I do not think I lied, but should it really come to DIVORCE????

Question

Every payday I have been putting money into a seperate account as sort of an emergency fund or to pay for things just in case the other account was low. I used this money to pay for all four of our children's b-day parties, bought him clothes that he needed and used it to pay bills that otherwise we did not have the money for. The thing is I did not tell my husband that we had this account, this was something I did without his knowledge for a kind of sense of security.

He found the bank statement last night and says that I have lied to him because I did not tell him about it, and now he says that he cannot believe anything I say, and he does not think that this marriage will work and say he may want a divorce. I told him that I did not lie, I just did not tell him. I have not bought anything for myself with this money, in fact I have not bought any new clothes for mself in over two years and I just had a baby last year. Does this really show cause for a divorce? HELP!!!!!!

Answer 1

Ideally, you shouldn't have kept this info from him. The bigger question is why you thought you needed to do it secretly. There must be bigger issues between you about the way $$ is spent that you determined to do it without telling him. If you want to make the marriage work, it's time for you and him to talk through how you handle $ together and set up a budget or spending plan that you both know all about and and that you can agree on. I strongly recommend resources from Dave Ramsey on family finances. I'm including a link to his website below.

That said, your husband is definitely overreacting. If your description of the problem is complete and accurate, you were doing what you did for the good of the family and not for selfish motives. I hate to even bring this up, but do you think he is so sensitive about it because he is also keeping things from you & wanting to find fault with you to make himself feel better? When my now ex-husband left me to pursue an adulterous affair, he spent a huge amount of anger and energy trying to catch me doing anything wrong (and falsely accused me of all kinds of things) in order to try and make himself feel better, as well as to try to find some ammunition to lob back at me in court if the divorce proceedings turned ugly.) I don't want to scare you, but if he is bringing up trust issues with you, that may mean he has something to hide.
It will be in the best interest of both of you and the precious kids to work on your marriage--apologize for keeping things from him and offer to go with him to counseling (financial and/or emotional) to learn how to have a more open, honest relationship.

Do you have a religious faith? If so, pray and look there for strength and guidance.

I wish you the best, and hope you are able to work things out.

Answer 2

That's kind of an over reaction. First of all it is important that if you have a secret bank account as you know for him not to find out. Second there may be another reason or added reasons for him to suddenly say something like this. Does he do that often? Jump to conclusions? Is he very controlling? Didn't he wonder where the money was going? I mean he probably saw your check stubs right? Another question is why did you feel the need to have this secret bank account? Is he not willing to have some money set aside for emergencies? Or Does he spend it all? You paid bills, what is wrong with paying bills? He needed clothes what is wrong with getting him what he needs? If he or you cannot answer these appropriately then there must be something else going on. It would be good for you to dig. I am not saying he is cheating or anything( I hope not) but he may be too controlling and you will have to work around this and help him deal with the fact that you have a seperate account or he may be too insecure. In that case you can assure him you are not leaving or anything just making sure you all have what you need and want. As far as divorce goes usually it is till death do us part unless someone cheats or gets beat up. Hiding something is not always so good but this was not lying. Did he ever ask you if you had a seperate account and you said no? Or just ignored the question then it would be a lie or a lie by omission. But from what you said it was not.
Try to find out really what is going on. Then if he does not want a divorce try to work out a good arrangement for the money while keeping your account. And next time. Have the bank statement go to someone you trust not your house.

Answer 3

I don't think it's ever a good idea to keep things from your spouse. I can understand why you made the account, but I also think he had every right to know about it.

That being said, I don't think it's even almost a reason to get divorced. Sure, he's feeling lied to.. but it's not something that can't be worked through. Just give him some time, and try your best to explain why you did it. And next time you think about doing somethng like that.. talk with your husband about it first. In a marriage, there has to be communication and trust.

Just talk to him. If you truly love each other, you should be able to work through this.

Answer 4

One...should have told him about the account however its not of any consequence that merits divorce.

He's being a moron. If after all this time one incident (that really is a non-incident) causes him to not trust you, give him doubts about the marriage and notice the key word he uses.."MAY want a divorce"...then you're married to a child.

just for laughs....tell him "Oh yeah...you have no balls. Go ahead and file". Know what? He'll be pissed off royally but he won't. Its a bullying tactic. A way to wield control over you. And honestly...think a judge would even hear a case with a reasoning for divorce as lame as opening a seperate bank account that shows no activity other than deposits?
Tell hubby that when he files...be prepared to be raped because you're going to take the house, half his pension (if he has one) and he'll be paying child support with annual increases for a long, long time. He won't file. Watch how he backpeddles on this one if you throw down the gaunlet.

Answer 5

I think you just did the right thing.If he has a misconception about it well it's his problem not yours.You just wanna keep it for emergency and he should be happy of what you have done, at least you had managed to save money without him knowing it. Besides you also need to keep something for yourself believe me. I had learned a lesson from my sister in law when she had a divorce with my brother, when my brother left her behind she was so financially handicapped and she doesn't even have a single penny to buy her own food because during the time that they've been together she is a one day millioner .So she told me once, that I should keep some money for myself without my husbands knowledge and sad to say that up to the present I wasn't able to keep any.If your husband insist to have a divorce fine let him, eventually he will realize how much he lost.Just be strong for your baby and have faith that every things gonna be okey with you and the baby.Wish you the best...

Answer 6

It would have been better perhaps if you had told him but even there it depends upon how he acts with the money you do not put in the bank, whether he is cautious, or wasteful with it.
you need a family budget that you plan together because if he had any sense of money at all he would have wondered where the money came from for the birthday parties and his clothes. It sounds like he may be a bit of a control freak and the fact that you had the money and he didn't control it upset him.
suggest a family budget where you both decide how money is going to be spent or not spent and if he doesn't agree to that and still wants a divorce, you may be better off without his control over you. good luck to you.

Answer 7

I'd be more worried about why he was so quick to throw divorce out there than why he's mad about some extra money. I see nothing wrong with a married couple haveing completely seperate bank accounts. Nothing in this world is forever anymore and we all need that added sense of security. I'd try to talk to him when he's a little calmer and not so irate. Explain why you did it and what you've used it for. If he can't accept a wife who thinks ahead and plans well, then maybe you're not the one who should be worried about divorce.

Answer 8

So you lied,so what.You needed a little security and opened a secret bank account.Was it wrong to hide it from your husband ,yes it was.But this is no big thing. You did good things with the money you saved. Your husband is a nut job.To even suggest that this is grounds for divorce is ludicrous. There are control issues that suggest that your husband needs some intense counseling. Your husband has no right to carry on this way.

Answer 9

You did lie by omission. I don't think that it is reason for a divorce. Do you do your money together or separately? If you each have your own money I don't think it should really matter at all. If you do your money together you still need to have your own money. I think that he is overreacting. Is he looking for a way out? Something like this should not make him not believe anything that you say. Is he careless with money? Is that why you did it? If he is I would have done the same thing. I hope that things work out for you.

Answer 10

It is not cause for divorce, but it let your husband know that you are smart enough to take care of yourself, and he isn't in complete control. It is your money to put in the bank if you so choose, so don't back down on this one. He'll get over it in time, and when he stops and thinks about it will be happy you where that resourceful. If not then I guess he will lose a good woman.