I am tore up, what do I do?

Question

I am 30 yrs old, have been married for 8 yrs and have 2 children. I love my wife so much, I started my marriage off the wrong way. I worked 12 to 14 hrs a day and when I would get home I would complain all the time because the house was always a mess. I went into my marriage thinking that the man worked and the woman stayed home and took care of the child. About 5 yrs ago I changed the way I thought, and I started cleaning, doing laundry, all house chores plus outside chores after I would get home from work. I wasn't complaining anymore, but she still held it against me for complaining 4 that 3 yrs. Our sex life has always been great, but I think our love went down hill. I cheated on her about 6 mo ago, 1 night stand(I was drunk) she found out and then cheated on me last week. She is so mad for cheating and keeping it from her for 6 mo. until I she found out. Now she said that she would like some time apart. I love her so much,and cannot bear the thought of losing her, please help!

Answer 1

First of all, you both need to have a rational conversation, no arguing, anything. Tell her you still want her and are willng to work the problems out. Tell her you won't cheat on her again and you'll make it up to her so that she will see you won't. See if she wants to.

If she does...
I think you guys both have to face the fact that you both did something wrong, and that not one person did worse than the other. If you guys can agree (and really do this) not to mention it and help each other out by not bringing up in arguments but only in rational conversations, it can help.
I've been in a relationship where I was cheated on, but after he told me he was truly sorry and really did try to make up for it (do/say extra special things... talk constantly about how much he loved me... about how stupid he was for doing that/how he would never forgive me/how he thought I was so great for giving him a second chance... cook me dinners... surprise me with things, etc.) things have been much better since. Of course, anything and everything painful takes time to get over. You guys BOTH have to be willing to be hurt for a while, but you both have to realize that your love is greater than the pain and get over it and start making more cherishable memories that make you guys appreciate each other more. Let her know, even though it can be painful, that there was no love involved at all and that the sex was nothing at all like how you have with her, etc.

If she DOESN'T wanna work things out...
well, persistence on your part is the key. Don't force her, maybe give her time (in which during that time you will still be showing her you want her and care for her). Still tell her how much you love her/are stupid/want to work things out/think its possible because your love is better, etc. etc. Ask her for a second chance, and if after that second chance she thinks it's not worth it, then she can do what she pleases. (Do whatever in your power to make sure that second chance is worth it!)

Counseling could be an option too, though I don't have experience in that.

Answer 2

It sounds like you need couples counseling.

You entered the marriage with sexist expectations, and neither of you had a clear idea of defined roles in the marriage. Thankfully you got wise, and took a more active role with chores, but it almost sounds like you are overcompensating now, and doing more than your fair share of the chores.

She on the other hand was being unreasonable in holding your initial sexism against you even after you changed. Although frankly this might have all been avoided if you had discussed all this before marriage, or better still lived together to see if you were compatible.

So you got drunk and cheated on her, which is no excuse by the way. I've been my fair share of drunk in my life, and have never accidentally screwed some random woman by accident.

So she found out and has revenge cheated on you. And now wants some time out from the marriage.

Sadly this story seems very common among a couple that have not truly gotten to know each other prior to marriage. Couples who don't live together or have not slept together prior to marriage, for example.

But you can't change any of the past, so all you can do is move forwards. Family therapy is the answer, and may well help you get things back on track.

Answer 3

First of all the complaining about the housework really puts a damper on a womans love- she knows how the house is suppose to look and its hard to keep it up with 2 kids-dont know if shell ever get over you putting her down about that. You really help the relationship by helping out in all areas of the household. Now the cheating is something else: I think she wanted you to find out so that you could hurt the way she did when she found out. She might need some time apart, and if you hang in there she can probably get over it and come home, it might take her a year but if you love her youll wait it out. remember you did it to her first.

Answer 4

Your wife sounds very open and sensitive. There is only one problem, it isn't still a real marriage, And I do believe you love her very much and can't bear the thought of losing her, but your guilt has been killing you hasn't it? She is very torn, on one hand and ON the other she isn't sure what she would do. There is an old saying, but it's true; if a man is able to deceive his wife, chances are he will do it again, she is afraid you will do it again, Married men sometimes use the nearest available single woman to help ease the pain of not exiting a marriage.

Answer 5

Wow, Well first of all you really screwed up. Second of all you guys are even because she cheated on you. A retaliation cheat is just as bad as what you did. Granted you really screwed up and you did it first but it isnt like she gets a free pass to cheat because you did. You should definitely get a marriage counselor immidiately. You definitely need a third party. If I were you I would continually repeat in my mind the things that you hold dear.

I love my wife, I love my kids, I want my marriage to work.

Your gonna need that line to be all yours. Just keep that line to yourself and in your head and repeat it over and over when you are fighting.

The longer you wait to get a conselor the more counseling you will need. You should get one tomorrow. If you can afford a counselor go to a church. Call pastor. It doesnt matter if your not religious, what matters is you both really wronged each other and your gonna need a third person to mediate.

You both have A LOT of appologizing to do.

You can still definitely make it work and build your trust back up but you WILL NEED HELP and a lot of time. Get a counselor and I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 6

Sounds like you realized too late how things should be ... but you were both wrong to cheat ... just because you did, did not give her the right too ... two wrongs and all ... if she wants to be out of the marriage than maybe it would be good for both of you ... you say you love her but could you love her if she continued to cheat on you??? sometimes its best to be a part only to find out you need to be together.

Answer 7

You 2 need to sit down together alone, uninterrupted and see how far you have come together and look at all the good things in your marriage. If there's a will to stay together, there's always a way. But you both have agree and talk about what lead to your infidelities in the first place.

Answer 8

You guys could use some help. Suggest a counselor or visiting your pastor. If you both want to make the marriage work, it can be done. People have recovered from worse. But circling around each other mad and hurt, lashing out at each other will only escalate. A mature, calming third party can do wonders at helping you get to the heart of your problems.

Good luck!

Answer 9

Will she listen to REASON? You love her,you both cheated,which was a major mistake.Ask her if she'll go to counseling,because you love her,& want to improve your relationship.The fact that you have children makes staying together a good choice.Tell her that turning away from a problem can't possibly solve it.So,maybe she'll work on it with you,& if you try everything imagineable,then one of you leaves,but until then,stay together.

Answer 10

You should have thought about that before the wlls came crumbling down on your marriage. Try to get her to go to marriage counseling with you. That is about your only chance. You are not going to be able to mend this yourself because you started the bs.