critique my poem please?

Question

The Only Time


It's raining outside
That when my sister an I
Decide to run rampant through
the violent storms

We're young, we're beautiful, and we're free
We live to the fullest
We put off consequences
And live for the moment


We walk in the house
Soaking wet
My mother scorns and punishes us
Sure it was dangerous
Dangerous but not stupid

But we just laugh
Because we know in years to come
This will be on of the best times of our lives

Answer 1

It's a sweet image, but one that seems more authentic when it is actually looked back upon, not anticipated to be looked back upon. Does that make any sense?
I like that you kept the tense consistent throughout this time.
Maybe more about the rain, and storm. Telling us that your mother is there clues us in to your youth, you don't have to actually say it. Young, beautiful, and free may be accurate, but they are also generic. What makes this time with your sister special?
Thanks for posting it for us.

Answer 2

I like your first strophe. Minor edits below:

It's raining outside
When my sister and I
Decide to run rampant
Through the violent storm

That's very interesting. It sets the scene well.

The rest of the poem however tells me a lot of things rather than showing me much. I want it to be more vivid. I want to see by the narrator's and the sister's actions that they are young, beautiful, and free. I want to experience the danger of the storm not just told that it was dangerous. Spend some time trying to draw that out more and I think you'll have a much stronger poem.

Nice start though.

Best,

Todd

Answer 3

I think you should focus this piece around the dichotomy of "dangerous" versus "stupid." Yes, running around in the storm is dangerous - express that in your imagery. Talk about your close shave with the lightning, the sound of the thunder, the blinding rain, cars sliding on the pavement, etc. Then move into the idea that you are young, beautiful, ignoring consequences, that as a teenager you need to feel a brush of mortality to understand what it means to be alive.

Then remove that silly final stanza, which is simply a tired cliche. If you've done your job correctly throughout the poem, your reader will understand, intrinsically, that the feeling of exhilaration is the best time of your life. You won't need to spell it out for them in a concluding stanza.

Answer 4

oh how I wish there had been more laughter between me and my own brother.
Really sweet poem. I like it very much.

You might want to streamline it a bit to add to its power.

It's raining outside
when my sister and I
decide to run rampant
through the violent storm

we're young and beautiful
and free
living to the fullest
putting off consequences
being in the moment

walking into the house
soaking wet
my mother scorns and
punishes us
sure it was dangerous
but not stupid

But we laugh
knowing in years to come
this will be one of the best
times of our lives


Very nicely done!

Answer 5

Like the imagery, but I don't quite get the feel you're going for. If you're aiming for nostalgia, you're not quite inside the bullseye--if you're going for innocence lost, way off the mark. However, thoughtful remembrance, I think you hit it dead on. I do like the fact that you remember it with your sister, it shows a little glimpse of your soul, somehow making it more tangible, yet more transient. Sibling bonds are the hardest to remember fondly, so bravo.
I like the reflection and the guilty feel of the line "dangerous but not stupid"

Answer 6

I liked this poem; because it so full of youth and times we
did things our mom didn't like. But it's neat because we all
should be like this poem. Free! Free to be what we want to be. As long as we don't hurt anyone. Just being ourselves
enjoying life. I liked it! JN

Answer 7

Its just a normal story it just does not grab as a remember me poem~~

Answer 8

umm..couldn't it be like a friend and not your sis...