I just moved out of state, away from my family and friends where I had lived for most of my life to be with my current boyfirend of 3.5 years and he goes home to his parents house, 2 hours away, every weekend to hunt. He will be going for half of November too. Prior to this it was fishing though not every weekend, at least every other or once a month.
I don't know many people here and I don't want to spend every weekend at his parents house. I also can't help but spend Saturday nights worrying that he is out at the bars as he can walk to them from their house.
We used to go out together but I quit drinking and now I don't like too go out to bars. We were both supposed to quit, but he didn't. I don't want to start drinking again, but he barely wants to do any non-drinking social things and basically I just don't want to sleep with him anymore as a result of all this as it feels like we aren't friends anymore cause we don't hang out.
2007-10-22 02:47:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Hey Shug,
You have several possibly viable options - NONE of which is to be found drinking and going out to bars! One option is to learn to like to hunt and fish. That one could, however diminish his interest in them as he may need time with "the guys". Another is to either join a social club, go to a gym, a church or some other venue where you might meet other young women whose mates desert them on weekends to go golfing, hunting, fishing, etc. Another place to find friends is to take a job that puts you in contact with others. A third is to communicate up-front and frankly with your beau about the lonliness and frustration he is inflicting on you. Of these, the third should probably be the first as it gets to the problem with his behavior rather than dealing with the symptoms.
That is not to say that you should not pursue the second. A relationship that is too exclusive is in danger of becoming an unhealthy co-dependency. There are needs that one gender has that the other gender is not well equipped to deliver, some of them are even fairly intimate. Your beau, at this stage of his life, obviously has, and is able to satisfy his needs for male companionship and his relationship with his parents. You do need to meet and make pretty close friends of the the same sex to satisfy your similar needs. Hopefully you and your parents would enjoy an occasional visit too. Close friendships with the opposite sex , however, are problematic proportional to the degree of closeness that develops. There are, as I'm sure you're aware, powerful forces at work between men and women that are often not easily controlled.
Another very good option, though considerably more complex and not likely to produce much in the short-term, is to look deeply at the nature of your relationship with your man. All too many relationships are built on illusion. A relationship begun too soon after the trauma of a break-up, for example, is likely to be based on the intoxication of having someone appreciate you after having had your self-image drastically diminished by a break-up. The resulting "inflation" can lead you to believe that dimensions of the relationship other than the sexual attraction is proportionately much greater than it is. Whether or not this is the case, an in-depth, honest assessment of your relationship can be very beneficial. IF it doesn't become an exercise in projecting blame, accusing and otherwise further complicating the intrinsically complicated nature of intimate relationships.
Three and a-half years is, for the young, a considerable investment in a relationship. It seems at the moment to have reached a point of diminishing returns. As harsh as it sounds, both of you need to consider either divesting yourself of the investment, or investing more deeply. One of you alone cannot make sufficient investment. If it isn't worth the investment for both, it isn't worth it for one. You may love him, and hopefully you love him as much as you love yourself. Loving someone more than yourself though, should be reserved for your children. Loving a mate more than yourself is a recipe for pain, suffering and tragedy.
I wish you the best. I hope this is helpful.
2007-10-22 03:38:16 · answer #1 · answered by wordweevil 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your lives have moved in different directions. It's time to realize that fact, and break up. Sometimes a boyfriend and girlfriend get closer and closer as the years go by, and it leads to marriage. Other times, a couple realizes more and more over time that they are not right for each other. Yours falls into this category. While I'm sure it seems to you like 3.5 years is a long time to invest only to call it quits, it's far better than getting married and then having to go through the pain of a divorce. It's time to move back to your home state -- this man is not for you.
2007-10-22 02:53:37 · answer #2 · answered by Happy-2 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have grown apart and I think he is an alcoholic. He can't quit. You had something in common until you quit drinking. You are not legally married and have no obligations. But you do love him. I would say to move back home to your family and friends. Start over and see what happens. You might find someone more compatible. He isn't interested in you any more. Sorry. But at least you don't have any children with him.
2007-10-22 02:57:19 · answer #3 · answered by thomas m 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well...seems you made a poor decision here. based on what? Just 'love'?
Never act on emotion or just one reason. Always weight the pros and cons. You failed to do so.
The solution.....return to your home state. Theres no other answer so better get packing now because by all accounts it doesn't even look like your situation will change.
2007-10-22 03:03:05 · answer #4 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dump him and move home.I quit drinking after years of drinking just to fit in but my ex-wife refused to quit and that led to her cheating with her drinking buddies.It isn't going to get any better until he wants to stop.Move on with your life.Good luck
2007-10-22 03:00:53 · answer #5 · answered by notagain49 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell him that you both need to spend time together as a couple and if that fails dump him and move home!!
2007-10-22 02:51:02 · answer #6 · answered by JOANNE C 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you don't like where this relationship is heading. In which case, now might be the best time to end it.
2007-10-22 02:53:29 · answer #7 · answered by countryguyhfc 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pack up and go back home to your family and friends.
2007-10-22 02:52:58 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dump him and go home
Hopefully you don't have kids together
2007-10-22 03:31:11 · answer #9 · answered by roadrunner426440 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you have grown apart it's time to move on
if your sobriety is important to you then you need someone who is supportive of that and not someone who is not
2007-10-22 02:52:25 · answer #10 · answered by mmmkay_us 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋