is still possible.
2007-10-22 05:12:17 · answer #5 · answered by Blossom 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very unlikely that he has changed.....Your reasons for staying with this man are only excuses....You didn't have a job? Then you should have looked for one.....and children need a mother and father that love and respect one another....so you did your children a disservice by staying with a man that was manipulative and verbally abusive towards their mother....You should have left the bastard many years ago....so why leave now? Seems you have put up with it for so many years...why get out now?
2007-10-22 05:17:32 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, people do not change over night. The only reason he changed his behavior now is because he is afraid of you divorcing him. He doesn't want you to leave.
If you don't love him anymore and are miserable with him, then please, just get a divorce. Because in all likelihood this acting nicer is just another form of manipulation on his part.
2007-10-22 05:12:58 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
My friend. Yes it is possible cos he must have seen that your separation at this age will not be good. After all he is father and as such he is equally involved in your family. If he gives you in writing that he will not be manipulative as well as abusive in future, you can trust him. It will also be good for you and for your kids as well. This is the best way available to you to bridge the gap between your husband and yourself. This will also go for the betterment of your kids future.
2007-10-22 05:15:36 · answer #8 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My guess is he never thought you had it in you, and is now shocked to find out you DO.
People do not generally change overnight.
It's possible that he's in an "oh crap, I'm gonna lose her" crisis, and that may make him want to change...
but usually a good indicator of future behavior, is repetitive past behavior.....and for 26 years he's been doing the same old stuff, right?
But if you want to save your marriage, then make him agree to going to counseling with you.
If it's beyond the point of no return for you...then you do whatever you do to have an abundant life for YOU. Good luck.
2007-10-22 05:13:57 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well, you can try to see if it's a real improvement. Me thinks it won't last since you put up with it for that long. Then again, he could have had a wake up call. There is no way to tell until he goes back to his old ways or not. But, if you are threatening him with divorce, then you are going to have to go through it if he does act out. If you were bluffing, he's going to know when you threaten it again and won't take you seriously.
2007-10-22 05:12:11 · answer #10 · answered by CC 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋