Does everyone believe "once a cheater always a cheater"? After 13 years of Marriage my wife had an affair.

Question

She slept with an old boyfriend 3 times in a month and a half period. Maybe it would have gone on if I hadn't found out. How do I know it hasn't happend before? We have 3 kids and own our own home and I am finding it hard to just walk away from it all. She shows a lot of remorse for what happend and says she hates herself for tearing our family apart. Will she cheat again? HELP!

jacqueline, That has to be the dumbest answer I have seen yet.

Answer 1

I do not agree that she will cheat again for sure. I know that it would be a great sign of love and a great man to forgive his wife of 13 years and mother of his 3 children. I have a friend who tells me this when I ask about people and changing, " Sandra, where there is breath there is hope". I always told her that she was naive but I am a great cynic of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness so I am trying to believe people can change (I love and am married to a forgiven cheater).

you have said that she shows remorse and it sounds like she knows that what she wants is you and for her family to stay together and that she is deeply sorry, I think that she might be telling the truth. I dont know your ages so probably not midlife but maybe she was feeling her oats and she made a mistake in the way she sewed them. Of course I dont know anything at all about you two or your marraige but I do think that what she did was probably more of a reaction to something going on with her then some kind of way of life or training that she has, it usually starts way sooner if it is a pattern (seems to me anyhow). She was confused, it happens, no one is perfect (sucks for sure).

It does not seem pathalogical if it took this long to happen and it was the only time. I know that it can mean you have to suck it up and realize that she wasnt sure what she wanted for a little bit but it also sounds like she realizes that what she had was great and that the grass isnt greener and that she wants to stick with the pasture that she knows and loves. She is human and humans get stuck on stupid somtimes but it sounds like she got back into gear and if you love her, forgive her and treat her as nice as you can under the circumstances. What she did was wrong but I promise she is beating herself up tremendously for the damages she caused.

Answer 2

There is merit to the phrase. It is often much easier for a person to do something again once they have done it once. And I think there are far more examples of serial cheaters than there are of people who do it once and never do it again. I don't have any problem with the fact you and your wife worked through her cheating. I think it show maturity and devotion to your relationship. But I would imagine it's still in the back of your mind if you ever see her being too friendly with another guy or if she's working late - even if you choose not to think about it. Whether to try and salvage the relationship probably depends on whether the cheater seems genuinely sorry for what they did (rather than the fact they got caught) and how honest they were about the situation. I know I would be more forgiving if I was told by her and asked for forgiveness than if I discovered it on my own. That being said, I can't fault someone who decides to end a marriage/relationship after just one infidelity. Being able to trust your partner is being faithful is essential to the relationship working and without that trust, how can you trust anything else.

Answer 3

I dont believe that once a cheater always a cheater. There are numerous reasons as to why people cheat. Before she cheated did she try talking to you and telling you there were problems, but you didn't listen to her feelings, thoughts and concerns. Most of the time when there are problems in a marriage, both parties are fully aware of them. That is the time to communicate and try and solve them. If they are not fixed it can lead people down the wrong path,. Maybe your wife was at a loss and frustrated with trying to get across to you without luck. But she also wanted to keep the family together. Sometimes the cheating is a call for help! If the marriage is salvageable and u both want to work on it, then do so with counselling and communication. If both persons needs are satisfied, then there is no need for her (or you) to stray.

Answer 4

Most of the posters are saying that "she'll do it again." "Once a cheater always a cheater." I find this to be very untrue. The fact is, you are married and you have a family to think about. I absolutely understand you in that you don't want to just walk away.

There are ways to fight through this, but it takes A LOT of work. I know a couple who went through this... the wife cheated on her hubby with the neighbor (I know... classic, eh?). He found out and it was HORRIBLE. He came to work crying and screaming on the phone. He pretty much was always in the back room yelling at his wife, depressed, bawling, worrying. It was awful. They have 2 children together... so you know how hard it is. After venting and suffering for a few weeks, they sat down and mutually decided that they wanted to repair their marriage. They both still love each other and love their family... it was worth it, to them, to get through it. After marriage counseling and a lot of work, they are doing very well now. In fact, I recently went out to dinner with them after not seeing them for a year and they looked great! They were very affectionate towards eachother. I was really amazed... they looked better than ever (even before this whole incident). What's important here is to work together and not point fingers when you're trying to repair things. You both have to be upfront and honest. Counseling is a must in my opinion... it will really pick apart both of your feelings and lay it all out there. Otherwise, you'll run the risk of hiding bad emotions, which will eat away at the marriage.

I'm not sure what the circumstances were before she cheated, but that has to be evaluated. What was going wrong? Why was she not happy? Were you happy? These are the things that need to be addressed.

Don't feel like this is the end of the world, my friend. If you both are strong enough, you can absolutely get through this. The two people I told you about actually quit their jobs to start a business together just so they could work with each other. That's how much they want to be together now! 24/7. Not saying you should do the same, but I want to show you how this can all be worked through.

It's a long process, but your children are worth it. If you still love your wife and she loves you, you should both absolutely get through this.

Answer 5

Thats a hard one!!!
I've been married for 10 yrs w/ 3 kids... I don't know what I would do. It is obvious that you love her, you have been together for a very long time. I think you first need to look at the big picture... What was going on in your relationship before this happened to make the situation of cheating OK?
Once you figure that out, then you would need to figure out if that problem is "fixable". Then you have to deside if you even want to fix it... Only time can fix the "distrust" issue involved here. With that said, you have to deside if you are willing to put your heart and emotions out there to be possably hurt again to obtain the time needed to regain the trust! (does that make any since?)

I know for us guys, being cheated on mostly boils down to the humiliation and embaresment you feel right now. (which sucks big time) But, we are guys and thats the way our brains are wired. You need to remember that she screwed up, this is a problem with her bad decisions. Something was just not right for her.

Keep your head up, and if you are a good person, this will not change that. You have a lot on your plate right now, so don't make any decisions in haste. I'm not a big fan of psychology and counciling, but you may want to talk to a professional... That is some heavy sh*t!!!

Answer 6

Mate, you are sure in a mess. After 13 years of marriage i think it's important to know what you want to do. And i believe, silly me, she deserve another chance. If i were you, i would go to my lawyer to have a document draw out, then have a senior family mediation, find out why did she do it, how sorry she is and how badly she want to save the marriage. Then you slam her with the document clearly stating that if she ever go near to that docket hole, she will loss everything, house, kids, financial support. Once and IF she sign it, you will know how sorry and serious she is.
There's a lot of hard work to mend a broken trust, that is when the people in the mediation will come in handy for help. You play the biggest part, you have to be very hard on her, if you can't, then you are not a man, you are helping her to kill the marriage.
Hard as it is, both partner in a marriage have to work hard. Please don't get me wrong. We all make mistakes along the way.
If she doen't want to sign the document, then you know where you stand, it's not your fault to cut the cord. Good luck my friend.

Answer 7

I've found myself both on the giving and receiving ends of this dilema at different times in my life. I think it's more important that you look beyond the acts themselves at the underlying issues and what would prompt your wife, after thirteen years, to do such a thing.
What bothers me most with this situation is that the act itself didn't simply occur once and then she became remorseful and stopped it on her own. Three times over a 45 day period definitely shows intent and purpose. After the initial act at least, the others were planned. Would it have gone on had you not found out? Well, it was already happening over and over again BEFORE you found out, was it not?
There is obviously something very, very wrong. Whether it's something in your relationship or whether it's something within herself I cannot tell you. But that's what you need to find out. That's the only way you're going to find any answers. And there is never any guarantee that the person you wake up next to every morning will remain faithful. Life doesn't come with guarantees like that.
You don't know it's never happened before..and chances are after catching her this time...you never will because she sure as hell isn't going to tell you on top of what she already got caught doing!
She shows remorse...she said she hates herself for tearing apart your family? Well I wonder why, in 45 days and three romps in the sack with some old boyfriend, didn't she think about any of those things then and realize it was a bad idea? That doesn't make much sense and it doesn't show me that her children or her husband were at the top of her list of priorities...does it?
Someone said she's sorry, sorry she got caught. I tend to lean in that direction myself. I've been with my husband for 11 years. We have a home and four children. Our relationship is not perfect but there is no doubt in my mind that he is faithful, and he drives a tractor trailer, long haul! He also knows that the same is true of me. The reason for that is because we agreed in the beginning that if either of us so much as considered having an affair we would discuss it with the other first and decide what if anything we could do to fix what was obviously "broken" between US first before dragging someone else into the situation and tearing all of our lives and the lives of our children apart. That's the adult thing to do. This kind of thing destroys relationships all the time and rightfully so. I've been where you are right now and I'mm very sorry you're going through it. I know how badly you must hurt and how lonely and confused you must be. Your whole world just somehow seems to stop right there, at the instant you found out. That much will ease a bit with time. Whether or not you'll ever get over it enough to move past it, only you can decide. But if you can't, that's not your fault.
I've had the oportunity many times. I'm sure he has as well. I can only speak for myself, but as bad as the problems have gotten at times I can't see past my life and my family. I'm going to ruin our lives over sex?? I don't think so.
Sure, sex is a great thing but I can't see anyone being stupid enough to risk destroying the lives of three children over sex with someone you apparently didn't want to be with anyway....thus the reason he was one of her EX boyfriends?!

Answer 8

I think you have to answer that question for yourself. I don't think that saying is always true, most people only have to touch a hot iron once to learn not to do it again....

Granted she had sex with him three times but it was one affair that screwed up her life.

I think--no, I KNOW that marriage can survive infidelity...and sometimes it can make a marriage stronger (not advocating it--AT ALL--there are other ways to make a marriage stronger that do not involve screwing someone else)...but now you know that there are problems that you need to work on and you know what is at stake...so get to WORKING...

If you guys get through this, I think you will be ok...get some counseling...and work it out. Marriage is about sooo much more than sex...she compromised one of the many facets of your life together...and weakened the entire structure...but she didn't completely destroy it...you can rebuild and make it stronger if you want.

I say, be her friend now...stick by her in this awful mistake she made...and later you two can be lovers again.

BEST WISHES.

Answer 9

No, I don't believe that statement. No more than any other wrong that people find themselves doing. Have you ever done something you really regret and never felt tempted to do again? Maybe someone fell to temptation and stole something, but does that mean that they will always be a thief? We all have things we truly regret and have learned from and will never repeat.

She fell, something was weak within her. Maybe he flattered her and she was feeling low, needing that ego boost. This was about her, something wrong within her.

Seek a counselor certified in couples counseling. Find some good support groups. I recommend you read the book, "Not Just Friends" , by S. Glass.

Just wanted to give you a few more resources.

Two good support groups with lots of helpful people who have also gone through this.

http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp

A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/

A few other helpful sites:

http://www.dearpeggy.com/

http://marriagebuilders.com/

http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/

http://www.beyondaffairs.com/

http://peterfox.com.au/index.html

An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:

http://www.aftertheaffair.net/

Answer 10

Your wife is sorry because she got caught, not because of the affair itself. Had you not found out, it would have continued. This is not a case where guilt led her to confess, she had to be caught....

She had the affair because she has developed emotions for her old boyfriend, bringing back old memories of past and the excitement of having him back in her life. Whether it's him or the next guy she develops emotions for, it will happen again.

When someone is able to validate cheating the first time, it becomes much easier for them to validate cheating thereafter.

It's not a question of will it happen again, but when and with who.