am pregnant but...?

Question

its not really a pregnancy question but am not getting much joy in singles and dating.....my boyfriend and i have been on and off for 6 years..we've never lived together, he has his own home..he's always talked about us having a child together...we'll i'm pregnant...i've lost my job...havent been able to get another 1, already have 2 kids so have gone on benefits...here's the problem, benefits agency say its the law that i cant have a boyfriend sleep over, and have sent me CSA forms for when the baby is born as the dad doesnt live with me...he used to sleep over say half the week when i was working, but ive had to stop that...he wants to keep staying says 'no one will find out'....i cant do it....and wants me to tell CSA i dont know where he is...says i know he wont let the baby go without....i feel upset....and let down....didnt even know he had this side to him... this isnt how babies our brought into the world surely ? what do i do...any help would be appreciated...thank you x

edit...i hear what your saying magenta...and your right....no i didnt have commitment off him....you live and learn eh.

trixie....thanks ever so much for your words of support.

Answer 1

If you don't tell the CSA where he is they have the right to reduce your benefit. As for him staying over I always thought a boyfriend could stay over for a maximum of 3 nights per week.. This may be worth checking again. You have to do what is right for you and the children, don't take is word.

Answer 2

If your boyfriend wanted you to have a child together he should be prepared to take on the responsibility of that new life full time. He should move in with you and your children and support you until you can get another job, then the CSA doesn't have anything to do with it.
Was this baby planned? I don't mean to be rude but there's no way I'd have a child with a man who hasn't really committed. I think this man wants to have his cake and eat it too. I would bring up the idea of you living together and if he's not wiling to do that I would absolutely give his details to the CSA - you don't know if he will always see you right.

Answer 3

Hey there. I feel so sorry for you, you must be going through absolute hell at this moment. How many weeks are you pregnant so far? I don't know the law of the CSA as I am from South Africa, and we do not have funny (weird) laws like that...

I wish I could give you some advice, but unfortunately I do not have the answer for you. The reason I have "answered" is to let you know that you are not alone in this world, and everything will work out as it has to. You will see! Good Luck and ALL THE BEST!!!

Answer 4

I'm in a similar situation as you, my boyfriend wanted a baby, I got pregnant and now he's cleared off. He says he will see the baby a few nights a week and see me right money wise but thats not a father at all. I think both me and you need to be strong and tell these rubbish men it's all or nothing. If your partner won't move in and support you properly then you should definietly give his details to the csa.
It's worth checking out the rule which says you can't have a BF sleeping over, as far as I was aware you can have anyone you like to stay over for 3 nights per week.
Good Luck and stay strong xx

Answer 5

He wanted this child with you, why can he not move in with you and get a job to support you and your kids? If you don't want to live together then thats fine but i wouldn't trust any man who says they will support their kids cos not all of them do but you could give him the benefit of the doubt and not tell CSA and let him give you money but as soon as he messes you about then go to CSA and tell them that you now know where he lives. Its just you don't get the money anyway it will go straight to the benefits agency

Answer 6

OK listen: You do NOT let him stay at your house unless he is willing to support you financially without the involvement of the CSA, benefits agencies etc. They have investigators and you will get CAUGHT - it is simply not worth the risk. You tell him straight - he can either agree to support you financially at a rate you find acceptable, or you can supply his full address to the CSA who will deal with it themselves. Either way, you have to make sure your baby and it's welfare are your main priority now. And you don't want any unnecessary stress of your own either, so wash your hands of the situation and just make sure you get enough money, one way or another.

As an example, I am 5 months pregnant and no longer with the father of my baby (we only went out for a couple of months and the baby was unplanned) but we are still friends. I have now decided that I need to quit my part-time bar job as it is too tiring, but I have insisted that John (my ex) pays me the £200 a month I will be losing out on, as I wouldn't have to quit my bar job if I wasn't pregnant. Also, I am buying baby clothes, but I made him buy the pram, and I will make him buy blankets, towels, my breast pump etc.

Don't be fobbed off - get assertive and demand he pays - it is only right. It is not all your responsibility.

Hope this helps - good luck

Answer 7

tell him he helped make the baby so he can help with the baby , i take it you dont plan to move in together properly , tell him move in completly and properly or sling his hook , otherwise you will end up with no money at all .... if you have kids then you see that no money is not an option and they (kids) come first .

you want to spend the rest of life with a man whos hard work and avoids responsibility that the rest of the world can cope with .?
yay ! sounds fun . Id rather be a single mum for an easy life.
blimey theres so many decent men out there dont waste your self and kids lives on a freeloader.

my first child i split up with the dad while i was pregnant , couldnt be doing with extra hassle of a week man too conserned for themselves as he was playing a similar game as your bloke sounds like.
it hurt and It was the last thing I had expected to have come up on the cards , but I dont regret it .

Answer 8

Well, I think that if you want the benefits then you need to follow them. My ex husband has a live in girl friend and I found out through a sheriff deputy that when my kids are there with them that it is considered child abuse by DHS and the courts that is why it is written that you can't have a "sleep over male/female" in our divorce papers...

If your boyfriend doesn't want to be known as the father then you probably should leave the relationship you are in and look for a better life for you and your children..

Good luck

Answer 9

If there is a wage-earning father in the household, the opinion of childrens' welfare agencies is that He should be responsible for medical bills, insurance, and diapers and such. That's only fair--it would be fraud to ask taxpayers to pay for beneifts when the resources already exist in the household.

Your boyfriend needs to man up. If he wants to duck out on his responsibility, (or even if he wants to stay in the picture, but allow the taxpayers to shoulder the burden for his child), then your response MUST be to name him as the father, and sue him for child support.

Frankly, your relationship is already over... You're just waiting for the time when he decides to disappear.

Do the right thing.

Answer 10

Hmm... I don't know your BF very well but it appears that a) he doesnt want to commit b) he wants to father your kids but not take care of any of you

Any man who wants to have children with you, will want to live with you, help support you and your children and commit. It sounds almost as if he wants to avoid having any responsibilities at all? Something is more than not right here. If I were you, I would stand ground and tell him "no" when he wants to "stay over" sometimes. Tell him its time to either sh*t or get off the pot.

It sounds like you're going through h*ll when you shouldn't be. I feel for your situation but your bf is obviously not stepping up to the plate on this one.

-T